There are only eight queens left, and it’s (as Alyssa put it) “balls to the wall” time. I guess that means (presumably) sixteen big balls stuck on the wall vying for favor from Ru. I think I just described the porn RuParody of this show.

One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

Today’s mini challenge was for everyone to put on their makeup in the dark, you know, to practice for any eventuality, like a blackout you need to be in drag for, or a zombie apocalypse you need to be in drag for. Ru (and us) got to watch with night vision goggles. As long as there is absolutely no follow-up test, I can say with perfect confidence that I would perform this feat splendidly. Of course, Ru got distracted by watching the bulges of the Pit Crew, but who wouldn’t want to watch that? I’m staring at a crotch as I type tihs rihtg nwo adn yu cant tlel teh differnece!

Many of the queens did pretty well at this challenge. Some… did not. Coco appeared to have mixed up his highlighter with some crime-scene body-outline chalk, and Alaska looked like he just came off a three week bender with Charlie Sheen. Detox was the winner!

The main challenge this week was borne of inspirational and money-raising songs from the 80s — think “We Are the World.” The contestants had to split into three teams to write and record a hit song called, “Can I Get an Amen?!” Makeup winner Detox got to choose the teams, so he immediately put himself and his cronies of RoLaskaTox on one. Jade, Ivy, and Kinkx were one team… and Coco, Alyssa, and THEIR EPIC FEUD were the other. Y’all, I am so over this FEUD. I wouldn’t mind if it were more interesting, or if I liked one of the FEUDers, or if somebody snatched a damn sequin every once in a while, but as it is? BO-RING. They owe me a #RuPaulogy.

To go with the theme, the dress was supposed to be “80s ladies,” which YAY! Here’s to neon and shoulder pads and Melanie Griffith hair.

CoLyssa’s first problem was Alyssa’s lack of tune-age, in a bucket or otherwise. Ru encouraged them to put fun in their lyrics, because, once again, they were zzzzzzz.

Ru visited JinkxAdeVy (what? I’m trying, shut up) and told them they needed to each stand out, for this is a competition! That’s the same advice my mom always gave me, and that’s why I was Head Rat in The Pied Piper of Hamlin in first grade. Suck on that, piper. Think you’re the star just cuz you’re in second grade, bitch? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah — WINNING. Obvs I’m still a winner, because I’m a blogger who creates words like JinkxAdeVy.

In their Reagan-era finery, the queens sidled into the recording area to sing and make a grand video. CoLyssa would start them off, and Coco was feeling the pressure, being the only one with ability. This must be what it feels like to be anyone next to Paris Hilton. Coco met this problem head on by being passive-aggressive in front of Ru’s adorable music producer, Lucian Piane. CoLyssa stank up the joint like me after a curry buffet. I haven’t seen queens this pathetic since Game of Thrones went off the air. JinkxAdeVy was a mixed bag. Ivy can sing. Jinkx can… kinda yell sorta on key. Jade can… well, Ivy can sing.

RoLaskaTox talked a lot of shit, but wasn’t hitting any high notes. Roxxxy revealed that she thinks sequin is pronounced sequence, and that sequenced is many sequence. But who am I to laugh at this unfortunate mix-up? After all, I wouldn’t want to be put on a grammar pedal stool — it’s too easy to fall off them.

In the work room, Coco annoyed everyone by playing the victim even as she instigated fights. Yawn. I’m starting to side with Alyssa in the FEUD and that makes me sad, for I dislike Alyssa, too.

This week’s guest judges were The Pointer Sisters, Anita and Ruth, and LaToya Jackson. The runway challenge was for each queen to show off her favorite body part. If it were me, I’d show off my funny bone, which looks a lot like my cleavage.

Coco Montrese began the parade by displaying her heart in a zombie-esque getup, complete with a leotard showing off (painted on) ribs and innards. It was the most interesting thing she did all episode. Alyssa Edwards wore a short, shiny caftan thing to show off her legs and paired it with gladiator sandals. I say sic the lions on her. Jade Jolie dressed as Rainbow Brite to show off her arms. It looked like she scalped some unicorns and stuck the manes to her outfit. It was… weird. I don’t get this girl. She says she never carries anything over five pounds to keep her arms svelte. My daily Cheeze-It allotment weighs more than that.

Ivy took a chapter from Leslie Knope’s wedding album and made a dress made of photocopies of her face. It was adorable! Jinkx Monsoon dressed as a bad guy’s girlfriend in an 80s movie, and I don’t mean that in the good way. When the gold tin foil on your outfit looks like it came outta Working Girl, it’s a poor choice. Her sad black bob wig didn’t help her in the glamour department. Roxxy Andrews wore a neon peach wrap over a terrifying swimsuit that her boobs almost fell out of. The look was strictly barely-there derriere. Alaska was going to wear assless chaps (they’re sadly at the cleaners), so she donned a Madonna-esque long, ice-purple wiggle gown to show off her clavicle.

Detox won the whole parade by wearing a black leather mermaid-hem gown that was classy in the front and ass-peeky in the back. Her laces were further apart than American political parties. “Say yes to crack!” quipped Santino.

After this cheeky display (har de har), we got to see the debut of the video “Can I Get an Amen?” Thank goodness Ru and editing are the stars of this thing is all I have to say. Coco had the personality of a dry mop. I say dry, because a wet mop is at least useful. Jade wasn’t much better, but at least she smiled. Ivy is the only singer in this entire group. At least Alaska is funny. I thought the whole effort was disturbingly lackluster. The song is available on iTunes, and part of the proceeds will benefit the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Centers Homeless Youth Services. That is a great reason to buy the song. And then never listen to it.

At judging, Ivy did well, Coco did badly, and Michelle got on Jinkx’s case. Michelle also lectured RoLaskaTox about not being chummy and worrying about themselves in the competition. Ru said she wanted to get to the hidden heart of Alaska, buried under layers of schtick. I think Ivy really emerged as a frontrunner this episode because she looked and sounded great. And naturally, she won!

Up for elimination were Coco and Jade, and I totally agree. They lip synched for their L I V E S to “I’m So Excited” in front of the Pointer Sisters! Damn. I do not envy those queens. Coco brought it. Why can’t she do this in the challenges? Oh, yeah: EGO. Jade was cute and bouncy, but she just didn’t have the same impact. There’s no star quality there. And she went home.

I’ll close with Ru’s tried and true saying: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? So love yourselves, Persephoneers! Tell me about it in the comments. Unless it’s a graphic story about self love. In that case, put it in fan fic!