One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, the “she.” The exception being, if the person states otherwise. For example, Ru has stated publicly that she cares not for which pronoun, but I will still follow the above formula. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!
I’m gonna throw a lot of fabulous names atcha, so try and keep up, darlings. If you get confuzzled about who is who, you can look at Logo’s official page here.
Our first queen to walk dramatically through the doors is Detox, a Lady Marmalade-esque confection in yellow and black. She’s worked with Rihanna, so you know she can name drop. Roxxxy Andrees is next, and her black minidress is not cutting it after Baz Luhrmann’s bumble-baby. But they’re friends! Aw, that’s nice. Jade Jolie sauntered in next. She laughs a lot. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! When somebody laughs a lot on purpose, it’s kinda creepy. Not as creepy as the rainbow mesh mess she was wearing, but close.
Serena ChaCha arrived wearing a pink dress borrowed from a Barbie of mine circa 1984. In other words, fabulous. She said, “This is the best quinceanera present ever!” She does fine art drag, which means it’s drag, but much more self-important at a dinner party.
Alyssa Edwards showed up strutting and flashing bat wings of golden glitter. She’s the Vanessa Williams of drag, because after she won the title of Miss Gay America, the crown was taken away in a scandal! Obvs, we like her already. Jinkx Monsoon is Seattle’s youngest MILF (at 24). I was disappointed she didn’t come with her own pool boy. But if she wins the 100K, then she can buy one!
Penny Tration won the online vote to be on the show, and how nice to see her. She’s a) a drag queen of size, and b) has the BEST FREAKING NAME EVER. Seriously, I pray she doesn’t turn out horrid, because PENNY TRATION. Vivienne Pinay channeled Betty Page, and looked damn lovely in polka dots.
You have to pay attention to a queen who shows up on a gold lame evening gown and a horse-head mask. Hopefully Alaska can keep serving up her horse… gold… big hair realness. I’m not sure what all that equals, but God bless RuMerica. She is Sharon Needles’ boyfriend/girlfriend, which made me scream in my house. Perhaps I need more hobbies…
Honey Mahogany is a tall glass of honey-mahogany water, which I bet tastes better than it sounds. Ivy Winters wore a caution-tape dress, so I’m in love already. I love whimsy almost as much as I adore rhinestones. She makes costumes out of anything, so my sewing boner is engaged.
Monica Beverly Hillz (WITH A Z, LIKE HILLZ CLINTON) wore the remains of ten feathered Muppets, so let us say a prayer. Lineysha Sparx showed up in screaming yellow and killer face. She’s from Puerto Rico, like so many of my fave Drag Race contestants from the past. Last was Coco Montrese, a vision in ladies-who-lunch leopard. Alyssa Edwards rolled her eyes so hard, they slapped queens in a three-foot radius. They haven’t spoken in two years — the pageant tore… them… apart!
A gorgeous (duh) Ru delivered some SheMail, and told them they must fake it until they make it, and said things about a “splash” in RuPaullywood, so I have a feeling these fishy queens are about to get wet. Oh, Ru — how I love the dirty puns you inspire! Ru then came in person, wearing a dapper suit as pretty much only he can. It’s just not fair that the same person wears the best suits and the loveliest gowns in the world. But that’s why we get down on our knees… among other reasons.
Who should appear but a wild Mike Ruiz, ready to capture a photo for their first challenge — their “Hollywood splash” moment, complete with giant water tank! Some queens performed more regally than others. Serena ChaCha hadn’t tucked, and wound up serving her huevos rancheros to the cheap seats. Poor Jinkz Monsoon didn’t know how to swim, and put in a performance more flounder than fabulous. Alaska gave up very quickly, but at least Ru got to quip, “Alaska’s under water — damn you, global warming!” And Ru called Coco Montrese “Tuna Turner.” Really, you can’t find a better source of puns on TV today.
The winner was Detox!
