D-I-Oh My: Creating Homemade Sex Toys

Q. Do you have any tips on homemade/ around the house sex toys (for masturbating and otherwise)? [Somewhat NSFW pictures after the cut]

A. Kitten, I admire your can-do spirit. Necessity is the mother of invention, and by god, you are asking about some kind of inventing.

Penis carved from an antler, with a ruler for scale (it measures 8-9 inches)
Home made dildo made from antler bone, found in a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, dating from around 4,000 to 6,000 B.C. Some scientist say we shouldn’t leap to conclusions about what these objects represent and were made for. But I think those scientist are a wee bit jealous. (image copyright Live Science)

Perhaps your curiosity is spawned by the Etsy-induced DIY sex toy eruption, perhaps it’s a matter of budget, perhaps it’s all just a matter of taste. But my love, you certainly would be taking your rightful place in history along other pleasure-seeking folks. Yes, long before the good folks of Babeland and Smitten Kitten rolled onto the scene, people throughout the ages were making homemade sex toys. These have ranged from stone dildos nearly 30,000 years old, to cock rings made from goat eye sockets to jade, to olive oil as the greatest and tastiest lube ever (thanks Greece!), to the many other extravagant and creative tools people have created in the name of getting off. And to that, I say, bless. Can all give them a collective bless, a thank you to those who came before, for their experimental endeavors in the name of sexual pleasure?

Now when I received your question, I began looking in earnest, since my own experience with handmade sex toys was slim. One source that may be able to answer many of your homemade sex toy questions is the aptly named Homemade Sex Toys. Just looking at all the toys designed with that entrepreneurial spirit is enough to get the spirit to move you. A can of Pringles and some foam? Homemade Pocket Pussy. Light saber dreams and a mini LED flashlight? Star Wars-inspired dildo. Dollar store finds masquerading as cock rings, nipple clamps, and butt plugs? Yup. The site is what one might call a treasure trove of the DIY sex toy aesthetic, solutions to the crafty, an ode to the idea of “necessity is the mother of invention.”

That being said, a preface. And, it’s personal. I am of the school of thought of buying your sex toys. Yes, old fashioned they call me. Conservative, they say. You are taking away the great spirit of creation! Yes, I’m willing to accept all of these accusations, no questions asked. Hands down, I think one should always buy their sex toys, because: 1. You are supporting small amazing businesses. 2. You are helping to de-stigmatize and bring to the public sex toys and sexual pleasure. 3. You are getting a toy that is made by profesh standards. 4. The majority of sex toys available are not going to break your budget. (You can get a mini Body Wand for $19.00 – tax and shipping may or may not be included.) Finally – the last and best reason for buying your sex toys? 5. Are you okay with forever remembering each and every time you had a hook up with one of your household items when you are snacking on a chef’s salad or sweeping up some dust? Think about it.

To further that point, let me tell a story of a person I used to know. A person whose identity has been protected in this story because I’m not a total asshole and believe what happens in sexual experimentation, stays in sexual experimentation, unless you need it for an example for a column on the Internet. Plus, I  just happened to be in close quarters when said event went down, otherwise, I wouldn’t have known a damn thing about it. I came home to this person one day moaning about their genital area. Sports accident?  Period? Fight? Body functions gone wrong? Oh no. This person’s sex toy had gone missing and they, being the can-do person they were, were honest enough to point me to the sawed broom at the other side of the room. “Possible splinters,” they joked. Yes, a sawed-off broom handle, my loves. But in all honesty, it was mentioned that “it was the least to try,  just not try again.” I swear upon my life that this story is factual, not one of those Snopes silly-ass broom death “girl doing the experimenting pays for her expanded sexual knowledge and uncontrollable lust for life, the same lust that results in other deaths by impalement in another urban legend, the venerable ‘gearshift tale.'”  But like I said, names and places have been hidden to protect the guilty, and it is up to you whether you believe or not. This person certainly shouldn’t be judged for trying something new in the state of a missing toy, only to serve as a precaution to tread lightly when using objects that may be hazardous to your pleasure and health. The lesson learned from this experience seems to be to think hard about the objects you plan on using, and not suffering for the fact that you might not have the best of options. No one should have to suffer for sexual pleasure, at least by your own hands (unless you’re into a certain type of suffering). I feel as if many of the country’s leaders are well invested in making adults with sexual autonomy suffer enough.

So before we get into the goods, let’s do a recap of things you shouldn’t be inserting or using. Consider it the rules and regulations of going beyond the sex toy pale.

