Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades Freed”: Chapter One

Happy Thursday, Persephoneers! Now we’re really getting into the thick of it with Chapter One of Fifty Shades Freed. So let’s get set for some laughs and some cringing.

I stare up through gaps in the sea grass parasol at the bluest of skies, summer blue, Mediterranean blue with a contented sigh. Christian is beside me, stretched out on a sun lounger. My husband–my hot, beautiful husband, shirtless, and in cut-off jeans–is reading a book predicting the collapse of the Western banking system. By all accounts, it’s a page-turner. I haven’t seen him sit this still, ever. He looks more like a student than the hotshot CEO of one the top privately owned companies in the United States.

Michael J. Fox as Alex P. Keaton, wearing a jacket and tie
Okay, so she’s married to Alex P. Keaton. Image via fanpop.com.

We are staying, of course, on board a luxury motor yacht. Built in 1928, she floats majestically on the water, queen of the all the yachts in the harbor. She looks like a child’s wind-up toy. Christian loves her–I suspect he’s tempted to buy her. Honestly, boys and their toys.

He sounds like a materialistic douche to me, in all honesty.

“You’ll burn.” Christian whispers in my ear, startling me from my doze.

“Only for you.” I give him my sweetest smile. The late afternoon sun has shifted, and I am under its full glare. He smirks and in one swift move pulls my sun lounger into the shade of the parasol.

“Out of the Mediterranean sun, Mrs. Grey.”

“Thank you for your altruism, Mr. Grey.”

“My pleasure, Mrs. Grey, and I’m not being altruistic at all. If you burn, I won’t be able to touch you.” He raises an eyebrow, his eyes shining with mirth, and my heart expands. “But I suspect you know that and you’re laughing at me.”

Aw, he doesn’t want her to get skin cancer! Isn’t he sweet?

“How would you feel if I went topless, like the other women on the beach?” I ask.

“Displeased,” he says without hesitation. “I’m not very happy about you wearing so little right now.” He leans down and whispers in my ear. “Don’t push your luck.”

“Is that a challenge, Mr. Grey?”

“No. It’s a statement of fact, Mrs. Grey.”

I sigh and shake my head. Oh, Christian . . . my possessive, jealous, control freak Christian.

And she thinks his jealousy is just so wonderful because he loves her so much. It’s proof that he loves her!

“Come for a swim with me.” He holds out his hand while I look up at him, dazed. “Swim?” he says again, cocking his head to one side, an amused expression on his face. When I don’t respond, he shakes his head slowly.

“I think you need a wake-up call.” Suddenly he pounces and lifts me into his arms while I shriek, more from surprise than alarm.

“Christian! Put me down!” I squeal.

He chuckles. “Only in the sea, baby.”

Several sunbathers on the beach watch with that bemused disinterest so typical, I now realize, of the French as Christian carries me to the sea, laughing, and wades in.

Black and white picture of a cat wearing a beret, captioned, "Oui."
I think they’re wanting to know what you see in this guy, you ugly American, you. Image via tumblr.com.

“I’m not changing.”

“What?” my mother says.

“Christian doesn’t want me to.” I shrug as if this should explain everything. Her brow furrows briefly.

“You didn’t promise to obey,” she reminds me tactfully. Kate tries to disguise her snort as a cough. I narrow my eyes at her. Neither she nor my mother have any idea of the fight Christian and I had about that. I don’t want to rehash that argument. Jeez, can my Fifty Shades sulk . . . and have nightmares. The memory is sobering.
“I know, Mom, but he likes this dress, and I want to please him.”

Animated gif from Arrested Development of Lucille Bluth giving the stink-eye
Ana’s mom’s real reaction. Image via giphy.com.

He pushes my legs wider apart.

“Ah . . . wife of mine,” he murmurs and then his mouth is on me. I close my eyes and surrender to his oh-so-adroit tongue. My hands fist in his hair as my hips swing and sway, slave to his rhythm, then buck off the small bed. He grabs my hips to still me . . . but doesn’t stop the delicious torture.

Animated gif from Buffy the Vampire Slayer of Buffy drinking a shot
Looks like someone has been taking cues from too many badly written historical romances from the 1980s. Shot of brain bleach, please.

And be sure to keep that brain bleach handy for next week!

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