In the work room, the cast got a look at each other for the first time out of drag. Jinkx revealed that he suffers from narcolepsy, so must keep active or else he begins to drag. (Sorry, I can’t help myself!) He said he’s “Seattle’s premier Jewish narcoleptic drag queen,” and yes, I’m in lolve. We can’t always choose our challenges, but we can own them, fiercely.
The next day, the queens went on a tour of RuPaullywood. And we got a music video set to what sure sounded like a new track from Ru. Camille Grammer, famous for enduring sex with Kelsey Grammer, met them in Beverly Hills (not in Beverly Hillz, mind you) for some reason. In the nearby alley, they encountered Ru, dressed in a hot pink haz-mat suit, like you do. Their challenge: dumpster dive for items to complete a red carpet couture look. They had sixty seconds to snatch and grab to cover their snatches.
Their spoiled spoils in tow, they went back to the work room. And apparently, the reason Alaska wore a horse mask is because he’s hung like one. Not a mask, but the other part. Go Sharon Needles! Although, Alaska talked about the difficult period when Sharon got on Drag Race while Alaska auditioned every single time and failed to make the cut. But in the end, Alaska was proud of Sharon, and chose to be her biggest fan, rather than drown in bitterness. That’s the only way to be!
Challenges like this really separate the queens who duct tape from the queens who sew. Coco Montrese was working on a beige Madonna-esque ode to tastelessness that had director’s megaphones as boob cones. I hope he lives to tell about it. It’s not exactly vogue. That dress did not come from La Isla BonTitta. Okay, I’m done. Wait, Ru’s not. Said she on the runway, “[Coco's] a drag queen, but she really wants to direct.”
Serena pissed off pretty much everyone with his big mouth and attempts at shade. He kept talking about how he was 21, and being bitchy about the older contestants (basically everyone). As an Old myself, I shook my cane at this whippersnapper and nearly broke my hip in decrepit realness.
Our guest judges were Mike Ruiz and Camilla Grammer, famous for being the only one who saw every episode of Boss.
Some drag queens came out on top (although they may be bottoms for all we know). Roxxxy Andrews brought it with her black gown with sexy slashes at both hips. She pointed out that her shoes were RuPaul’s brand… and that she found them in the dumpster! Harumph. I’ve never found anything half that amazing when I’ve woken up in the garbage. Ivy Winter’s floaty red confection also wowed the judges. It was hand-sewn and looked amazing on her, although Santino dinged her for not having at least a bit of trash on her. Jade Jolie hit the jackpot when she sourced a red paillette material, but then put so much rainbow on it, it overwhelmed the look. They loved her Lisa Frank-ness anyway. They adored Alaska’s green plastic wrap column dress, citing it as just the right amount of shimmer. Lineysha’s va-va-voom pink dress was made from wallpaper, but she was no wallflower. And she put a pump in her hair! Shoe’s a girl who thinks about her footwear.
Roxxxy was declared the winner of this challenge, mostly for DAT ASS. That’s how I win all my contests, too. She’ll receive a custom gown, as well as immunity next week.
Unfortch, not everyone can be a winner. Penny Tration was dinged for the less-than-stellar and uneven padding in her dress, and the super dark shading she employed on her face. Serena ChaCha’s shape was bizarre and highlighted all the wrong parts — kinda hula girl meets clown college. Not surprisingly, these were the bottom two who must lip-sync for their liiiiiiiiives. I was hooooooooorified (different from my usual whoooooooorified), for I needed Penny to stay for the pun factor of her name alone!
They lip-synched to “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. I feel like Miley is not really allowed to have this honor, but nobody asked me. I had an extreme sad, for Penny did not Tration, but womp womped her way to Penny Dreadful. She said she didn’t have any regrets, but I think maybe she should have had one: NOT LEARNING THE FUCKING LYRICS TO THE SONG.
Sorry, I’m just tres upset that the best damn pun in this show has gone home. We are left with one episode, a single Penny Tration, if you will, when everyone knows that double the Tration means double the fun. Only in our dreams, sniff.
I’m excited about this bunch, but no one has whalloped me with her amazingness thus far. Lineysha Sparx is probably one to watch. What did you think, Persephoneers?