The last four drag queens on RuPaul’s Drag Race are RoLaskaTox and Jinkx Monsoon. One of these things is not like the others, Persephoneers! Jinkx was sweating in her hidden places, knowing she was a lone fish in a hostile pond.
One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!
The mini challenge this week involved puppets! Ah, puppets, so sweet and hand-y. But alack, they were used in a bitch-fest, which is really surprising for this show, seeing as the usual order of events is singing Kum Ba Ya and braiding each others’…. Erm.
Each contestant chose a puppet that resembled one of their competitors. They then dragged it up and used it for bitching purposes. I often use this technique to passive-aggressively get back at my cat for puking in my purse. Seriously, the queens dressing up these puppets looked like 871% more fun than any damn thing I did today. I’m gonna open up a play store called Tuck-It Puppet full of mini wigs and gowns. The best moment of “the shade of it all,” as Ru put it, was when Alaska had puppet Roxxxy take off one wig to reveal another underneath. Already a classic. And then she tore off Roxxxy’s dress to reveal another, and then another outfit under that one! Well done, Alaska. You have come far. And she won the challenge!
This week’s main challenge was a doozy: the Sugar Balls! Oops… Sugar Ball. Each queen had to whip up three looks – the super duper sweet sixteener; the sugar mama (executive realness); and candy couture, which I think is singing Bow Wow Wow, although I could be mixed up. Yes, I’m getting more info through my earpiece… ah, the candy was actual candy. If you ever wanted to lick a drag queen, this was your big chance to have one taste like Jawbreakers on purpose. In addition, they had to perform a group number, which would definitely go swimmingly.
Roxxxy was in her element, since she was the most sew-ey of the group. And told everyone. A lot. She better whip up some amazing glittertastic shit.
Rehearsal for the musical number went really well, what with the dick measuring. Alaska had all the rhythm of a young Bela Lugosi. Jinkx was clowning it up, and Roxxxy got bitchy because of
jealousy being a perfectionist.
Back in the work room, poor Jinkx was hit with a wave of narcolepsy and had a lot of trouble staying perky enough to work on her dresses. Roxxxy was happy about Jinkx’s frustration and stress. It wasn’t in the spirit of competition – it was a little mean. There’s a fine line. I’d rather win because I was better, not because my competition had medical troubles.
Time for judging! This week’s guest judges were Bob Mackie himself and Marg Helgenberger, who used to be on CSI, which is apparently a show people still watch. Must be 87% Florida viewership.
Anyhoo, the Sugar Babies musical number was ridiculous and fun. The usual standouts, Alaska and Jinkx, stood, well, out. They know when to camp it up and not just rely on being pretty, which is a lesson Roxxxy has not learned yet.
On to the fashion parade! Or what I call Monday mornings when I look like shit in everything and then I throw each item of clothing I own mournfully to the floor. What else are workday mimosas for?
Super Duper Sweet Sixteen:
Alaska went full-on Paris Hilton in a black mini dress and long blonde wig. Y’all, when I was sixteen I did not look like Barbie hooker. Ah, the 90s. It was a quieter, gentler time. Jinkx appeared to be dressed as a forty-year-old colorblind woman in an aging teal green lace dress and hippie blonde wig. It was… confusing. The best thing about this outfit was Santino saying, “My name’s not Jinkx anymore – it’s DREAMCATCHER!” Roxxxy wore a sequined flirty halter dress with marshmallow accessories. Yeah. At least it was cute. Detox wore an 80s-inspured hot pink and black Madonna tu-tu and leggings getup. Again, it was aging. This category was a total dud for me.
Sugar Mama – Executive Realness!
Alaska killed it in a black power pantsuit with a sexy bra showing and her hair short and pixie-ish. This biatch was ready to kick that glass ceiling to shards! Jinkx appeared on the runway in a zany orange skirt suit with her red hair every which way and Ru said, “It’s LaCroix, darling, it’s LaCroix!” which is a nod to Eddie from AbFab, and if you don’t already know that, we might not be able to be friends. Roxxxy looked like a cougar on the way to an after-hours assignation in a velvet mini dress and cape that would be seen in exactly no office anywhere. Detox looked fierce in a royal blue skirt suit and wild blonde frizzy wig – like a scary fashion executive.
Cotton candy was the item du jour on Alaska’s slim frame – she looked adorable and fluffy and pink. Definitely something you’d want to sink your sweet tooth into. Ru called her “Fluff the Magic Drag Queen.” *Rimshot* Jinkx went off the deep end in a good way as a peppermint Christmas reindeer… thing. She wore striped hose, a striped corset, and a red and white tu tu. And antlers. She was red and white and horny all over! Roxxxy was hot as hell in a figure-skimming fringe dress made of strings of sour candy that moved and shimmied like you wish your lover did. Detox wore a bizarre Mad Max acid green and black gown with almost no candy on it, save for licorice.
Alaska went over like gangbusters with the judges from top to bottom. Jinkx scored highly for the dance number kookiness, but not so much for her sixteen-going-on-sixty outfit. The judges loved Roxxxy, too. Detox was called out for her tacky green candy mess.
The queens were then asked to throw their fellow ladies under that old Drag Race tour bus. Jinkx tripped Detox. Alaska shoved Jinkx under the bus (100% because Jinkx is her biggest competition); Roxxxy helped lodge Jinkx in a wheel well, and then Detox slapped her with a mud flap. It was brutal. It’s lonely at the top, especially when you’re not part of a stupidly-named mean girl group.
No surprise – the winner was Alaska, thereby securing her place in the top three. Detox and Jinkx ended up in the bottom. Roxxxy gave Jinkx a little pat on the arm as she walked to safety, and I said, “OH, PLEASE.” Fakest. Queen. Ever.
The lip-synch song was Malambo No. 1 by Yma Sumac, and the up-tempo, fun song seemed designed for a certain queen’s hi-Jinkx. Detox tried to sexy her way through it, and it simply didn’t work as well. It was water off a duck’s back for our favorite queen, Jinkx, who got to stay. Sadly, Detox went home. I always liked her, and I was sorry to see her go… but glad to see Jinkx stay!
WHO WILL WIN, Persephoneers?! Place your bets!