Sigh. Tacky Jeffrey is still with us on Project Runway All Stars, kittens. I look forward to this week’s tasteless offering from him, as well as his bullshit explanation of why we should all take his wretched artistic expressions seriously. Jeez — it’s like junior college art class all over again, except the stank of patchouli isn’t burning my nostrils.
There are eight twitching designers left! This episode, they had a challenge made in cross-promotional heaven, for they were to design modern romantic outfits inspired by the 1930s…oh, and Lifetime’s new miniseries, Bonnie and Clyde, coming soon to a TV near you! The designers teamed up, just like Bonnie and Clyde did. They were to design one male and one female look, just like Bonnie and Clyde’s genders. Also, they were each given one bank to rob, just like…I’m kidding, of course. Nobody robbed any banks. Although, Elena looked awfully shifty…
The teams were Christopher and Viktor, Seth Aaron and Tacky Jeffrey, Irina and Mychael, and Elena and Korto. The 30s are one of my favorite decades — it’s all bias cuts and snazzy style, and is a period that looks great on many kinds of bodies. Not that we would get to see different bodies — hahahahaha! Models are the only real people in the world, even underground mole rats like me know that.
Tacky Jeffrey started designing some no-button, long, military-style overcoat thing, which looked nothing even remotely like the snappy silhouette of menswear of the 30s. He was worried that Seth Aaron’s sketch of a delightful wool ladies’ suit that actually appeared to be inspired by the 30s wouldn’t match his ugly thing. Ugh. (Sorry if you spend the next hour gawking at amazing 30s fashions. Like I just did.) Of Tacky Jeffrey’s design, Christopher said, “Alyssa told us glamor, dapper — not evil villain with a white cat.”
Not-Tim breezed into the workroom to give everyone advice. Yes, it’s the fifth episode, and I’m still calling Zanna Not-Tim, and that is because she has not sufficiently inspired me to do otherwise. Come on, Not-Tim! Give me a catchphrase for fuck’s sake — something to work with!
Korto explained to Not-Tim that she was giving Elena her own calm through osmosis. I imagine that Korto improves the chill and awesomeness factors of any given room by up to 65%. And Elena was much less irritating this episode, so yay.
Christopher was having massive fabric problems. He chose this chiffon-like stuff for his dress, and at first cut it on the bias, though it seemed the fabric was too airy to handle well in this design. Next, he added a back zipper, which puckered and warped — again, because of the fabric being much too light to handle it. I really wonder at his lack of being able to choose the correct fabric for the correct job. That’s Sewing 101. It ended up beautiful (and hand-sewn), but you sort of wondered how?
The winner would get to be the fashion designer for a Lifetime original movie event. There’s actually a big difference between costume design and fashion design, so I’m frowning at this pretty hard, but hey, nobody asked me. Likely, they just wanted Alyssa to say the word “Lifetime” one more time on the show. Lifetime.
The first guest judge this week was Austin Scarlett (replacing Georgina Chapman). The good news is that his very ugly mustache was still in full frontal effect. Joining the chic crew were supermodel Bar Refaeli and amazing designer Elie Tahari. Their criteria? Glamor, romance, and rebellion. This is also what I look for in a cat.
Show Us the Clothes, Dollface!
Seth Aaron & Jeffrey
Seth Aaron’s Bonnie looked almost like a steampunk time traveler in a purple suit punctuated with silver chain and black leather details. It was gorgeous. I want to wear it to kick demure ass at that very moment. A blouse of black and white houndstooth peeked above the stand-up collar. It featured a black belt with a pocket watch and chain, and a holster-like detail at the puff-sleeve shoulders. The tulip skirt flared to the knee, and he finished the badass, yet polished, look with black and white patterned tights. “I love this so much I want to kiss you!” Alyssa informed him. Get in line, sister. Elie thought it was overdone, as did Isaac. Bar thought it wasn’t “feminine” enough, and I think Bar is an idiot. What the hell else did she need, a vagina taped to the front?
Tacky Jeffrey was more like Dictator Fashion Jeffrey this week. His long, grey tweed coat (with a black tee underneath) looked exactly like evil villain wear, trimmed in leather and severity as it was. It had a stand-up collar and giant top-stitched pockets that were too low and at the back hip on each side — just a weird place for them. He finished this with black trousers rolled at the ankle and flopping about, and black dress shoes with no socks. I don’t know about you, but I always enjoy high-waders and stinky feet in my glamorous, romantic rebels. Elie liked this menswear look the best, and it was, I grudgingly admit, one of the better ones in a horrid field. Isaac called the trousers chic, and loved the coat. Everyone adored these trousers and hey, I kinda get it, but I just did not see how they fit the challenge at all.
