Persephoneers, put a match to your pilot light, because we’re gonna have a roast up in here! Sadly, I cannot transmit any hot beef over the interwebs*, so you’ll have to be content with our favorite queens roasting Ru and the judges on this episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race!
One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!
*If I could do that, I’d be a billionaire. And possibly a pimp.
At the top of the episode, there was bellyaching, friends. And fussing. And a little grandiosing. Alaska bellyached that she did not want to be part of RoLaskaTox anymore, and not just because it’s the stupidest group since the Men’s Rights Activists. No, Alaska wants to be ALASKA! the one who is totally not in her more talented boyfriend’s shadow. Coco fussed that she had not won a challenge, and went on to grandiose (which is a verb now, yes) that everyone had better WATCH OUT! because she was finally going to try or something. Yup, these queens better watch out for more mediocre-ing at the hands of Coco, Drag’s loudest yawn.
Ru sashayed into the work room whispering the words we all dream of hearing… the library is open! The library is always fun, what with its seedy menfolk hanging out in the teen girl section, but Ru’s library is special, for it is where the queens go to read. And reading is fun-damental on the Drag Race. When you read someone, you insult them, darlings. Why, once Romantic Times called me a “romantic comedy” writer – quotes theirs. OUCH. It was so bitchy, it’s my favorite review ever. In that spirit – on to the purple Haterade (TM)!
Some of the best:
Detox to Alaska: Sharon Needles? What? No?
Jinkx to Detox: You won the challenge – you can take the chicken mask off now.
Roxxxy to Coco: For someone who calls themselves a top, you sure do like being on the bottom.
Alyssa to Ivy: I can’t do it – reading you is like reading a Walt Disney book: it’s too easy.
Alaska to Alyssa: Alyssa Edwards, Miss U.S… oh, wait…
Alaska to Detox: You’re so seductive, but unfortunately it’s illegal to do it with you because most of your parts are under eighteen years of age. Long story short – the season of the fish smells like trout.
When the dust had settled over the now-bombed-out library, Alaska won, the shady bitch. She earned the right to decide the order of the queens at the roast. She worked to give everyone their preference, which was nice, and gave herself the first (and hardest) slot. Coco thought she was crazy, but I thought it was brilliant. Alaska will likely shine in this challenge, and starting things off with a bang will only serve her well, should she carry it off.
The pressure was on like my belly in Spanx. As Jinkx put it, “At a drag show, when you bomb you don’t just hear crickets, you hear shotguns getting cocked.” And they say liberal America doesn’t know about guns. We just know when it’s necessary to wield them!
Michelle came by the work room to help the roasting of Ru (The Rusting?). She asked Alaska if he wanted to be Miss Congeniality or the next drag superstar for taking the heat and going first. I don’t see what’s so wrong with being Miss Congeniality – you have to make everyone love you; it makes your sudden and inevitable betrayal so much more satisfying.
Alyssa couldn’t seem to understand the difference between plain old insults and jokes. Funny jokes, one can forgive. Insults, one can get punched for.
The contestants worked out their material in front of celebrity funny persons Deven Green, Bruce Vilanch, and Nadya Ginsburg. Generally, the queens stank up the joint. Alyssa laughed at his own jokes; no one joined him. Nobody was funny at rehearsal. Like, at all. There were more deflated men in that room than at Fox News on election night. Somewhere in the distance, I swear I heard the mournful cry of Karl Rove.
The guest judges were Leslie Jordan (love him!) and Jeffrey Moran from Absolut Vodka (I am indifferent to him!).
And so, the roast got underway in front of a live studio audience. Alaska started off with a bang, saying, “Leslie Jordan is the only man on earth to have fucked more gay men than Michelle Visage.” Then she launched a series of “RuPaul is so old” jokes that had my evil ass cackling. She killed it. Bravo, Sharon Needles’ boyfriend!
Roxxxy had to follow that tough and stringy act. And I can’t be sure, but by my count, the gun cocks outnumbered the laughs by twelve to one.
Coco did her act as Ru’s cousin from the Brewster Projects – and it was a marvelous choice. I almost have to take back all the nasty things I’ve said about Coco (al…most). She said that Ru’s suits turned him into the Black Pee Wee Herman. And that his pants were so high, he looks like he’s in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. Well done, Ru’s cuz. Well done.
Jinkx started by saying, “It’s hard to top Coco… but look at her – who would want to top Coco?” Her set was pretty great – go Jinkx!
Ivy followed Jinkx. She did pretty well – she doesn’t have the funny panache that several of the other queens do, but seeing as she’s a total comedy neophyte, she pulled it out pretty well (that’s what he said!)
Alyssa had the microphone giving massive feedback – too bad that’s about all the reaction she got. Unless you count horrified glances. She asked, “Can I get a gay-men?” and the camera panned to a worried man shaking his head “no.” Oooooh. When editing is against you, you know your act sucks ass, and not in the good way. The biggest laugh Alyssa got was when Detox, up next, said, “Wasn’t she delightful?” and then everyone laughed. I needed aloe vera, that burn was so potent.
Detox went on to call Leslie Jordan gayer than the Fire Island production of Rent. I had to pause the show to laugh, y’all. That’s pretty gay. She had to look at her notes too much, but the act itself was great.
Once the flop sweat had been mopped away, it was time for judging. They thought Alaska, as the opener, should have gone a bit further. But Leslie said that she “heard the music of comedy,” which I thought was a beautiful way of putting it. I could not agree more – some folks trill the titters, while others screech into the silence. Speaking of screeching, Alyssa got poor marks for trying too hard, yet flopping anyhow. For once, Michelle loved Jinkx’s runway ensemble – hooray! Has our girl finally found the key to the kingdom? Queendom? Whateverdom? Coco got top marks for her hilarious set and look, but Roxxxy scraped the bottom for her sad showing.
The winner was none other than Coco Montrese! She played to her strengths and it really paid off. The two losers surprised no one – Roxxxy and Alyssa. They lip synched to “Whip My Hair” by Willow Smith. Roxxxy began the song by pulling off her drawers (wut) and then her wig – to reveal another long wig underneath! She came prepared, okay? Alyssa brought it, mostly, but I personally loved Roxxxy. She really broke down at the end and told a story about how her mother left her and her sister at a bus stop when she was three, and how she’s felt like she wasn’t good enough since then. Even Ru shed an elegant tear, saying that as gay people, they got to choose their families, and that she loved everyone, including Roxxxy. Ru said they both gave the passion she looks for in a superstar. Shauntay – they both stayed!
Y’all, I was blubbering like a slightly-inebriated, overly-makeupped baby. I love a happy ending, especially when it’s covered in non-waterproof mascara. Go hug your peeps, Persephoneers, because all is well in the land of drag…
…Until next week!