Ladyguide: There is No Vodka in a Martini

To whom it may concern, by which I mean anyone who makes drinks or drinks drinks.

Martinis, do not, under any circumstances, contain any of the following ingredients:

  1. Vodka, for the love of everything holy.
  2. Especially vodka that is the equivalent of a liquid scratch-and-sniff sticker, or, worse, Schnapps.
  3. Chocolate sauce. Caramel sauce. Marshmallow fluff. This is not Dairy Queen.

All of these things have a place. Even in alcohol-based drinks. That place is not in a martini.

A martini is good gin, although shitty gin is okay if that’s all you have, the tiniest whisper of vermouth, and an olive or an onion, if you’re dirty. (Rawr.) I fall on the stir-instead-of-shake side of things (shaking melts the ice more than a gentle stir), but I won’t fault you for shaking if you’re shaking actual gin.

I see you there, vodka martini lovers, and I know the arguments you are preparing to make, but you’re wrong. You too, froufy “martini” lovers. There’s nothing at all wrong with froufy drinks, but don’t call them martinis.

The image below, from the menu of a local place, reads “Salted Caramel Martini – Captain Morgan, DeKuyper Butterscotch Schnapps, half-n-half, simple syrup, chocolate and caramel sauces. $9”

A snippet from a menu reads "Salted Caramel Martini"
Not a martini.

If you love Auntie Selena, and I know you do, you will keep the bullshit out of your martinis.

 

*A version of this post appeared on my KinjaBlog!® The bloggging software of tomorrow.

Published by

[E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

25 thoughts on “Ladyguide: There is No Vodka in a Martini”

  1. Sorry. I’m a vodka girl. Extra dirty. I promise to call it a cocktail in martini glass to appease the Unicorn Goddesses (and because I respect PileOfMonkeys lots and lots).

    HOWEVER…. I will be the first to tell any establishment that putting a drink in a martini glass does NOT make it a martini.

    (unfortunately at a bar I’ll have to say “dirty vodka martini” to get what I actually want… maybe say “dirty vodka martini that’s really a cocktail in a martini glass”)

  2. Vodka is only ever acceptable with tonic and lime. Its holiness is wasted in “cocktails” of any kind. (And if you ask me again in a few months’ time, I’ll tell you that vodka should not be mixed with anything at all.)

    VODKA!

  3. I have a confession to make:

    I HATE gin. I think it tastes like battery acid and I’m talking about the good kind.

    This is why I don’t drink martinis and stick to whiskey. Maybe I should do a blog post on how you should only drink whiskey neat.

    1. It seems like gin is a love it or hate it type liquor. I don’t know why I love it, but I do. Whiskey, on the other hand, I’m only okay with if it’s something like Jameson, but it’s really not my favorite after the Great Cheap Whiskey Hangover of 2003.

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