Something fishy happened last week, blog friends. It was a real drag. I almost wigged out! Yes, RuPaul’s Drag Race was a repeat, but this week we’re back with all new entertainment, if not new puns. So tuck in and read my recap! Okay, I’m done.
One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!
If you were paying attention last episode and not just drunk and singing in your underpants like I was, you’ll remember that Iiiiiiiivvvvvyyyy Winterzzzzzz went home, and that made our favorite Jinkx cry tears of sadness, for Jinkx had a crush on Ivy and they were bosom buddies. How terrible! Jinkx was also up in arms because she gets no respect from some of the queens (cough*Coco*cough) because being hilarious isn’t considered a true talent. AMEN, SISTER. I have heard the same thing. But comedy is hard, friends! Do you think puns pun themselves? And the rule of comedy threes is hard to count, yo. Coco rejoined that Jinkx often sneers at the “pageant queens.” True, true. Can’t everyone just be friends? HELL NO! This is not America’s Next Top Unicorn Drag Friendship! Although, I would watch that show.
Alaska said, “The best revenge is to just do better.” I would go further and say, “The best revenge is to do better and make millions and rub your diamonds in their faces until they bleed diamond-cut tears, and then you can laugh, LAUGH, I say!” But the sentiment is the same.
The mini challenge this week was “The Crying Game,” in which your film gets beaten for a best picture Oscar by Clint Eastwood. Oops, I mean” The Crying Game,” in which the queens were to cry on cue. So, with eyelashes the size of Tammy Faye, the queens sat in a therapy circle and told sad, ridiculous stories the likes of which you can view on any telenovela. “There’s nothing more sad than the tears of a drag queen,” intoned Ru. Detox fell into a very vulnerable place during the goings-on and talked about his deceased boyfriend, and the lingering pain of that horrible event. He won the challenge, along with Alyssa.
The main challenge would be acting in a prime-time soap, a true telenovela. One was called “House of the Crazy,” or Casa De Locas; the other, “She’s No Lady,” or Ella No Es Dama. Alyssa and Detox got to choose their casts, which ended up being Alyssa, Jinkx, Coco; and Detox, Roxxxy, and Alaska (RoLaskaTox).
Alyssa and Coco got along like me and cilantro. (FYI, I think cilantro is the grossest shit ever coughed up by a rancid patch of dung heap.) Alyssa cast Coco as the ugly, stupid maid. Since I can’t stand Coco, I found this to be hilarious. They didn’t dress her ugly, though. But there were more horrid accents happening than in a Kevin Costner movie.
The leading man in these scenes was Wilmer Valderama, who you may remember from That 70s Show. I found his character on that show to be extremely gross, what with all the “lol I broke into your house to steal your panties and watch you sleep” stalkery bullshit that always happened. Maria Conchita Alonso came by to coach them during the shoot. Rolaskatox did very well. On the other team, Jinkx was super funny, as one might expect. She and Alyssa were called upon to orgasm mid-scene, and Alyssa was being weird and somber with it, saying, “I’m trying to be a forty-eight-year-old.” I guess in your forties, orgasms are sad, just like our sagging tits or something. She said this in front of Ru, who is fifty-two. Crickets. Coco quipped, “Whoever Alyssa is sleeping with is apparently not doing their job.” +1 Coco.
Later in the work room, Detox opened up to Roxxxy about his boyfriend’s death, and they became closer friends. It was a sad, tragic story, but it was nice to see friends in the work room, rather than back stabbing. I actually don’t watch too many reality TV shows because of all the screaming and fighting. It agitates me. I know, I know – you should take my blogger hat away right now.
The guest judges were Ms. Alonso and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. The queens were charged with making us gag on their Latina Glamarosa Eleganza! First, I don’t think some of those are actual words – are they? Second, the last time I gagged on a Glamarosa, I had bruises the next day. Hey-O!
On the runway, there was mucho cultural appropriation, but what’s new on the Race? Detox served up “Mariachi realness,” although I don’t think most Mariachis wear pink. or long, red wigs. But potato, potat@. Roxxxy wore a long, red, sheer dress with a black corset pushing up her assets. I wish I had cleavage like hers! Alaska also wore red – a flamenco dress full of ruffles and sass. She looked amazing! But she played the maracas like a White lady, as Ms. Alonso pointed out. Alyssa wore some black and red raggedy-ass looking trying-to-be-a-Spanish-dancer costume that looked as if it came from a van behind the wig store. Coco brought it OUT in a mustard yellow jumpsuit with sleeves trailing ruffles all the way to the floor. I might not like Coco, but when she gets it right, SHE GETS IT RIGHT. She did her hair in a glam ’20s waved bob that accentuated her face perfectly. Jinkx wore what Michelle quipped was “Drag of the Dead” – a red and black Halloweeney getup. It was amazing, as was her black and white makeup.
Ella No Es Dama came first, starring Rolaskatox. The scene was about determining who had murdered Wilmer. There was a lot of slapping, and revelations about being pregnant. Basically, the Spanish version of a Kardashian Thanksgiving. In the end, they all drank poison served to them by the ugly maid. BUT! The maid turned out to be Wilmer’s brother. And Wilmer was alive! And giving all the acting energy of my left foot’s toe jam. (Seriously, I can’t stand this guy.) This scene was fabulous! Detox was critiqued for not being quite grand enough, but Roxxxy was praised for her performance. Alaska was called “gifted” by Jamie-Lynn.
Casa De Locas debuted next. Jinkx’s character had a most terrible condition – when she heard the names of food, she would orgasm so violently that she would die. Now, this scenario combines two of my favorite things – food and sex – so I would not mind going this way, if I had to die of a terrible condition. Jinkx was hilarious, and I would like to see her on a soap IMMEDIATELY. The maid (Coco) revealed that she had cursed the family with this dreaded medical nonsense. She decided to kill her employers by saying “chimichanga!” It was amazing. Except for Alyssa, who sucked. Useless Wilmer then came in and something something whatever. He and Coco acting together is about as invigorating as wet sand.
Alyssa was critiqued for being mush-mouthed in the scene, and Santino called her runway dress one of the worst he’s seen in five seasons. OUCH. Then she had a meltdown about how these challenges were not what drag clubs were about, and about how she could lip-synch and that was what mattered. Ru and Michelle said they were shocked and surprised by Jinkx’s outfit, but in a good, fun way. And her orgasms were damn fine, too! I’ve never seen a drag queen hump a couch better. Coco was critiqued for being intimidated next to Wilmer. Which is, um, erm.
Jinkx won the day, but of course! Muy wonderbar! She’s the first to win two challenges. I think our long shot’s odds are getting better.
Alyssa and Coco fell to the bottom, and the epic FEUD fueled their lip synch performances. They sang to “Cold Hearted” by Paula Abdul, a damn fine song from my youth (and a hot video). I was hoping Alyssa would be eliminated – I just feel her talents have been exhausted by the contest. Apparently, Ru agreed, and she sashayed away.
What do you think, Persephoneers? Who will be our final three?