Sally Draper is growing up, on Lifetime TV. Meet us right here at 8pm, when the magic starts happening.
Thanks for joining in, this was so much fun.
Giving us excuses for drunk liveblogging. Bless them.
Murder, incest, and lady ads.
Nice closing shot!
Yep, Lizzie is totally on for next Saturday. I’ll put it on the schedule right now.
Lifetime TV: Brightening your winter, with murder and incest.
I hope so!
So next week for Lizzie Borden?
Nice ending, Lifetime!
Where were your antiquated gender roles when you made your sister carry Carrie down the rope?
There’s not enough therapy to fix that shit.
FORESHADOWING the sequel.
Whoa! Gramma Golem!
FEATHER DUSTER SCENE.
You wouldn’t get much for that ring.
There’s a local car dealership ad on right now, and it’s even more inconceivable than most local dealer ads.
Periods! Menopause! Shoes! Cleaning while dressed business casual!
Wait, you weren’t?
Old people pains! Drink!
We should have been drinking with every stereotypical lady ad.
Yeast infection! Drink!
Lifetime clearly does not want me to get things done.
“Xeljanz” worst name for a drug, or second worst name for a drug?
OK House of Secrets looks awesomebad.
And Cathy has the grace not to be all “I told you so, dumbass.”
Also at least make up an illness with the right symptoms.
That’s not what pneumonia looks like! You’re not THIS STUPID kids!
Sound a little more distraught could you?
Doin’ it made Cory sick.
You could rule entire kingdoms in Westeros, kids.
They better inherit that money because they’re gonna need it for therapy.
No, not Sarasota. Sarasota is boring!
Children learn mouth kissing from their parents. That’s the lesson we should all learn.
Camp + book compliant = awesome sauce
Why does everyone want to make out with children in this movie??
Needs way more camp.
I need a shower.
I like this Chris better too. Still creepy, but not as dumb.
COVER YOURSELF, WOMAN. FOR I AM CONFUSED, AND UNACCOUNTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS.
Sin does have a distinct odor. It smells different for everyone
A+, Chris. You are way smarter than that other Chris, and hell yeah, Cathy. One candlestick could feed you all for a week.
He’s really going to have some issues with women when he grows up.
Christopher did something right! Though why they can’t just climb the rope down….
Grandma can smell sin, apparently.
CLUB HER WITH THE BIBLE
It was better for my 13 year old self, yeah.
This was better in my 14 year old imagination.
I’ve never been so thankful for commercials. That gave me squicks.
But not for this!
Oops, too late.
No jury would convict.
You can take her! Use that pent-up sexual energy for good, young man!
You’d totally be found innocent
The time is right for murder, Chris! COME ON! You can save them all!
Bambi Had it So Good by Cathy Dollanganger
The TV will never abandon you.
I still want a doughnut.
This is the only time I will ever tell someone to not eat the donuts.
Oh, Gramma Burstyn! You’ve delivered the only warning you could!
Enter the donuts!
Who needs a mom, you have TV!
You married someone who isn’t in your family? Come on, Mom! That’s not what we do!
You are still an awful mother, but that dress is on point!
I’ll save us, Cathy! I’m Oedipal Spiderman.
A drink for my eyes.
Oh, oh, now I need a drink.
They hit us over the head with metaphors around here.
Oh, that’s a metaphor.
Cathy now has a sweet 80s haircut!
I understand you’re at the mercy of your penis, Christopher. Because biology. And I’m pretty.
Or just leave the tar there as kicky new highlights.
I accidentally started something on Twitter with #brotherfucker.
I think it’s funny that this commercial assumes I feed myself better than my pet.
Try this for migraines. Side effects include headaches.
Making those bitches some Botox. Bitches love Botox.
Interesting point: abuse is running downhill in this family. Olivia is angry because Malcolm is a creeper for their daughter, so she takes it out on the kids, since she can’t take it out on Malcolm.
So you thought locking up your teenage kids together was a good idea, especially given your family history?
@stephens even when you’re not locked in the attic with your sexually repressed brother.
It broke my stream.
Oh God, the sex talk. So awkward.
Modern Pastie, For today’s repressed boy.
Is Christopher reading a girlie mag?
STOP KISSING YOUR RELATIVES ON THE MOUTH LIKE THAT, HEATHER GRAHAM.
“Come on kids! It’s not like I threatened your safety or anything!”
Liza’s legs? That’s a little personal, commercial. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIMBS
I WOULD WATCH THE HELL OUT OF THAT. Or we need to whip up a fanfic, STAT.
Lifetime, you have your finger on Pmag’s pulse.
“Flowers in the Attic: Revenge of the Dollangangers”
WHAT? Gabby movie!?!
GABBY DOUGLAS BIOPIC
@amanda Agreed! I was expecting Colleen Moore’s dollhouse level swan bed.
I’m imagining an alternate ending where Christopher and Cathy just take out everyone in a blaze of glory.
Christopher needs some pamphlets.
