[NSFW pictures after the cut.] Q. “My boyfriend is interested in incorporating anal play into sex. We tried but it wasn’t so successful. But honestly, it wasn’t so bad either. I used lots of lube and used a condom on my finger to slip it in. I just was at a loss to where the “male G-spot” (the prostate gland) was. So a couple of questions:
1) Where’s the man’s prostate gland?
2) How do you stimulate it? (Position???)
3) How can you work it into sex, slowly and steadily?
My love, I applaud you on your game plan. You have got the ABCs of anal penetration down, and are in search of the QRSs. This, even if it wasn’t so successful (yet not so bad either), is a great step.
The funny thing about the prostate is that in Greek, it translates into, “The one who stands before,” aka “protector” or “guardian.” Herophilus, that old cat from Alexandria, used it way back in 355 B.C.E. to describe the small, walnut like organ in front of the bladder. Herophilus was an anatomist, and what better way to name this particular male gland, one would say the regulator of the male hormonal system, than that which stands before one’s testicles. Of course, this was a special dude thing, and scientists swore up and down that women did not have anything equal to the prostate, so not only did we maybe have dick envy, but we were probably jealous of the prostate as well. A nice Scottish gynecologist named Alexander Johnston Chalmers Skene first described them in around 1884: Skene’s Glands. However, it wasn’t until 2002 finally rolled around that the Federative International Committee on Anatomical Terminology decided to rename the dinky little Skene’s Gland (dinkily responsible for that tiny little thing known as squirting) to the female prostate.
So, while most folks talk about the prostate, what does it actually do? And where is that sucker? So for the record, we will be speaking in terms that are a bit specific to biological males and a wee bit on the binary scale. It’s definitely not applicable to all identified men out there, so heed with what you need. Now, the prostate is predominantly responsible for male sex hormones, aka testosterone. It works with both the the adrenal glands and dihydrotestosterone, which is one of the main regulators of the prostate. The prostate works by secreting a milky white, alkaline fluid along with spermatozoa and seminal vesicle fluid. That’s fancy talk for cum. Prostatic fluid is expelled in the first ejaculate fractions (pre-cum), and then in seminal vesicular fluid, which is where most sperm hang out, looking to potentially fertilize some eggs. When ejaculation happens, sperm moves from the ductus deferens into the male urethra via the ejaculatory ducts, which are based in the prostate gland. The bonus of all this slightly scientific talk? It is possible for men to have an orgasm solely through stimulation of the prostate gland, aka, prostate massage, anal sex, or anal stimulation.
So, where is that sucker? In the professional sense, the prostate gland is, “Just below the bladder, behind the pubic bone and just in front of the rectum. The prostate wraps around the urethra, which is the tube that carries urine from the bladder to the penis.” Thats all good and well, but a bit more technical and a bit less applicable to the actuality of sticking your fingers or potentially a toy inside your partner’s anus. Consider me surprised that AskMen.com had one of the best go-to resources on finding that sweet spot:
Lying on your back is generally considered to be the most comfortable position for this, so you’ll probably want to make use of the bed or perhaps a large sofa. The process will be easiest with your legs elevated, which you can do by simply leaning your legs against the wall behind the bed or draping them over the back of the sofa. If you’re still having difficulty reaching the perineum from this position, you can lift your backside further by sliding a pillow or two under your bum… start by gently massaging the area surrounding your anus. Most men enjoy having their taint (also known as the perineum) stimulated, and that can certainly be incorporated into this process. Use the soft pad of your index finger while exploring, and be gentle. As you relax further, lube your finger up and let it gently brush across the surface of your anus. Repeat this move several times, each time increasing the pressure slightly. When you’re comfortable enough to begin probing, you should keep things slow and gentle, taking care to relax your sphincter during the process. Once you’ve come in contact with the male G-spot, you’ll recognize it as a small, chestnut-sized bump situated approximately two inches inward.
