I am on a heavy dose of cold meds, friends, so if this recap has a little extra whatthewhat, please bear with me. I’m slower than the time it took for Coco to finally remove her head from her butt and give winning RuPaul’s Drag Race the old college try. If she can come out on top in a challenge, then I can sense make.
One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!
I do hope you lived your life this past week like you had two wigs on. That is how Roxxxy Andrews kept her place amongst the drag glitterati. From her, I learned to keep my head up, and to always be prepared to whip my faux hair (back and forth is optional). I feel like this should become a thing ““ “double wigging it!” could mean a person is terribly competent and going balls/ovaries/whathaveyou-to-the-wall to come out on top. LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE YOU’RE DOUBLE WIGGING IT!
Did I mention the cold medicine?
Roxxxy began the episode explaining more about how her mother had left her when she was three, and about the orphanage she grew up in. She also apologized for taking out some of her anger on Jinkx. Coco, meanwhile, is ready to keep her winning streak going and sneak attack. She’ll have to be quiet once in a while to really sneak up on anyone.
This week’s mini challenge featured the pit crew. What’s that? YOU enjoy the pit crew? Why, I do as well! What’s not to like about a bunch of almost-naked, silent, gorgeous men? I’m pretty sure this is what misandrist heaven looks like (plus Adele). The pit crew brought twenty of their modeling buddies to the work room, and there was more glistening beef in that room than at my last fourth of July cookout.
Designer Andrew Christian was there to accept Ru’s thanks for putting his name (Christian’s) all over the Pit Crew’s undies. I’m not really into this look, for think of how much smaller their briefs would be without all the silly name real estate?
Today’s game was called “Whatcha Packin’?” and is also the name of three porns and my dreams whenever I watch too much True Blood before I go to bed. The queens were tasked with playing a matching game with the hotties’ underpants. This segment was worth watching for all of Ru’s bulge puns. Oh, and all the bulges. Ru said, “It’s like the Rockettes, except with cocks.” So like…the Cockettes? I can’t believe this joke was missed. Ru, I have a secret dream of being hired to write for you. Call me!
The queens were bad at this game on the whole. I think they didn’t want it to end. Neither did I. I guarantee you, wherever you are reading this right now, you’d rather be watching the match-the-bulge game. In fact, Ru declared every straight woman and gay man in America to be the winner! Yay me! But the actual winner was Ivy Winters! He won a phone call home. Awwwww! Bet he doesn’t tell mom how he won.
This week’s main challenge was to design a signature perfume and a commercial to go with. Ivy immediately came up with “Poisoned Rosebud.” Rosebud is a euphemism for butt hole. You know, I would totally pick up a fragrance called “poisoned asshole.” The tag line should be, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the rosebud.” I can see George Clooney growling this line in a pretentious black and white commercial.
Roxxxy’s was called “Thick and Juicy,” and meant to instill confidence. Ru said it smelt of food… like iHop. I’ve always wanted to remind people of Moons Over My Hammy, so I’m on board. Coco decided to call his “RuAnimale by Coco,” which confused Ru. And everyone else in the world. Alyssa’s perfume was called “Alyssa’s Secret.” “What is Alyssa’s secret?” Ru asked. Crickets.
The commercial shoots were presided over by Michelle Visage and Aubrey O’Day. Jinkx was up first; her perfume was “Delusion” by Jinkx Monsoon. Let’s put it this way ““ after the first take, Michelle said, “Remember ““ it’s perfume, not a dildo ad.” I don’t see what’s so wrong with lounging on a tiger-striped chaise mimicking a post-Pit-Crew orgy. But that’s what we call Wednesday here.
Ivy changed her scent to “Dress Code,” which boooooooo. She flirted glamorously in front of a green screen on New York City! Er, Tokyo! Oh, well, they’re, like, practically the same place.
Coco put on a leopard outfit, gave herself lion hair, and performed in front of a leopard green screen. And then she added a pit crew dude in a lion mask on a leopard chaise! It was pure pussyception. And it was as terrifying as one might expect.
Detox’s perfume is “Heroine.” Or “Heroin.” They sound the same, and she meant both, but no one spelled it for me. At least she didn’t look like a white elephant sale at Zoos R Us. Then she began whispering: Detox… sexy… HEROIN. The HEROINE came out deep, like if James Earl Jones was performing this as a sketch on SNL. It was super funny. But not… sexy… in the least.
Alyssa came onto set in an ugly, balloney black dress and said, “Everyone’s got a secret. Mine happens to be a little bigger.” Pardon me, but I don’t want to smell like Alyssa’s big secret. I believe I can speak for many, many in the intended customer base when I say this.
“Red… for Filth!” was Alaska’s scent. As long as it doesn’t smell like junk, she’s already ahead in my book. Some of her tag lines were “Dangerous… flawless… seductive… over-priced.” LULZ!
Back in the work room, Jinkx revealed that he had a crush on Ivy Winters. Y’all, this is the best thing to happen in the work room since all those men were flashing their underpants half an hour ago.
Aubrey O’Day and Joan Van Ark were the guest judges this week. On the runway, Coco kept up her theme of animale eyesore with a zebra gown. I’m pretty sure the cast of The Lion King is taking out a class action against her. Alaska wore red, naturally, and the crazy Kool-Aid wig was awesome on her. Ivy looked like an ice skater with a ruffley booty skirt. It worked, kinda like a tail for her beige leotard. Detox wore a her-flesh-colored mesh dress over black underwear. I must get the name of her tailor for my class(less) reunion. Alyssa wore a dark green damask ’80s power suit. Alexis Draggington, dahling. Jinkx Monsoon went straight-up Ziegfeld girl in 1920s ingenue regalia that took my breath away. Roxxxy wore a pink iridescent cat suit that looked as if she’d blown the world’s most enormous bubble in gum and it splattered all over her.
I’m going to give brief reviews of the commercials:
Coco, RuAnimale by Coco: world’s tackiest late-night infomercial filmed in a porn dungeon.
Alaska, Red for Filth: Hilarious. Would definitely buy.
Ivy, Dress Code: I nodded off there from all my drugs.
Detox, Heroine: “Available at the clinic.” HA! Would buy this, too.
Alyssa, Alyssa’s Secret: Santino said it best: “I don’t know what this is you’re selling me, but I don’t want it. I want to change the channel.” I want to live on a different planet.
Jinkx, Delusion: The tag line is “Convince yourself!” and since delusion is pretty much what gets me out of bed every day, this was my winner. It was funny, campy, and all-too-tragically real for this snot-ridden blogger.
Roxxxy, Thick & Juicy: Fun and awesome, with an excellent “do what you like!” message. I don’t know if I would buy it, but I’d eat a short stack in its honor.
Aubrey O’Day called Coco “obvious, unoriginal, and overdone.” Which, ah, um… seems particularly stinging somehow. She said that Red was the only one she would actually wear ““ the rest smelled like grandma’s vag, which is now a hash on Twitter. That can only lead to good things. Santino remarked that Alyssa’s Secret smelled like a Kardashian sex tape.
Alaska finally won a challenge! Yay for her hilariousness. Ivy fell into the bottom (but what of our budding romance?!), as did Alyssa, again. I was rooting for Ivy, as I’ve felt Alyssa should have been out a while ago. They lip synched to the awesome “Ain’t Nothin’ Going on but the Rent” by Gwen Guthrie. But Ivy lost this round by being a little too subtle. I had a major sad at this elimination.
Which perfume would you want to wear, Persephoneers? Do you want to smell like a drag queen’s mysterious package? Or live the life of delusion, like me?