Greetings my lovelies! This week, I’m going to be doing things a touch bit different. Often times in my box of questions and queries, we get shorter, easier to answer questions that don’t always make it to the cut, on account of I can’t always wax poetic about the topic at large for more than a paragraph.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy this weeks round of micro-questions, tiny little appetizers of sex advice that are enough to fill you up without a whole lot of commitment.
Q. Is it possible to make a female squirt doing oral sex?
A. Honey, anything is possible if you put your mind to it.
Q. I’m worried that I’ve stopped being attracted to my partner. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore — but I’m still emotionally very much in love with him. Part of the problem is that he’s not exactly good at getting me where I need to go, and (in two years of trying) I haven’t been able to coach him into a better skill set with that, so the prospect of sex is boring and a chore. Is this going to kill my relationship or is it fixable?
A. There is no use worrying over things, only figuring out whether you can change them or not. So the question is for you, how will you change this to be a beneficial situation for both of you? Are you willing to open the relationship up sexually? Are you relying on him solely to produce your orgasms when you need to be working on it as well? Is this relationship something you are willing to fight for, or is it maybe time to pull the band-aid off and start anew? I can’t tell you what to do, my love, only that it seems that you might repeat the situation if you are relying on someone to produce your orgasms, as opposed to having them for yourself.
Q. I masturbate a lot, and today I masturbated on my period, is that normal?
A. Almost anything is normal, but I’m also a firm believer in the idea that there is no such thing as “normal” and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they are lying. You are fine bb, keep masturbating on your period. Just make sure to clean all toys afterwards, so you don’t have any gunk on them for the next time around.
Q. I was just horrified to find out that Tumblr allows porn on its site. When I signed up for an account I was completely under the impression that it did not. I see that you had an article going back over a year so clearly nothing has changed and I got basically the same BS answer. I was wondering if you contacted the press? I’m sure they’d have a field day with this.
A. We are the press, but welcome to the Internet!
Q. How do fat people have sex?
A. Pretty much like everyone else in this world, you judgmental ignoramus.
Q. I’m still learning how to squirt and when I have sex or being fingered I feel the pee sensation I just don’t know what to do when I feel that sensation. Bear down and push… is that true?
A. Remember the movie Finding Nemo? There was a character in the film named Dory, a regal tang with a ten-second memory. Dory’s motto was: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” a testament to the powers of “keep going.” While you are most likely not a regal tang nor blessed with a ten-second memory, you can take away the same lesson of Dory of “keeping going.” So the next time you start to feel that pee sensation? Bear down, push, and just keep going, just keep going, just keep going.
Q. Well, me and my boyfriend don’t get to have sex much anymore, and when we do it’s really quick. We just are so busy and we don’t live together. We want to have sex so badly. But now it’s like I’m horny all the time. I’m also on the depo shot and I thought this would reduce this urge to constantly bone my bf, but it doesn’t. I want him all the time and it’s hard to focus on life. He says I should masturbate more, but I just don’t know how comfortable I am with that or if it would even satisfy me. Is there something I can do to decrease my horniness? It’s really starting to get on my nerves cause I’m ruining every pair of underwear I own! What do I do?! ~horny!
A. Find a partner that can satisfy your sexual needs, masturbate more often, or get better laundry detergent for your underwear. Also, you know that it doesn’t ruin your underwear, right?
Q. Why is my boyfriend really into hard core anal sex? We have had “gentle” anal sex with no problem… in fact, it was very enjoyable. Is there anything I can do to prepare myself for a more spirited anal plan… including hygiene issues?
A. Like most men of a certain generation with easy access to a computer, it seems like your boyfriend has been informed about anal sex by mainstream representations of porn, aka, thrusting a dick into a women’s behind sans lube and by some sort of witchcraft or porn magic, she is able to have an orgasm as he pounds away. This my love, is not reality, and your boyfriend needs to take it down a peg, which I recommend he do by actually getting pegged. Perhaps then, he will understand the sensitivities that are required for sticking anything in one’s rear end, as well as the idea that anal sex is not just for ladies only.
As far as making everything go swimmingly, well, I suggest a gentle laxative or a few strong cups of coffee a few hours before you allow someone up in your rear. This will clean out the bulk of what’s up there. Of course, there will always be a bit of residue leftover, given that it’s sex and sex is just messy, however you cut it, but I’m of the school of thought that if your partner can’t maturely handle a little residue, they can’t maturely handle anal sex and probably shouldn’t be having it.
Q. Are female to female orgasms the same as a man and women?
A. Much like the question, which partner is the man in the relationship, or rather, which chopstick is the food utensil, comparing orgasms in lesbian couples to hetero-couples as if orgasms became a completely different feeling when they step outside a heteronormative box. The only difference, generally speaking, is that both women usually get off in the lesbian couple.
Also, don’t use female as a noun, unless you are completely sure it works in the context. It really best belongs in the world of adjectives and describers, unless you are saying something like, “that giraffe is a female” or “when people refer to women as females, it makes me want to go upside their heads.” Using female as a noun to describe women makes you look like a micro-aggressive, sexist, nincompoop in an already questionable question and reminds me of our wonderful editor pileofmonkeys’ piece, “‘Female is an Adjective: You Got Your Grammar in My Feminism“:
“Woman” implies both biology and humanity. To take it a little further, “lady” implies biology, humanity, and, to an extent, behavior or social standing. “Girl” implies biology, humanity, and age. “Female” reduces down to purely biology, removing the linguistic shorthand that clarifies that we’re talking about a human being here.
Got a question to ask, subject you’d like us to discuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep ‘em coming! You can send us an anonymous message via the Ask Us! feature here.