“Those Feelings Aren’t Right!”
Swan bed did not live up to my expectations.
KILL THEM ALL!
Do the right thing, Christopher! Murder him!
Oh, you know, banged my uncle then locked my kids in the attic. NBD.
That necklace is terrible.
When Selena Talks to Her Television, and Types it Out.
“Remember, kiss your dad square on the lips!”
Olivia, you’re a racist.
Looks are deceiving, Bart.
I can’t wait for Tumblr to gif this.
Shut UP, Christopher.
Hey kids, you can lock your dolls in the attic, just like mommy!
TEACH ME LIFE, ELLEN BURSTYN.
His teeth are whiter than the snow.
That house is the size of my elementary school.
Way to be useful Christopher.
Those side effects and possible complications sound terrifying!
Token menopause vagina ad.
Devil’s spawn and trunks don’t mix.
So dumb he got locked in a trunk. That’s bad DNA for you!
Oh hey, did I not mention that? MY BAD.
Chris, you poor bag of hammers.
I hate you, so I’ll just steal your wardrobe.
Corrine, you are terrible, but your outfit is fab.
The Oedipal subtext is also strong with this one.
Nice tan, bitch.
Burstyn could make a puddle seem deep.
Aw! That’s from the book.
These flowers represent all the love I can give!
How MRAs see feminists: Olivia Foxworth
Awesome. The men are sexual creatures and can’t help it! eye roll.
I feel as though Corrine is a great visual for Cate’s White Feminism post.
I’m liking this Christopher better than the other one, but he’s still terrible.
like really screwed up.
Is that hope in Christopher’s eyes?
I am terrible.
you are perfect…except for some screwed up DNA.
What is a half-uncle, btw? Isn’t that just an uncle?
It needs the closeness to the book with the campiness of the 80s movie
Incest backstory in 3…2…1…
Getting whipped in the back with a willow. NBD.
This is much truer to the book, but I feel like it needs more camp.
All you need to meet the right Christian man is white teeth and a good pad.
Blue liquid or GFTO
I’m laughing at the ladychannel targeted ads for shoes and maxi pads.
Obligatory feminine hygiene product commercial.
I have not watched Project Timway yet.
Wednesday Adams all grown up!
I want to set my DVR for that Lizzie movie NOW but it won’t let me go that far into the future.
I am stoked for this.
I think so. I still haven’t re-read the books yet.
Christina Ricci is LIzzie Borden? This is getting better and better!
Terrified of and a bit in love with Ellyn Burstyn.
In the book, didn’t she get even more whacks?
Officially terrified of Ellyn Burstyn.
devil spawn. drink!
Authentic foundation garments.
I guess even Lifetime has limits?
not nearly as dramatic as picking up a kid by the hair in the original.
perfect metaphor is perfect
The ladder breaking was a metaphor for their poor homogeneous DNA strands.
Rich people really are different.
Have they been keeping children in the attic for centuries?
If anyone in this family knows how to operate a victrola, it’s Christopher.
I am totally into the Lizzie Bordon movie.
Incest babies are to be neither seen nor heard.
An apple a day keeps the devil spawn away.
WE WILL LIVEBLOG THIS LIZZIE.
With commercial break we have a Lizzie Borden movie? Yes please
What is this Lizzie Borden movie???
Commercial break! Everyone get your refills. on.
As much as I love Louise Fletcher, I already know more about Burstyn’s Olivia than I ever learned about hers.
“No going to town on each other”
75 1/2 floors
How many floors are in this house?
Ellen Burstyn, my new patronus.
Kiss all right goodbye, just like Uncle Dad.
WRONG…EVERYTHING WILL NOT BE ALRIGHT
They’re ALL great coats. Good thing the bank didn’t repossess them!
That is a great coat.
because apparently that’s a thing
“We’ll be happy wherever we can feel creepily attracted to our blood relatives.”
“And one more thing, your father is your great uncle.”
“You were hatched, kids.”
I want to change my mailing address to MacIntosh Hall.
“Doesn’t everyone love their mother?”
Some more than others
Foreshadowing! Your mom sucks, Cathy!
I am totally in love with the 50s sets/costumes.
but creepily looks like the actor who played Chris in the original
Damn these people are creepy and blonde.
Wow, try a little harder, Mom.
at least the actor playing christopher doesn’t look 30
I will never not love Heather Graham.
The line is strong!
Spoiler: That’s not dad.
I like that it’s set in the 50s so much more
No, he’s SUPER DEAD, Christopher!
But A+ on the effective use of gingham and taffeta.
it’s always a drinking game
Every thing about this is a drinking game.
Wait, is this a drinking game, too?
gross making out in front of kids
Drink for the Woody Wagon!
I like using Young Cathy as the narrator, as well.
See, this looks much more Virginian the the 1987 house.
Here we go kids!
I’m READY!!!!!!!! Bring on the disturbing dysfunctionality! Does everyone have their powdered donuts ready?
I feel as though I should have recorded “The Preacher’s Mistress.”