Recap: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Episode 5.3, “SpongeRu Squaretuck”

Serena has gone to that Art School in the smug part of town, so we are free, yes, FREE of her, my pretties! As one RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant put it: “Came a mess, left a mess. Hope someone takes a Hoover to that girl and soon, lest her entire being become un-unfuckable. Oh, well.”

One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, the “she.” The exception being, if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

The big subject of talk backstage after elimination was the FEUD between Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards. Coco said they crowned Alyssa Miss Gay America (2010)… and then obligations were not met, so Coco got the title. Ooooooh, there were more dot dot dots in that dishy little statement than on a chicken-pox-ridden child.

Alas! We were not to be slathered in the glorious grease of le gossip, but were merely frustrated mercilessly, like me watching a half-naked Skarsgård on True Blood.

Ru delivered this week’s challenge: The Junior Drag SUPASTAH! Pageant! (That’s the way Ru said it, and we’re very true-to-life here in my diamond-plated blogging mansion.) Their mission was to turn child-sized mannequins into womannequins. I can’t wait until the Fox Nation poll tomorrow asking the concerned citizenry if Ru is out to turn all the impressionable boys of Amurika into drag queens. But of course she is!

The queens paired up and were off to the (drag) races! The winner of The Junior Drag SUPASTAH! Pageant! was Lil’ Pound Cake, whose catchphrase is “You’re not my real dad, and you never will be!” She enjoys ridin’ dirty, and being a straight up, motherfucking pig. And yes, she won the pageant by flipping us all off. If this is the future of Amurika, then I say, Ru bless us, every one. This blessing was brought to us by Alaska and Lineysha Sparx.

Lil' Pound Cake winning all the pageants like a &*^% @#&^ing $#^&^ lady.
Lil’ Pound Cake winning all the pageants like a &*^% @#&^ing $#^&^ lady.

This adventure brought us to the main challenge – the queens would be creating children’s television that was both entertaining and educational. See, I thought that’s what they were doing now. Since Lineysha and Alaska won the challenge, they were team captains.

Team Alaska: Detox, Roxxxy Andrews, Vivienne Pinay, Monica Beverly Hillz, Alyssa Edwards:

This group adored the idea of making a kiddie skit full of double entendres, which, we can all agree, is the best number of entendres. Quadruple entendres get confusing and often lead to madcap chases.

They ended up with a farm theme. Ru and Michelle Visage attended their rehearsal to tighten up their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent, for everyone enjoys a put-together…act. The farmer Buffalo Bill asked Clucky the Cock what the secret word of the day was. It was box! Lots of things fit in the cock’s box, as is true for everyone’s. Ru and Michelle looked askance at Alaska, who was in male drag and not female for this sketch. Then there was a giant carrot, a salad, and a very sad Vivienne Pinay, who did not have the slap-chops to make the cut of this veggie smorgasbord. At least we got a “tossing salad” joke, even if it was delivered horridly. Next, we had the train wreck of an unfunny Alyssa Edwards talking about shade, and a blanking-on-her-lines Monica Beverly Hillz being the worst straight man since Rush Limbaugh. Monica was reading the lines, actually reading them from a prop book, and still fucking it up. This goes against Ru’s basic rule of living, which is DON’T FUCK IT UP.

Team Lineysha: Honey Mahogany, Coco Montrese, Jinkx Monsoon, Ivy Winters, Jade Jolie:

Lineysha immediately suggested that Coco become a live Muppet, like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Personally, I’ve always wanted to be a Muppet, so I don’t know why Coco didn’t like this idea. Or maybe I just want to scream “Hi-yah!” and chop stupid men. This team panicked, and quickly, too, for they did not have the funny spark so necessary to a challenge like this.

This group’s word of the day was “suck.” Oh, wait, that’s just how they performed. The actual word was “blow.” They made banana splits, with Lineysha translating the words into Spanish. When she accidentally translated “cherries” as “strawberries,” it was the funniest part of the sketch. That’s bad. Next up: Honey Mahogany with her “dummy” Coco. They hadn’t practiced, and Coco didn’t know her lines. The entire act was less funny than a congressman talking about vaginas.

