In this week’s American Horror Story, ding dong, the witch is dead, and I’ve pretty much stopped caring.
[Please see stegawhoreusrex’s post for a complete list of triggers and warnings for this episode.]
We begin by finally learning what Seven Wonders a witch must perform in order to cement her place as the Supreme of the Salem line coven. Those are: telekinesis, concilium (mind control), transmutation (teleportation), divination, vitalum vitalis (giving and taking life), descensum, (moving between the living and sprit realms), and pyrokinesis. Some old-timey Salem witches perform the Seven Wonders over an old-timey, grainy, pre-talkie era montage before we cut to Fiona who’s explaining the wonders to a nonplussed Queenie.
Queenie is more interested in what’s happened to Marie Laveau, but Fiona couldn’t care any less. When Fiona makes a (racist) comment about Marie gallivanting around with Papa Legaboboo, Queenie (rightfully) tells her to show some freakin’ respect. Fiona reacts by telekinetically choking Queenie and agreeing that lack of respect is certainly a problem at Miss Robichaux’s. She releases Queenie and tells her, with no small amount of foreboding, that Queenie will perform the Seven Wonders soon or die trying.
Upstairs, Cordelia tries out her third eye on Madison in order to find Misty. After zipping around the room to dodge her, Madison finally allows Cordelia to lay hands on her. Only, oops, nothing happens. Cordelia seems devastated that she ripped out her eyes for nothing while I want to punch Madison in her smug face.
Elsewhere, Queenie tries her hand at descensum and takes a little visit to hell to speak with Papa Legba. We find out that everyone has their own personal hell, and Queenie’s hell is when she worked at a fast food chicken shack where she was treated like trash. We also learn that people can share mutual hells when, hilariously, a man is kicked to the back of the line for his rudeness. Turns out his personal hell is always smelling the delicious food but never being able to eat any. Monstrous! Queenie asks after Marie, but Legba warns her to return to her body before nightfall lest she become stuck in hell. Queenie heeds him and returns to her bedroom at Miss Robichaux’s.
In the world of the living, Legba is impressed with Queenie’s power. She notices and wants a favor from Legba: to be able to kill Madame LaLaurie. Legba says no dice because as long as Marie Laveau is immortal so shall be LaLaurie. He and Marie have a deal. Queenie puts on her negotiation hat and, over two steaming cups of cocoa with marshmallows (that is not a joke) reasons that Marie can no longer fulfill her end of the bargain. You see, LaLaurie cut Marie up into little pieces and spread those pieces all over the city. Queenie persuades Legba (after adding a little more marshmallow to his cocoa), and so he releases Marie from her contract so that Queenie may release LaLaurie from her mortal coil.
Meanwhile, LaLaurie has murdered the old tour guide at her New Orleans mansion and taken over as the new tour guide and with a brand new look. It takes Queenie no time to find her, and Queenie says she’ll give the Madame a second chance if she repents. It’s difficult to tell if Queenie is being facetious and just trying to get some remorse out of LaLaurie before she kills her. In any case, LaLaurie remains entirely unrepentant, and Queenie dispatches of her in the bloodiest and most satisfying way possible. LaLaurie cries that she doesn’t want to die right before she expires in her own attic of horrors. It’s fitting but annoying because why did Marie have to die in order to take out LaLaurie? What even was the point of LaLaurie?
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, Fiona has her portrait painted to be hung alongside the other former Supremes. She knows she’s going to die soon, so she also makes peace with Cordelia by passing on a family heirloom. Only, surprise, when Fiona touches Cordelia, Cordelia can now see with her third eye and sees that Fiona is still planning on murdering the entire coven, including her daughter, and taking off to parts unknown. Cordelia plays it cool, but she immediately heads over to the Axeman’s to tell him that Fiona’s played him for a fool and will most definitely leave him in the dust when she has her full power back. He seems stricken.
Cordelia then uses some of Misty’s things to figure out that she’s been entombed at a cemetery across town. She and Queenie mount a rescue mission and bust Misty out of her cement prison. Queenie demonstrates the power of vitalum vitalis by breathing life back into a very dead Misty. Misty and Co. head back to the school.
We hop back over to Miss Robichaux’s where Zoe and Kyle have returned. YAWN. Kyle killed someone. Zoe brought him back. She decided to embrace her powers. Madison is jelly. The end. Just as Myrtle bemoans Zoe’s return, Misty, Cordelia, and Queenie return. And, Misty proceeds to beat the goddamn tar out of Madison. I mean, she just kicks the shit out of her. Myrtle and Cordelia are, hilariously, completely unimpressed but do not get involved.
Unfortunately for him, the Axeman interrupts their “vulgar fisticuffs” with a blood-spattered ax. Madison tells him that he came to the wrong house and the coven quickly incapacitates him. Cordelia touches the blood and realizes that it’s her mother’s. Fiona visited him earlier, and he was so angry about her betrayal of him that he cut her to pieces and threw her into the swamp. Cue Misty, “Even I can’t bring someone back once they’re gator shit.” Kyle steps in to kill him, but the women roll their eyes and insist they don’t need a man’s protection right before they cut the Axeman to pieces.
We briefly return to LaLaurie’s mansion where she’s placed in a cage in her attic while her daughters are locked in adjacent cages. They’re all some form of mutilated except her favorite daughter. LaLaurie cries and wails that it’s torture that she can be so close to her daughter but be unable to touch and comfort her. As her daughter begs for something to drink, out of the darkness comes Marie Laveau who produces a hot poker and tells LaLaurie it’s her choice whether it goes down her daughter’s throat or up her behind. Suddenly, Marie snaps out of it and says that she doesn’t want to torture an innocent girl. Of course, Legba shows up and says that it’s her eternal punishment for all of the babies that she sacrificed to him for her immortality. Yes, she and LaLaurie are destined to share hellish eternity together. Because they’re both equally awful people? Really, show? What the fuck ever.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, the coven fondly remembers Fiona for about two seconds before Cordelia cuts the shit and says that Fiona was a powerful but shitty and selfish Supreme who didn’t even identify her successor before she died.
Now, it’s up to them to identify their Supreme by performing the Seven Wonders. At dawn on Saturday, all of the girls will be tested. DUN.
Next week: Something about Zoe and Madison and Kyle. I don’t care. Just bring on the next Supreme.