Every night before I go to sleep, I lay in my bed and pray. The first thing I pray for is my son; that he will have a good sleep, a good day, and that he’ll be happy, healthy, and safe.
The rest changes depending on the day, but the one thing I seem to feel guilty about asking God for help with is my health. I keep telling myself that God has more important things to concern himself with than my whining; there are folks out there who have it far worse than I do, and why should I get any special treatment?
In January of 2012, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia after ten years of chronic pain.
Every morning of my life, I wake up in pain. Some days are better than others; some days I can barely get out of bed without a whimper, and occasionally tears. The worst of the pain usually subsides into a dull, aching throb by mid-day, and then gets progressively worse throughout the evening. But the mornings are by far the worst.
So far I have found nothing that helps alleviate the pain. I’m unable to work in a job where I have to stand all day (or even for semi-long periods of time) which is why I’ve stuck with Administration for so long. It’s the lesser of two evils; I get incredible lower back pain (especially in my tailbone) from sitting all day, but at least I’m able to put my feet up on something to help with the knee pain. If I stand for any significant length of time, my entire back throbs, my shoulders hurt, and my knees swell.
Over the last several weeks, I’ve started to develop a new “pain point”: my left wrist. This is especially brutal when you work on a computer for 9+ hours a day.
I went to my doctor last week, thinking it was carpal tunnel (I’d never had it before). But the doc said that usually people get C.T. in their *right* wrist (from using the mouse) and that it starts with the thumb and spreads to the center of the hand. My pain starts at the outside joint and travels simultaneously between the upper part of my hand and the upper part of my wrist (I don’t know how best to explain it other than that).
He told me to wear a wrist brace to bed for a week, and if it doesn’t improve, that he will order some nerve testing.
Well I’ve gotta be honest”¦ I didn’t have the money to buy a wrist brace until that “week” was almost over. When I did finally purchase one (for $40!), I woke up the morning after putting it on and the area around my thumb was red and swollen. This brace was meant for ladies with small wrists (aka me). The thumb hole itself is not adjustable. I didn’t have the brace on super tight, just enough to immobilize my wrist. I also have the exact same brace for my other hand (from when I worked in a broom shop), and never experienced this problem before.
So I returned it to the store and haven’t bothered with trying another, as all the other braces were huge, bulky, and difficult to get on without assistance. It didn’t seem to help much anyways.
I called my doctor’s office yesterday and left a message with one of the nurses, asking him if he could order those tests for me. I haven’t heard back yet, but that’s also likely because of the long weekend.
But today is another one of those days where I woke up in so much pain that I simply wanted to cry. My ex took my son out of town for the weekend, so I am totally and completely alone until Monday. You’d think I would sleep in, right?
My body is programmed to wake up any time between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. because that is when my son usually wakes up, and that’s when I would normally be having a shower to get ready for work.
So without a job to go to (I was laid off last week), and no son to wake me up, why on earth am I sitting here are 6 a.m. writing this?
Because of the pain.
The pain makes it impossible to sleep sometimes. All I want to do is lay in bed and drift off, but the pain is so sharp that it’s all my brain can focus on, and then I just get angry and frustrated (both by the pain, and the fact that I cannot get back to sleep).
I would really love it if one day, I could wake up completely pain free. Ten years is a really long time to be suffering”¦ and what’s worse is that I keep developing new pain points. I fear that my wrist tests are all going to come back physically fine (as has always been the case when I’ve been tested for any of my pain points), which will then mean it’s simply another spot I’m going to have pain for the rest of my life, with no way to cure it.
That, my dears, is a depressing thought.