Movies are a pretty huge Christmas staple in our family, mostly because it’s the best way to get everyone to stop bickering and to generally enjoy each other’s company for extended periods of time. Growing up, my brother and I watched hours upon hours of TBS’s A Christmas Story marathon, a feat that is significantly easier to accomplish now that we’re older and we can drink coffee. However, this isn’t about the fun nostalgic moments of family togetherness around a beloved holiday classic. This is about those other movies that should become classics for all the wrong reasons.
Last week, I mentioned how much I love terrible holiday movies of the ABC Family ilk. Last night, I revisited one of them because I was informed by a coworker that it was on Netflix Instant. When you’re doing laundry at midnight, that’s exactly what you need to hear.
For those who need a basic plot introduction to the wondrous ABC Family movie, Snowglobe, the story follows sad 25-year-old spinster single lady Angela, played by Christina Milian, who loves and idealizes Christmas way too much to be considered healthy and contends with the machinations of her loud, over-involved family who just want to see her happy (read: married). She is hand-delivered a snow globe by possibly the politest, most patient delivery worker in all of New York City, that somehow allows her to enter a magic world of Christmas. From here, she meets her Christmas dream man in the snow globe, a new possible suitor in the guy in her building, and learns about love and family and Christmas.
I highly suggest everyone watch this movie, because it is so amazingly ill-concieved and confusingly bad, it’s magic.
Here are some question I had about the movie Snowglobe, and about these types of Christmas movies in general.
- Was this movie designed around the goal of writing a movie with only expositional dialogue? (Example: “Uncle Donny!” “He’s your Uncle!” “It was your sister’s baby shower!” “Don’t talk to your sister that way!” “I’m your mother!” “Some building manager, you are!”)
- How many ABC Family executives think that women beyond 25 are doomed to die alone? Why 25? Are mid-twenties that safe middle-ground between “she’s young and carefree” and “responsible adult that still can be desirable to straight men?”
- How many single women watch this and say, “yes this is what my life is, I just want to find love and magic and I will quite literally use the latter to find the former if I have to because I cannot be 26 and single, I will DIE”?
- How many of these people were under contract from previous ABC Family projects?
- How many lasagna jokes are too many?
- Who would think it’s a good idea to stuff a turkey full of lasagna?
- Why does the poster feature Christina Milian holding a snow globe, while inside of a snow globe?
- Isn’t it kind of creepy that her family is always over, and using the dad’s role as building manager as a way to completely violate her privacy?
- Does her father even work? Her building manager dad seems pretty incompetent if someone’s toilet is broken and the elevator can only be accessed from the second floor and up.
- Applying to a NYC apartment is hard, I know, but who is submitting their dating history as part of their apartment application? How many clueless men are there?
- Do we every really understand how she gets into the snow globe?
- What kind of oddly specific magic has created a world in a snow globe?
- Are all of the things she sees in the snow globe just automatically in there? Is this a Tardis, bigger on the inside, situation? What kind of physics allow for a self-contained world within the snow globe?
- Don’t most adults at some point make peace with the fact that Christmas and family togetherness is never really like a fairytale and more like, “hey do you want to go to the mall with me at 10 p.m. on Christmas eve because I forgot to buy mom a gift, also can you lend me money to buy mom a gift?” How emotionally immature is Angela really? She’s being smothered by her parents, so I guess, pretty immature.
- Do people ever roast geese? I thought ham was a more traditional Christmas meal.
- Why doesn’t Angela really consider the guy down the hall as a viable suitor? She’s a single girl living in Brooklyn, meeting an attractive guy in her building who doesn’t seem too creepy and is also holding a pizza. Worst case scenario, you have someone to water your plants if you’re out of town.
- How do the snow globe people get out of the snow globe and seem to not completely be freaked out by most things? Clock radios and TVs are blowing their minds, but in the montage through Times Square, snow globe resident Douglas seemed to be okay with everything? I freak out if I have to walk through Times Square, and I wasn’t raised in a snow globe.
- Who is eating a cart hot dog for funsies, and not for “oh god I have five minutes between things and I am starving and I only have $2 and there is nothing around me, I guess I’ll eat a cart hot dog because there are no halal carts around.”
- WHO EATS A BAGEL WITH LASAGNA?
- Does anyone else miss The Middleman?
- When the snow globe people are running around Brooklyn, how do people just generally accept it? They pretty much say, I’m not going to question it, but okay. Who doesn’t have questions?
- Does Christina Milian still make music? A few weeks ago, I had “AM to PM” stuck in my head for a week.
- Why are you not watching this movie right now?