Finally, after all that shitty comedy, we all got what we came for. No, not makeup tips, but the dish on Coco and Alyssa’s FEUD. In the work room, Coco said that the Miss Gay America experience was pure hell, with hecklers shouting hurtful things when she was crowned. Coco was torn, and almost lost his relationship because of it. Alyssa lost the reputation he’d worked for years to build when the crown was stripped away. He was embarrassed and angry, especially to read some mean things Coco had posted to Facebook. Then Coco began to cry, Alyssa sniped “and the Academy Award goes to,” Coco replied, “fuck you” and scene. So… what? Alyssa feels betrayed by the shit Coco talked after the de-crowning took place, and Coco didn’t especially deny it. I came away from this not liking either of them, frankly.

Cutting to Ru strutting her stuff on the runway in a yellow feather dress reminiscent of Big Bird was a relief. The guest judges this week were Paulina Porizkova and Coco, and the runway’s theme was “Tickle You Pink.”

Alaska kicked it off by strutting in a cream gown splattered with pink “blood,” complete with a pink machine gun. Yes, indeed, this is what Fox News is afraid will happen to the men of America if California gets its way. But at least there are still guns, hooray! Monica Beverly Hillz wore a dishy hot pink satin wiggle dress with a bouquet on her shoulders. Super cute! Alyssa Edwards stuffed herself in a pink pouf you’d use to scrub up in the shower. Did not love. Vivienne Pinay went for ballet pink, and, as one of the judges pointed out, looked like the tiny dancer who spins endlessly in a musical box. It was tu-tu much, in a good way.

Detox wore a pseudo Elizabethan ruffley ruff, underpants, and some uber light pink see-thru mesh on top. She looked like a Photoshop of Horrors with jiggly boobs, but no nipples. Roxxxy Andrews wrapped herself in a pepto-pink satin bedsheet and tried to fool us into thinking it was a dress. A mullet dress. I detest high-low hems for this very reason. Lineysha gave us a baby pink with hot pink ruched flowers cocktail dress, and a long, amazing floor-length overskirt flowing on the back. This is how you play with hem lengths, ladies. She continues to kill it.

Jinkx wowed in a sassy Marie Antoinette-esque confection of yellow and pink, complete with enormous pink wig (a gift from her supportive grandma! aw!) and snuff box. Santino won the day by dubbing her “Marie Aquanet.” Coco Montrese went for little girl ruffle cutesy in her ode to Shirley Temple. Ivy Winters dazzled with pure Vegas Showgirl realness, and I say realness not in vain, Persephoneers. From headdress to hot pink shoes, she was flamingo perfection. Honey Mahogany gave us Pink Bedsheet 2.0 in a mess of a grocery bag dress. After Jinkx and Ivy, this queen looked like a pauper. Jade Jolie brought up the quality, in the glittery pink dress and pink/blonde hair reminiscent of a Hefner bunny.

After that mixed bag, we got to watch their children’s shows. Team Alaska’s “Buffalo Bill’s Barnyard Buddies” was pretty funny. Roxxxy Andrews as Tasha Salad was especially hilar. I learned that some folks enjoy a dirty salad to toss, and that throwing shade is bad when Monica’s trying to remember her lines, and that calling yourself “Buffalo Bill” is always creepy in a post-Silence of the Lambs world.

Team Lineysha’s show was called “The Magic Bush.” This one benefited greatly from good editing, making it seem a lot less shitty than it was. But it was still pretty stinky, and made little sense. It got one, sad courtesy clap from Michelle Visage. And no other judge. I learned that when in doubt, jump up and down, and never cast Coco in your TV show.

The winner was Detox, for her Clucky performance of the hottest cock in town.

Monica Beverly Hillz was in the bottom – again – for being just plain boring. Joining her was Coco, whose performance was a total flop, even though she protested that she was used to being the star of the show. I wouldn’t pay to see that. They lip-synched to Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up” and finally, Coco turned it on, blowing the snoozariffic Monica away. Monica sashayed into the sunset, in tears as Ru expressed her love and support.

So, kiddies, did YOU learn any lessons this week from our drag friends? Tell me in the comments!

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Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.

2 thoughts on “Recap: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Episode 5.3, “SpongeRu Squaretuck””

  1. I was so dissapoint with Lineysha this ep. She could have had so much fun with it! But Jinkx is totally growing on me.

    PS Does anyone watch Pandora Boxx’s recap’s on the Logo site? I just discovered them and she is too funny (she’s always been one of my faves).

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