Irina & Mychael
Irina’s look was pretty and interesting, but may have been too literal. She constructed a gown with a faux-cross bustier bodice and a long, elegant camel skirt. The bustier featured stripes of bronze and black sequins — the color palette was perfectly 30s. Atop this was a black bomber jacket that fell to the hip. It was way too bulky and featured an enormous faux-fur collar. The model looked as if she was a flying ace/spy taking a break to go to a ballroom. And she threw on a beret-like hat, so she’s French. Or so she wants us to think! The best part? The gorgeous camel trumpet skirt that flowed like a sartorial dream. Isaac liked her project, and Alyssa and Austin adored the dress. Austin, however, was sad that she covered it up with the jacket.
Mychael showed us a waiter from the year 1987, when the major fashion theme was “metallics no man wants to wear except for Elton John.” Seriously, this jacket was made for a bellhop gigolo. It was cut in the uber-now moto style with a shiny, bronze metallic body, and black sleeves and rounded collar of leather. That the model didn’t come with a tray and a martini is a travesty. Mychael paired it with a white collared shirt and black bow tie. The black trousers appeared to have saggy crotch syndrome, and they were rolled at the hem, too. Look, I don’t mind a roll-hem pant, but the last thing they are is glamorous. Isaac applauded his vision, but thought the effect was pedestrian. Alyssa loved the pants, which had patches of quilting up-close that were neato. Elie said the leather and gold were a mish-mash.
Elena & Korto
Elena envisioned a modern Bonnie in black skinny pants. The top was a black leather jacket with, again, a stand-up collar. Elena added a black bed skirt to the bust, which wrapped around the coat like a half-cape/boob curtain. I was not a fan. It did give off a vibe of glamorous rebellion, though, but not romance. Unless your idea of romance is Angelina Jolie shooting a gun at you. I could see that.
Korto’s man escaped from the 1980s to show us his huge-shouldered leather jacket and high-waisted grey skinny trousers. The jacket featured leather stripes and a side-swept sweater collar that appeared to double as a scarf. It was cool, but not my favorite style. The construction appeared to be amazeballs, though. His black, high-top sneakers I could have done without. His lower half contained no romance, only a cast-off costume from Newsies. Elena and Korto were both safe.
Christopher & Viktor
Christopher made my second favorite look of the night — a floaty burgundy evening gown. The bodice was sexy as hell — a halter coming to a wide, deep vee that hung from her breasts like sex. The halter was created with a tan, leather belt connected to leather edging all along the upper bodice on the outside. It joined together at the base of the neck in a T strap down the otherwise naked back. The skirt was almost completely sheer, save for a mini-slip to cover her important whatnots, and a matching strip at the feet, which was really different. Finishing it off was a gorgeous peplum that flared below the leather belt. I loooooooved this dress. Elegant, romantic, rebellious, modern — yes! Isaac called the dress “killer.” Elie thought the non-sheer panels of the skirt would be a great way to hide a gun.
Viktor. No. Oh, no. He gave us Clark Gable meets Rhinestone Cowboy, and it was awful. His double-breasted navy suit came to a wide vee at the neck (like Christopher’s dress), but it just plain looked weird with all that white shirt sticking out. The black leather harness-ey neckline was very feminine, which is a look that lots of folks would dig, but it didn’t work at all for me because it was executed too awkwardly. There was a plaid bow tie and brass buttons…both bad choices. But the worst was the back of the coat. FRINGE. No, really — rows of swaying blue fringe. When I look at an outfit and think “Liberace!” then it’s automatically not elegant, or any of the rest of this episode’s goals. Isaac said the balance was way off, but the trousers fit well. Austin thought the fringe took away elegance, which is smart because it agrees with me.
The Low Down
Tacky Jeffrey won this challenge! And I officially pity the director and actors/actresses involved in whatever Lifetime movie he’s costuming. Hope you like your vadge hanging out, Lindsay Lohan.
Unsurprisingly, Viktor and Mychael had the lowest scores. And, much to my chagrin, Mychael was sent packing. Boooooo, crap! I am angrypants! Are you angrypants?!
Persephoneers, please weigh in. Are rolled up man pants elegant?