The Manicured Nerd: If I Ran OPI

I like nail polish. I mean, I really like nail polish. And I’m a huge nerd. Those two things might not seem like they go together, but life is weird. One of the biggest names in the nail polish industry, OPI is known for their punny, frequently alliterative names. I’ve often thought that naming the new collections must be the most hilarious job in the world. So I gave it a try. Unofficially, of course. A while back, I asked for prompts on Tumblr to create hypothetical OPI nail polish collections, mainly based on pretty nerdy stuff. Here goes:

Star Trek 

  • Feren-give It To Me: a high-gloss metallic the color of gold-pressed latinum
  • Holo-decked Out: a glitter top coat that changes up any base color you can imagine.
  • Pon Farr Purple: a shimmery, iridescent purple that changes color with body temperature

Cheese-producing states/countries

  • Wisconsin White: a soft, creamy white
  • English Stilton: a soft bluish green
  • Bavarian Blue: a deep, rich royal blue


  • Design on a Dime Lime: a bright cheery green
  • Curb Appeal Teal: a fresh coat of greenish blue creme
  • House Hunter International: a dark hunter green with green shimmer


  • Plea Bargain Plum: a dark, shimmery reddish purple
  • Misde-greener: a light, leafy green
  • Voir Dire Violet: a pale purple with a silver shimmer

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

  • Help, Help, I’m Being Red-pressed!: a deep red shimmer
  • Your Father Smelled of Elderberries: a rich, purpley berry cream
  • Fetch us a Shrub-berry: a bright pinkish red

John Hughes

  • Describe the Ruckus Red: a bright, defiant red creme
  • “He’ll Keep Calling Me” Coral: an orangey peach that just won’t quit
  • Watts’s Diamond Earrings: a high shimmer bright silver-white

(and all of this avoiding the very obvious “Pretty in Pink”)

Junk food

  • Cheetos, Fritos, and Doritos, Oh My!: bright, fake-cheese orange
  • Brownie Sundae: deep chocolate brown with a frosty shimmer
  • SnoBall for All: bright, delicious pink


  • Opposable Thumb Plum: light, shimmery warm purple
  • Kinship Group Gold: high-shine metallic gold
  • Brachiation Bronze: warm, shimmery golden brown

The Breakup Collection

  • Bust the Wine-dows Out Your Car: a deep angry burgundy
  • And Don’t Come Black: true matte black
  • Hit the Road Red: fiery red shimmer


  • Gotham at Midnight: glossy true black
  • Can’t Steal the Batmobile: a matte gunmetal grey
  • Wayne Manor Dinner Party: deep blue-based red with dark silver sparkles

Battlestar Galactica

  • Blue Me Out the Airlock: deep royal blue, almost as black as space
  • Six’s Red Dress: bright true red creme
  • Starbuck and her Very Special Destiny: matte, unchippable near-clear nude

Veronica Mars

  • Obligatory Psychotic Jet Black: dark glossy black
  • Lilly Kane Khaki: preppy matte taupe
  • We Used to be Friends Fuschia: bright purpley pink

Alcohols/mixed drinks

  • Bombay Sapphire: clear, bright blue
  • Dark and Stormy: deep, almost-black brown, with a shimmer
  • Muddle my Mojito: clear topcoat with green glitter

“˜70s Key Party

  • Drop “˜em in the Punchbowl: a bright, fruity orangey red
  • Shagging on the Shag Carpet: medium matte brown with avocado green flecks
  • Wine and a Wife Swap: deep burgundy crème

Day-long hangover spent on the couch and tumblr

  • Replace Your Electro-lights: multicolored shimmer topcoat
  • Someone is Wrong on the Inter-garnet: angry, dark red
  • Reblog-ulous: Tumblr dashboard background blue

Strunk & White’s Elements of Style

  • A Few Matte-ers of Form: flat matte grey
  • Your Momma Uses the Oxford Comma: almost-black deep red with a shimmer
  • Strunk and White after Midnight: jet black with white glitter

Valley of the Dolls

  • Jacqueline Susann-tique White: rich, just off-white
  • Neely O’Hara’s Uppers: frantic, frenetic pink with multicolored glitter
  • Sharon Tate has a Date: dusky pink matte

Librarians/Information Professionals

  • Dewey Decimal Silver: stainless steel grey-silver
  • Boolean Burgundy: a dark reddish purple
  • Lost in the Stacks: a soft shimmery pale pink

Worst episodes of Buffy

  • Inca Mummy Gold: a deep mustard yellow with gold shimmer
  • Doublemeat Palace Purple: a medium purple with a brownish undertone
  • Season Seven Sepia: muted reddish brown

 Harry Potter Collection

  • He-Blue-Shall-Not-Be-Named: a deep navy blue
  • I Left My Heart in Hogsmeade: a soft, dusty pink
  • Dark Mark Sparkle: clear polish with black, navy, and pewter glitter
  • Don’t Badger Hufflepuff: a bright, lemony yellow
  • Ravin’ Claw: a royal blue with bronze shimmer
  • Come Hither-in, Slytherin: deep green creme
  • I Roar for Gryffindor: a true red with gold shimmer
  • Room of Require-mint: a pale green creme
  • Beauxbaton a Thousand: a dreamy pale blue
  • She’s a Heck of a Galleon: a bright gold with gold glitter
  • Red-membrall: a deep red with a soft white shimmer
  • Go Snuggle a Muggle: a soft beige creme
  • Marauder’s Map-ricot: a medium peach shimmer
  • Platform Wine and 3/4: a rich reddish purple


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[E] Rachel

I punctuate sentences with Oxford commas, and I punctuate disagreements with changesocks. Proud curmudgeon. Get off my lawn.

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