As you may remember, last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Penny Tration, she of the best puns, was eliminated over Serena ChaCha. Well, none of our queens were very happy about that, no. Serena is the Chevy Chase of this little community, and we wish she’s just storm off to her trailer already.

One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, the “she.” The exception being, if the person states otherwise. For example, Ru has stated publicly that she cares not for which pronoun, but I will still follow the above formula. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

This week, we were introduced to RoLaskaTox, the combo of Roxxy, Alaska, and Detox. It’s the new prescription drug for those who are gagging. I didn’t get it. Did you get it? It sounds like a face paralytic that Nicole Kidman would use to horror movie results.

Ru popped in with SheMail, saying that the queen who doesn’t know her herstory is doomed to repeat it. Or repea tit, as I first typed. I think it holds true. The Pit Crew brought out a giant standee of five side-by-side Rus with the mouths cut out. If I owned one of those, I’d have the most popular glory hole cafe in town. Alas, its purpose was different — a lip sync contest! No shaking your padding to make up for a lack of lyrical prowess; this event was puckers only. Lipstick was encouraged, natch.

The three talented mouths were Serena, Detox, and Ivy Winters. But this semi-disturbing contest was just the warm up — this week’s main challenge was so full of fakery, Lance Armstrong wanted in. They would lip-sync famous moments from the herstory of Drag Race and perform them in viral videos. No, not PSAs about influenza, but movies on the YouTubes. The three winners got to be team captains.

The guest judges this week were Kristen Johnston and Juliette Lewis. They looked great, considering the last time I saw them on my TV was about thirty years ago. Hey-oooo!

The teams:

Serena ChaCha, Roxxxy Andrews, Alyssa Edwards, Jinkx Monsoon, Jade Jolie

This team would lip sync to a season three video of Untucked, the post-show free-for-all. Sad, picked-last Jade got the scraps of the team table and was none too happy. I know the feeling; I get picked last in my house all the time. It’s not my fault that the cat is better at Jenga than I am! It’s just a scary game, okay?

Their first scene involved drink-throwing and a fight, much like my third grade field trip. Things got EMOSHUNAL as five queens fought for dominance. It was like the Hunger Games, but with fewer bad beards.

Serena talked about his art school background. Again. I propose a drinking game in which every time Serena says “art school,” you take a shot and make a painting with your period blood.

Their video… erm. Serena lip-synced about as well as she art schools anything. Where the fuck did this queen graduate from, the Sore Buns Upstairs School of Artsy Fartsy? The judges said her major must be in damage. The judges loves Jinkx as Mimi Imfurst, and Jade as Delta Work.

Detox, Alaska, Monica Beverly Hillz, Coco Montrese

Team Detox got season four queens to work out. Alaska was cast as Phi Phi O’Hara and immediately brown-faced up. WTF, Alaska? If you need brown makeup to do the job for you, you’ve already lost in so many ways. I’d been rooting for Alaska, but ick. Phi Phi herself did some very questionable things in her season. In this instance, imitation is the highest form of bullshittery.

This team lip synced in rehearsal about as well as I avoid cheese. Protip: I’m inhaling some right now.

Monica was experiencing many feels, and it distracted her from the dragalicious tasks at hand. She didn’t reveal what her challenges were, but we wish her the best. We meaning me. I like to pretend I’m a panel of bloggers. My cat doesn’t contribute much, but she is licking her hoo hoo right now, and is thereby out-blogging me.

In their challenge, they did alright. Coco was praised for her amazing sync skills. Monica’s Jiggly Caliente was a bit disappointing. The judges saw that she was disconnected, and she went on to explain that she was a transgender woman, and had been keeping it a secret. She said she wasn’t being herself, and it was obviously tearing the poor woman apart. She seemed to be so relieved to get it out and be true to herself. I applaud you, Monica. You are an inspiration of fierceitude.

Ivy Winters, Lineysha Sparks, Vivienne Pinay, Honey Mahogany

This bunch got season two. Immediate concerns were concerned for Lineysha, whose primary language is not English. (She’s a native Fabulous speaker.) Nevertheless, she seemed to do well, performing as The Other Tyra to sassy effect. They had a fight to perform, too. Such a surprise, but I guess that lip syncing to chess games is boring.

This video was just great — it captured all the personality of the original, with that added layer of jest on top. They were the winners! And the ultimate winner was Lineysha, proving that when it comes to drag, two languages are better than one, honey. She won a couture latex outfit, which I didn’t know existed until today.

The runway was a mixed bag, as always. Lineysha killed it in a pink swimsuit and legs any Barbie would punch Skipper for. Also in pink was Honey Mahogany, but her caftan was more cafcan’t. (I’m trying here, folks. Bear with me.) Ivy Winters appeared in stilts for her butterfly/goddess look. She puts the ring a ding ding in Ringling Brothers. Vivienne Pinay murdered a gaggle of golden birds to make her minidress, but it was so worth it. Sorry, PETA!

Alyssa Edwards gave “Beverly Hills Fishness,” which, apparently, is choking a dog whilst wearing black. No, “choking a dog”* is not a euphemism. Sorry, PETA! Serena ChaCha represented Panama in a Carnivale costume. She didn’t mention art fucking school, so I didn’t hate her. For like, a second. Jade Jolie, in red and black, was the ringmaster to Ivy’s clown college, and fiercely, too. Roxxxy Andrews wore gold fringe. That’s it. It looked like she gold-dipped a Wookiee and then wore its skin. (Ha! And Santino just called her Chewbacca. Great minds and all that.) Jinkx represented the space constituency in a white, far-out gown. She called it “Hollywood 3012,” but I think by that time all the stars will be computer generated by our great overlord TWITTER BOT.

Monica Beverly Hillz dressed as Beyonce from the super bowl, but less awesome. Alaska chose a pleather minidress in black, and I almost died of boredom telling you about it. “Patti LaBelle meets Ziggy Stardust” is how Juliette Lewis described Coco, and I can’t do no better. Detox wore a giant raven ballgown, and I am all about that. Quoth the drag queen: Ever more (ridiculousness!) Ru asked mournfully, “How many black cocks had to die for that outfit?”

Forced into a real lip sync battle were Monica Beverly Hillz and Serena ChaCha. They performed to Rihanna’s “Only Girl (In the World).” And well, our brave girl Monica surely was, for Art Fucking School sashayed away! It’s a drag miracle! Don’t write pretentious checks your ass can’t cash. And that’s a lesson for life, Persephoneers.

* No animals were harmed in the blogging of this blog. Except for the cheese.