I am at that age. The one at which everyone you know is getting married. Right now, I’m attending at least two or three weddings every year, and I’m LOSING MY MIND. There are some things that need to stop very, very soon. And before you say, “Oh, she’s just mad because she’s not getting married, and she’s jealous,” let me say this. I could get married if I wanted to. I am not there yet. Which brings me to:
The Bouquet Toss. Oh, wow! If I catch the flowers you’ve been carrying around all day, I’m the next one married? No, thank you. I do everything within my power to avoid this awful moment. I have planned strategic potty breaks, I have pretended to be too intoxicated to rise from my seat. I have even been seen going up to the bouquet toss, and jumping away from the bouquet when it flies in my direction. (My mother was dying of laughter at this one.) If I wanted to get married, I would. Why, oh why, do you feel the need to make all your single friends vie to be married? This just feeds into the whole “women are wedding crazy” thing, and I KNOW YOU HATE THE BOUQUET TOSS TOO. Why are you making the rest of us do it? Please stop this nonsense.
The Garter Toss. I mean, as long as we’re at it, let’s stop this too. It is Tacky As Fuck. Especially when the groom shoves his whole head under the dress and roots around for a minute and “isn’t allowed to use his hands.” Look! It’s an oral sex joke! In front of Grandma! There is no good way to do this. And on top of that, you’re going to find a scrap of fabric on your new wife’s thigh with your teeth and then are going to throw it to one of your horny bachelor friends who are only still there to see if they can get laid? How does this not strike everyone as super creep factor?
The Dollar Dance. While we’re on the subject of tacky things, can we talk about this? “Pay money to dance with the bride and groom!” I guess this was pretty okay back in the day when people got married really young and had nothing, but now? Most people don’t get married until their mid-to-late twenties at least, have steady jobs, two dogs, a Keurig, and often are already cohabitating. You’ve already asked your guests to bring you a nice gift to help you start your new life, and now you’re asking for money? Ick.
The Father/Daughter Dance, Mother/Son Dance, Newlywed Dance, Cake Cutting, Toasts, etc. I love wedding events as much as the next person, but can you just pick a couple and move on? When you insist on doing Every Tradition Ever right in a row, I spend half my evening in the chair clapping halfheartedly. And by the time you’re ready to have a party, I’m ready to have a nap because I’m bored out of my skull. Not to mention that fitting all of them in takes a good hour of your reception. The thing about these traditions is nobody really cares about them except you and maybe five other people. And that’s fine. But at least space them out so that when it’s time to clear the dance floor yet AGAIN, I can go get a drink while you have your special moment. It’s just courtesy.
Endless pictures after the ceremony. I hate this. Everyone hates this. I understand that this is a special day and you want to remember it forever and have great pictures. But I have been at weddings where the reception is “immediately to follow” except that the bride and groom forgot to plan for the two hours of pictures you plan to take. And there’s really not much of a reception without the wedding party. Please decide which pictures you want to take in advance and notify your photographer and anyone who is supposed to be in them. Or be honest with everyone about the amount of time you want to spend on pictures and give an option to out-of-town guests so that they have a place to go between the wedding and reception. I know it’s your “special day,” but when throwing a party, you have a duty to see to your guests’ comfort, not just treat them like a ceremony backdrop.
The “Special Day” Thing. Cut the crap. You are not a princess. You are getting married. Any adult (and in Indiana, pregnant minors!) can get married.* It is one day of your life. And if this is supposed to be the “best day ever,” you better hope you don’t live very long, because the next 50-70 years are going to be awfully boring. Especially when you alienate all your friends with the Bride-zilla act.
Yes. I’m bitter. But I’m probably going to have to do this for the rest of my life, and the wedding industry has already ruined “Single Ladies.” Please, future wedded people of America, do this for me. Do it for all of us.
*I know. Maybe not to the person you want to marry, depending on who you are, where you live, and your sexual preferences. But if anything shows how average getting married really is, it’s the fact that marriage isn’t actually about feelings, it’s about property law!