Sex On The Micro Side: Your Questions, Redux

One of the joys of writing a sex column is the amount of questions we get. Without continued questions, there is no column and no way to talk about experiences or problems we may or may not have experienced. In many ways, it’s a little bit like group therapy, and even though I’m on one end of the question and answer dynamic, I feel as if we are all on that big couch, figuring it out together.To be more specific, reader questions continue to make this column happen, and each week, I browse our inbox with only the excitement a three year old on a purple slushie high may feel. However, for all our in-depth questions, sometimes our box of questions and queries (to which you can always deliver your sex and relationships questions), are shorter and easier to answer questions that don’t always make it to the long-article cut. I can’t always wax poetic about the topic at large for more than a paragraph, which leaves a lot to be desired. Which brings us to micro-side, the continuing short pops of sex advice, a quickie of a reading experience. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this week’s round of micro-questions (though this week, we seem to have a lot of assertive statement makers).

Q. On squirting…your beautiful voice can help along with a man who loves you. So feel free to scream…scream squirt scream squirt..uh huh!

A. I used to think that questions, or rather, statements, like this were a waste of my time. Obviously one dude had found the column and was like, oh hey, you know what would make this women-oriented column better? A dude rubbing his nutsack all over it. So he leaves a question, or rather, a short description of a quasi-porny bro fantasy. Which is cool…but not really. Gentlemen, let’s chat. Even though this column is a women-oriented column, I like having you here. Hell, I love it! Frankly, I think the advice you get from Sports Illustrated or Men With Chicks And Guns is to the moon ridiculous. I give Esquire points for actually having a sex column by a woman, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled up on a men’s oriented sex column and been horrified at the results. Making out with me immediately after your trip to the gym? Putting pearls on your penis? Rope-a-dope? As a famous philosopher once said, “Please don’t try this at home”.

Much like Cosmo sex advice has got to be the worst thing ever (see tip 2 on penis-slapping), sometimes what we are given as information out there is about as helpful as tying a hundred dollars to a pigeon and expecting a return on your investment. Sex advice, when it comes from real people, with real experience, is liberating, freeing, and above all, honest. If not I, then look at the likes of Go Ask Alice, Dan Savage, Dr. Ruth (a long time personal favorite), Zane (a serious favorite), Miss LauraDr. Hilda Hutcherson, and Tristan Taormino. But sexual advice is not applicable to all people,all at once, so we have to find who best speaks to us honestly. This might be categorized by race, maybe by gender, maybe by the lens through which someone speaks. Either way, the role of an advice columnist is to try and create an open, non-judgmental environment so that people feel safe revealing parts of who they are or what they want to experience, since the general world is not so understanding of the complex nature of sex, sexuality, and so forth.

Exxxxcccceeeept, when folks just troll the inbox. Now, I think it takes a particular type of person to take satisfaction from little bits like this. I suppose with the anonymity of the internet, as well as a heaping sense of entitlement, it is too be expected, and frankly, could be much worse. But don’t waste your time. I at least get to wax a bit about how it relates to the greater scheme of things – like how it’s more socially acceptable that men act frivolous about sexuality (theirs, but also, women’s) or expect everything be catered to them. It’s a little bit like the blind leading the blind, and then shooting themselves in the foot. Rubbing your nutsack on an advice column inbox doesn’t actually merit any lost sleep, but it does prove that you are reading it.


A. THE ONE WHERE YOU CAN BE IN ALL CAPS. Just kidding. It depends. That’s a bit like asking, or really, demanding, where the best food is. The best food is everything, everywhere, it just depends on who you are. We all come to sex with different histories, personal experience, and information, whether it be cultural, social, or emotional about sex. If you grew up in the Deep South like myself, then you probably grew up with the ever disgusting band-aid theory (thank god for Lindy West continuing to write on the issues that I can’t touch with a ten foot pole without pulling out my hair) where sexual pleasure was applicable for boys, but girls were like that piece of tape that kept getting stuck to all those boys arms – dirty tape! Dirty pillows! Needless to say, even though I knew it was complete and utter bullshit, it took a few years, a bit of therapy, and getting involved in performing sexuality, before I began to understand what it was that I wanted and needed from sex. Contrast this with the experience of some of the people in my life who grew up without as much shame attached to sex, and they can tell you that even they still struggled to find what it is that feels good, or what it meant to be gay, or what it meant to figure out they were kinky.

Now even with all that, that doesn’t even include what sex feels best based on your genitals, or how you identify with your gender beyond genitals. Gender and sexuality are sticky little things, so it’s never wise to narrow it down to one final solution or even assumption. What feels good for me may not feel good for the woman over 50, or the trans man who is just starting to transition, or the SM kinkster. Cosmo or Maxim might have you believing that there are about two positions (missionary style and doggy) or that what matters is that you find the clitoral action, and all this is good and well, but it doesn’t really hit all the bases. Where someone’s fingers may get them to orgasm, only can someone else’s toy get them. Where one delights in rougher, more aggressive sex, one may find traumatic and triggering. While one may delight in anal sex, another really could take it or leave it. There is no one fail safe position or move. You just have to figure out your body and your partner’s body and how they can work together. Like most of the rewarding aspects of this crazy little thing we call life, if you just pay attention and you will find the answer, or at least an answer.

Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep “˜em com­ing! You can send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the Ask Us! fea­ture here


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