First, avoid Cosmo. Really, avoid any and all women’s magazine tips. Bless their hearts, I suppose they are trying, but suggestions like chilled spoons, cashmere glove butt play, and putting a fucking vacuum on your clitoris range from the “what is this, sex tips from the absurd?” to “Jesus Christ, are you out of your goddamn mind?” While it’s seemingly disappeared from existence now, out of the fact that it is damn embarrassing that it was published, I think many of us can remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard of the “insert a peeled banana into your vagina to give him a smushy experience” worst advice heard round the world. Yeah. Side-eye all day, every day. Avoid the kiddy pool – if you are going to make your own sex toys, it’s best to go into the adult end and find serious sources that aren’t pulling sexy tips out of a hat somewhere.

Second, there are certain items you want to avoid all together. The site Homemade Sex Toys provides an easily accessible list to their top favorite creations, but also, their ten home-made sex toy no-nos. Each delightful material or item is backed up by a good reason you need to stay away from creating a sex toy masterpiece with these materials. Some of their big no-nos? Vacuums. Glass (bottle, lightbulbs, test tubes). Power tools. Magnets. Lubes that are of the not proper lube kind. Bike pumps. I know you are probably thinking, “Okay, seems kind of silly to cover this, right?” Well, kitten, if there hadn’t been some tragic, painful, and/or embarrassing incident somewhere along the way, there wouldn’t be a no-no list. So before you go creating anything for the bedroom, you need to know what you should avoid at all costs.

Vegetables wrapped in condoms
Home made veggie vibes – no, really! Just remember to put a rubber on these babies, to avoid yeast infections or vegetable related crisis. (Image copyright and courtesy of Homemade-Sex-Toys.com)

Now, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind as far as a sex toy? Could it be something of the earth, or at least your refrigerator crisper?  Yes, foodies rejoice. Cucumbers and bananas top the homemade sex toy list, but before we start getting all excited about all sorts of food play, let’s set a couple of things straight. Food items sans condoms are not a good idea. (Seriously, do you want corn dog in your butt or vaginal canal? Me either.) Yeast infections ahoy, plus, both vaginal and anal tissue are extremely absorbent. While you may think you washed your cucumber or squash well enough to put inside you, there is still probably residue left over, whether it be dirt, chemicals used on the vegetable (unless you’re using organic vegetables, in which case, fancy), and more importantly, the sugars in the vegetables that may cause your vagina to go haywire. My advice is, anything homemade that goes in you, especially of the vegetable kind, absolutely needs a condom. No ifs, ands, and especially, butts.

Speaking of which, if it goes in your butt, it needs to have a flared base. Let me repeat that: anal toys should have a flared base. Those half ER horror stories, half urban legends of objects gone in the rear and not returning? It’s real. Now look – some folks will argue with me – especially fans of this NSFW (seriously, it is NSFW) site. It’s a pretty popular topic. My personal thoughts on the matter? Unless you have experience creating flared base butt plugs, I say stay on the consumer side of any sex toy that is going up your butt. Not only are items sans the flared base likely to get lost in the shuffle, but anal tissue is super absorbent, much more so than the vagina. While we went over having all food items covered with a condom up above, it goes without saying that not only having a fruit or veggie in your ass would be the worst time to discover you may have a melon allergy, those healthy fruits and veggies don’t have those flared bases that I and many other sex educators swear by. Flared Base. Seriously, flared base.

Now, as far as what you can do, again, I would refer to Homemadesextoys.com: they have a section that covers both toys for men and women. For the ladies, you have everything from the blanket pullto how to use the handle of your toothbrush as a vibrator, to many other suggestions; though, some I’m really iffy on, like the balloon rub (do you want that to pop?) to the candy corn dildo (creative, but candy corn rarely strikes anyone as sexy, much less edible). If you’re a gentleman, I think you will end up having better luck with the site, as putting yourself in something seems a wee less stressful than putting something in you. The gent’s section is full of DIY pocket pussy solutions, though again, approach with caution when putting your penis in anything, and I do mean anything.

At the end of the day, I would hope that some of these solutions prove helpful, but I will let my conservative spirit out once again and say that your best bet is just buying a high quality sex toy. The money you spend each time on melons, or vegetables that you probably won’t end up eating, or the monumental supply of candy corn, could go into a toy that you could use over and over, replacing only with batteries if kept in good condition. Also, weigh which takes more effort – creating a vegetable vibrator or just buying one? I hate to knock the entrepreneurial spirit, because it certainly got our ancestors to sexual satisfaction, but while a toothbrush or a homemade pocket pussy may do in a cinch, a nice sex toy will go the distance. Also, think how excited our ancestors would be to see today’s plethora of sex toys on the market – the choice beyond bone, antlers, or stone would make their hearts soar. So whatever path you choose my love, just remember, be safe, have fun, and make the ancestors proud.

Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep “˜em com­ing ! You can send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the Ask Us! fea­ture here. We love seeing a full inbox of sexy sex and not so sexy sex questions.

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