This week’s American Horror Story keeps trying to make Violent/Tate 2.0 happen. It’s not going to happen.
We begin in 1830s New Orleans as Madame LaLaurie and her family move into their new home fresh from Paris. LaLaurie is none too pleased to be in “this shithole.” But, after killing a chicken and getting a taste for blood and, later, “helping” a slave who has gashed his leg, she finds a new hobby in mutilating her slaves. Because I guess the next logical step after slaughtering a chicken is slaughtering people. I suppose when you don’t really consider those people to be people, that might happen.
After the credits we rejoin the coven in the present as they say goodbye to Nan. Fiona, Marie, and Madison all mumble around what happened to Nan and Misty before they take their leave. They’re surprised by the return of Queenie who strolls up with an angry LaLaurie on a leash.
Queenie tells Marie to cram it because Marie left her for dead. Then, LaLaurie spits in Marie’s face and tells her to cram it. Marie slaps her back and tells her to cram it. Fiona finally jumps in and tells everyone to cram it because they need to work on protecting the coven from their real enemies.
We briefly visit Horrible Hank’s dad who wants to set up a meeting with the coven, trick them into undoing their spell that ruined the Delphi Corporation’s finances, then kill them all. I’m sure that plan will go about as well as we all expect.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, LaLaurie waxes maudlin about her lot in life as the school maid and her mistreatment over a montage of said mistreatment. We learn that she displayed sociopathic, serial killer traits early on in life and found her true purpose when she could actually start murdering real people. Toward the end of this montage, an injured, Black handyman hangs out in the kitchen, and she volunteers to patch him up. No one finds this suspicious, and they are totally cool leaving her alone with him because of… reasons, I guess. Of course, she promptly strings him up in the attic and butchers him, as you do. I’m so over the gratuitous torture and murder of Black folk at the hands of white people this season, but whatever.
Meanwhile, Zoe and Kyle realize that Fiona and Marie murdered Nan and try to make Madison care. Madison, of course, couldn’t give less of a shit. And, because I couldn’t give less of a shit my damn self about their boring love triangle, all I’m going to say is they fight over Kyle and Myrtle is unimpressed. The end.
Somewhere else in town, Fiona snuggles up with the Axeman, and they declare, again, some more, that Fiona needs to kill the rising Supreme. She agrees and asks him for a favor. Is the favor murder? Because I’ll bet the favor is murder.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, Cordelia chats with a very unimpressed Queenie who basically tells her that she’s weak and to go fuck herself. A very sad but determined Cordelia then decides to gouge out her own eyes to regain her third eye. Fiona seems distraught (lady, weren’t you willing to cripple her for your own gain literally last week?). Myrtle ain’t buying it, but she urges Fiona to go ahead and visit Cordelia and “lay motherly hands on her.” Of course, Fiona demures and leaves because she doesn’t want Cordelia to know that she murdered Nan.
In the attic, Spalding the Friendly Ghost convinces LaLaurie that he has a potion to strip Marie of her immortality if LaLaurie finds him a very rare and special doll for his collection. She gives him the doll and he gives her Benadryl. Spalding, you sneaky dickens.
In the basement, Myrtle plays her theremin and urges Zoe to flee with Kyle before she’s murdered because of true love or something. She gives Zoe a couple of tickets before sending her on her way. Kyle resists leaving at first because he’s a monster and blah blah blah. No one cares. They do eventually leave.
We rejoin my queens, Marie and Fiona, as they meet with the heads of the Delphi Corporation. The Delphi folk express surprise that Marie and Fiona have come unarmed.
They negotiate and threaten each other for a while before, finally, Fiona and Marie lock the doors and the server turns around to reveal himself as the Axeman. As his moniker implies, he begins axing down everyone in sight but saves Hank’s dad for Fiona who gets him right in the throat. Marie records it all on her phone and laughs that it was all too easy to kill them before they beat it out of there.
We return to Miss Robichaux’s where Fiona excuses herself for a booty call while LaLaurie tries her “potion” on Marie before stabbing her with a giant kitchen knife. Marie laughs in her face before giving chase to end LaLaurie once and for all. Spalding comes to the rescue and knocks Marie out cold before suggesting that LaLaurie buries her. Spalding then retires to the attic where he’s kidnapped the baby that Marie originally planned to give to Legba. He’s decided to treat the baby as a living doll because he’s a relentless creep.
We end with Zoe and Kyle leaving for Orlando on a bus. Sigh.
Next week: Misty’s back; Zoe’s back; the girls begin to perform the seven wonders; and the Axeman seeks bloody revenge for something or another.