David and Bryan come to a disagreement over Bryan’s choice of outfit for their son’s birth announcement: a traditional christening gown. David keeps calling it a dress and I really think that this is a religion problem, since my formerly-Catholic ass is all, “Yeah, dude, it’s a christening gown. Get over it.” But David thinks people will judge them more harshly since they’re already different and he doesn’t want to heap more judgement on their child. They agree to disagree for the moment, and David will try to figure out something else for their son to wear in the photo.
Meanwhile, Nana Jane is holding her first open house and is visited by an incredibly sassy (and handsome) Bryce (played by the very handsome John Stamos) who offers to make over her whole look so she can be a more successful realtor. He takes her to a salon and consults with the very pretty lady hairdresser on the best look for Jane, while casually hitting on said hairdresser. Jane is thrown into a tizzy, because she thinks Bryce is obviously gay because he’s fashionable and sassy. Bryce is like “nothing about that makes me gay.” Jane obviously disagrees.
MEANWHILE Goldie and Shania are taking a special tour of the Not-Glee set led by Not-Lea Michele and meet Rocky’s new crush, Chris (played by Mark Consuelos)! And they have a date! To see Mary J. Blige in concert! So, Shania’s gaydar is pinged pretty hard core. Rocky denies that Chris is gay and Shania’s kind of like “really? really?” Rocky’s pretty upset and comes to visit Goldie and Shania at home to insist on Chris’s attraction to her and women in general. Shania claims impeccable gaydar. Then, Jane walks in and relates her own tale of a sexuality-ambiguous gentleman. Bryan suggests they all come over for a dinner party where they’ll pose a “gay test” like a game show immediately exclaiming that he can repackage the idea with has-beens and sell it to Fox. He actually says that. I think Ryan Murphy is becoming a parody of himself. “Beachhouse!”
David brings home a tiny San Francisco 49ers onesie (#52, Willis, for those curious). Bryan isn’t thrilled with it and still feels like it’s not a big deal for their son to wear a christening gown but David insists that they have to protect their son from any additional judgement. We learn that David called another kid a fag when he was younger because he was insecure about his own sexuality and he wants Bryan to know how hard that was for him. Yeah, I’m sure it wasn’t a walk in the park for the kid he bullied either. Bryan is sure that their child will inherit qualities from them, but things like strength and confidence rather than an appreciation for the male form (necessarily, Bryan does mention to “check back after puberty”). David still seems uneasy, but they decide to discuss it further after dinner and Bryan leaves him with a kiss.
Shania and Bryan have been perfecting their gay-test and we hear their explanation interspersed with the plan in action during dinner. During round 1 (female Oscar winners) we get a hit on Bryce but nothing from Chris. Round 2 (music appreciation) gets a result from Chris who identifies Rihanna’s “Diamonds” as played by Shania on recorder in less than three notes. Then there’s a celebrity guessing game where the deck has been stacked with gay icons like Robert Mapplethrope, Rue McClanahan, and Loudes Ciccone. Bryce and Chris both get a few, but Chris also correctly identifies Heisman trophy winner Johnny Manziel. The final round? A DVD of Oprah’s Legends Ball. Chris is almost as enthusiastic as Bryan, but Bryce has visibly checked out. Just when it appears to be a draw for both gentleman, Bryce catches word of what’s going on and leaves. Jane asks him to stay, and he says he’s disappointed in her playing this game and finds it pathetic. Rocky works up the nerve to ask Chris if he’s gay and lets it slip about the game, too. Chris is also deeply offended (obviously) and doesn’t answer but makes it clear to Rocky that whatever they previously had is now gone.
Bryan apologizes to Goldie for involving Shania in hurting people’s feelings and perpetuating stereotypes at their dinner. Continuing in that vein, Rocky goes to apologize to Chris for trying to trick him into revealing his sexuality. Chris apologizes to her, though, saying that he is gay but he keeps it quiet at work and when he realized that Rocky wanted to be more than friends he wasn’t sure how to bring it up. They agree to be friends, and they’re back on for the Mary J. Blige concert with dinner before. Awww.
And to round it out, Jane goes to apologize to Bryce and explains that she was nervous because she felt attracted to him. Jane also felt attracted to her ex-husband, and how cultured and artistic he was, and then he was gay and broke her heart and she didn’t want to make the same mistake again. Bryce seems to have let her off the hook, clearly because he hasn’t heard some of Jane’s more bigoted rants on the topic. He does, however, leave her with a face-meltingly hot kiss so I guess that’s a win for Jane? Right, everybody wins! Yay!
Speaking of everybody winning, David has been brought around by the awful dinner party as well and says that he shouldn’t be afraid of people judging them. He’s fine with their son wearing the Christening gown. But he adds a tiny football helmet to the gown. Bryan says he’s alright with it. Seriously, though, that whole argument could’ve been cut off at the knees with a Google Image Search of “Boy’s Christening Gown.” Totally normal. And shockingly traditional for Bryan. But whatever, the happy family will take their happy family photo with an infant in a christening gown and a tiny football helmet. Except you and I and all the other viewers know none of those objects will ever reappear in this series ever again.Related
Latest posts by Genevieve (see all)
- New Show Recap: Mad Men, Season 6, Ep. 13 “In Care Of” - June 28, 2013
- New Show Recap: Mad Men, Season 6, Ep. 12, “The Quality of Mercy” - June 21, 2013
- New Show Recap: “Mad Men” Season 6, Ep. 11 “Favors” - June 14, 2013