It sounds like you and your partner are just beginning to deal with some of the first time awkward moments of anal play – which, we can all be adults and admit, can be awkward, and awkward is potentially one of the least sexy feelings out there. But, the good news here? Awkwardness, once surpassed through practice, or just saying, “Fuck it,” can lead to some good times. More importantly, it takes a few of those weird times to give you a practical, working knowledge of what feels good for your partner. Not everyone is the same, so what may feel good for one prostate, may not work for the other. As your mother used to say, “Practice, practice, practice.”
As far as working it into sex, this might take a bit. Sexually speaking, prostate stimulation feels the best when it is really isolated – in other words, with your fingers or toys. It isn’t that anal sex doesn’t feel or can’t feel as good, but that it is a different type of stimulation. Where toys or fingers don’t expand the anus so much, anal sex stretches out the surrounding area, and also adds a lot of pressure to the anus. The prostate is still stimulated, but a little less directly than say, if you were in there with a finger or toy. Start small – if you are into pegging, go with a smaller strap-on that provides a bit more direct stimulation, while meeting the need for anal sex. Or, if you have your own personal built in strap-on (a penis, y’all), start small. Go Ask Alice has a great game plan for starting small:
Before anal play, it can be helpful for your partner to urinate and/or have a bowel movement before you begin. You can cut and file smooth your fingernails as well, so that there are no rough or jagged edges. Relaxation is also important, minimizing or preventing the possibility of tearing the thin lining of the rectum, and setting the stage for pleasure…When you are both ready, you can begin massaging your partner’s prostate externally. Using your index and middle fingertips, you can touch, rub, stroke, or press his perineum (the area of skin from underneath his testicles to his anus), trying various sensations and pressures. Using your other hand, you can stroke other parts of his body for additional arousal. This is the beginning of the massage, so encourage your partner to communicate with you about what feels good to him. Using water-based lube, gradually insert your finger(s) into his anus. You may both need to experiment with various positions that allow for easy access. In the meantime, you can begin with him lying on his back. Insert your finger(s) about an inch or so, and when your partner is comfortable, move your finger(s) in an upward motion along the wall of the rectal lining that faces the front of his body. Try to locate a round bulb of tissue – this is the prostate. Once you locate this area, move your finger(s) in a “come here” motion, as if you were asking someone to move closer to you so that you could whisper a secret. Use your finger pad(s) on the tip(s) of your finger(s) to massage the prostate, and be mindful of not using your nail(s). Ask him what feels good and how he wants to be touched. While you are touching your partner in this way, you can ask if he wants more or less pressure, or slower or faster strokes.
The idea is to build up a pleasurable feeling, that way, if you two decide that anal sex is in the horizon, it will be easier to have it, now that you both are turned on, and your partner is more relaxed. Relax, take your time – it’s not a race. You both are there to give and provide pleasure, so you can take the time you need to figure out how best to do that. Now before you go into the world and try, try, again – there is one thing to note about prostate play: anal stimulation may cause feelings of having to go to the bathroom. Shoot, any prostate play causes that feeling of bathroom pressure, though with the male prostate, it is usually number two, where as the lady Skene’s, it’s number one. This feeling is usually just the side effect of the stimulation of a gland that is so close to the bladder. It takes getting used to, and is part of the whole she-bang. More than likely, you won’t pee or poo yourself, even if you think you will, and if you really, really, think you will, you can always relieve yourself before sex, as a just in case way to reassure yourself.
Oh and always remember. Lube. Seriously, lube up more than you ever think you need to. Lube, lube, lube – did I mention lube? Water-based is always great, but anal play is also good with oil-based lubes (oil-based lube is for butts only y’all). When in doubt, lube.
Seriously, put some lube on it.
Other than that kiddos, the world is your oyster. Go forth, and stimulate that prostate.
Got a question to ask, subject you’d like us to discuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep “˜em coming! You can send us an anonymous message via the Ask Us! feature here.