Loving My Body

Since two days ago, October 29th, I have been on Estrogen for 6 months. As many of you know, this has changed my life. My mind and body are starting to feel congruent with each other. I wake up each day freer from the bonds of testosterone-poisoning than the previous day. I am starting to love myself. 

It’s no secret that I have body issues. I developed an eating disorder at twelve thanks to my mom’s insistence on thinness and dieting. Of course, being raised a boy caused additional body-image issues. Having the wrong parts and going through the wrong puberty made learning about my own body as it developed very awkward and difficult. It made dating hard. Since I was so uncomfortable in my own body, how could I explore someone else’s? I didn’t have my first orgasm until 15 or 16 because I was so afraid of my boy parts.

I always felt ashamed to even touch myself. This may sound surprising since I was never sexually shamed as a kid. In fact, I learned about things like rim jobs and anal sex because my dad was a health teacher. He always had leaflets with the corresponding signs and pictures. I guess his sex-ed classes were pretty entertaining and graphic.

I didn’t hate testosterone-induced orgasms. I mean, they felt great. It was the dissonance and depression that came after them that I learned to loathe. This made it hard for others to love me as well. My first partner, who was a freakin’ unicorn, tried his best. While I liked some of the feelings, I gave off a very disdainful attitude. Combine awkward teen sex with internal homophobia and transphobia and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I experimented a lot all through college, learning to love giving my partner orgasms, but never really enjoying my own.

Fast forward to 2013, and I have learned how much I love my new body. I have learned to love my curves. My weight issues are almost entirely gone. I do not hear my mom in my mind telling me to get rid of my curvaceous body. If anything, I feel sexy for the first time in my life.

I am beginning to explore the sexual landscape of my new body and the feelings are definitely different. My emotions play a bigger role in arousal. My nipples and breasts are also important. They are very fun to have touched. It makes me immensely happy. Though my wife and I incorporate my boy parts into sex play, it is no longer the driving force behind my orgasms. I would say that our sex lives are vastly improved now that I feel better in my own skin.

We have been discussing my decision to get Gender Confirmation Surgery. I now know this next step is important. I love my body a lot now, but imagining feeling complete makes me the happiest girl in the world. I look forward to being able to be fully congruent in my own body. I am so glad I am on the right path. Transition has had its downs, but oh boy has it had its ups. To be able to say I love my body shows me how far I have come.

Published by

Alyson

Queer Pop Culture Junkie in the Northwest. Addicted to Coffee, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fantasy Sports, The Mountain Goats, and Tottenham Hotspur.

One thought on “Loving My Body”

Leave a Reply