The Lady Miss’s Weekly Horoscope for Bookish and Clever People

Gather ’round, children, for it’s time again to read the stars, seek answers in your cards, and let the things which we do not know be known. So count your cards and lay down the bones. It’s time to come together to seek out the potential in what comes next. We are here to find out what lies ahead and celebrate the future untold.


An image of a clip art ram that reads "Aries"
March 21 to April 19

Ever heard of the Pillars of Creation, my sweet Aries? Exactly as they sound, the pillars of creation are the elephant trunks of interstellar gas and dust located in the Eagle Nebula, which are located at a mere 7,000 light years from Earth. A beautiful collection of stars both being created and actively dying, the pillars of creation serve as quite the contradiction. Due to the fact that the pillars are 7,000 light years away, it actually means that when we first saw them, we were actually looking back in time. So while we saw the pillars while creating stars, the truth is, at this moment, which is unseeable to us, the pillars are effectively dying. Space is weird, huh? Aries, I only ask that you let such beautiful, mind-blowing realities into your own life. Let stars both be born and die at the very same time that you truly need them.


An image of a bull that reads "Taurus"
April 20 to May 20

Cannibalism certainly is not something that many would admit or even condone, especially those of the oh-so-proper-Western canon. But Taurus, were you aware that the very populations that condemned cannibalism actually were also quite keen to participate in it? According to Medicinal Cannibalism in Early Modern English Literature and Culture and Mummies, Cannibals and Vampires: The History of Corpse Medicine from the Renaissance to the Victorians, both by acclaimed writer Richard Suggs, Europeans often partook in human fat, blood, bones, for every ailment under the sun. But how were they able to do this and then condemn tribes in New Guinea? Oh sweet pea, what they did was for medicine! Not for just doing. See how circular logic works? You can excuse almost anything you do, and yet condemn the very same thing in another. Taurus, I am not suggesting you are guilty of this, no, but that in the coming week, it may be very easy to fall into such thinking. Tread gently into the comparisons of what you do versus what others do. It really isn’t all that far apart.


May 21 – June 20

Do you know of the Boötes, dear Gemini? Located in the northern sky, between 0° and +60° declination, and 13 and 16 hours of right ascension on the celestial sphere, Boötes is the plowman constellation, a symbol of hard work, field toiling, and the time of planting. However, there is no real definition of who this constellation is or was. Homer used Boötes as celestial reference point for navigation in The Odyssey. Another version cites Boötes as the son of Demeter and Philomenus, the twin brother of Plutus, and a ploughman who drove the oxen in the constellation Ursa Major. Perhaps it’s best to never know the true history behind Boötes, but to bask in the fact that it’s beautiful in that unknown. When you look up into the sky and see it reigning supreme across the night, it can serve as a reminder that all things you wish to know? Sometimes aren’t worth always knowing. Challenge yourself to remain uncomfortable in the unknown.


An image of a clip art crab which reads "Cancer"
June 21 to July 22

A treatise for you, my dear Cancer.

And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass

That, my sweet crustacean, was by the innumerable Ezra Pound, a man dedicated to what he thought was justice and truth. What’s funny though, is that Pound was so outraged by World War I, and what he felt was the war on usury and international capitalism, that in protest, he moved to Italy to support Hitler and Mussolini. Yes, the writer who preached the fullness of life, working against tyranny and oppression? Supported two of the largest offenders of both. And yet, that lovely quite remains. Cancer, there are two lessons here for you. 1. Life moves so very quickly, so very subtly. 2. Life is not made of easy answers, nor things which always completely align in moral direction. Choose how to navigate this oh-so-wisely.


An image of a clip art lion which reads "Leo"
July 23 to August 22

Ever heard of the Droitwich Spa Junction? No? Well, my dear Leo, I will tell you all you need to know. The Droitwich Spa Junction is a railway junction located 250 metres (800 ft) north-east of Droitwich Spa railway station, in the town of Droitwich Spa,Worcestershire, England. The junction sees the Birmingham to Worcester via Bromsgrove Line branch off from the main line — the Birmingham to Worcester via Kidderminster Line. Part of this line is a surviving section of the Oxford-Worcester-Wolverhampton Line. Droitwich Spa signal box controls the junction and is located between the diverging lines. The whole of the junction is controlled by semaphore signals from the British Rail Western Region era. So Leo, what is it that you can tell me about Droitwich? What are the nitty-gritty details, the things that make Droitwich a special marked place, worthy of praise and acclaim? I ask because this week, you will have to do the same with hard data that tells you nothing and everything. Finding the good in all such info and all such nothing is a challenge, but certainly nothing you aren’t used to. Go forth, Leo. Find it.


A person sits on the ground holding up a flower; the caption reads "Virgo"
August 23 to September 22

Earlier last week, artists Ward Shelley and Alex Schweder lived and worked for ten days in a giant hamster wheel, as part of an art project called In Orbit. From their statement:

Their furniture and living spaces were spread evenly around the wheel’s inner and outer portions, so both men had access to a bed, chair, kitchen and bathroom while they balanced on the wheel. But in order to turn the wheel and get to any of those areas, they had to communicate with the other. It was, ultimately, an exercise in connectedness.

Virgo, pray tell me, how is your own hamster wheel going to be turning this week? How will you deal with the ins and outs, the fine line between connectedness and claustrophobia? I suggest taking a lesson from Shelley and Schweder, balancing access and sharing as much as you can. It might make you the better person you’ll hope to be.


September 23 – October 22

Libra, let us talk about Schwann cells. Named after physiologist Theodor Schwann, Schwann cells or neurolemmocytes, are the principal glia (non-neuronal cells that maintain homeostasis) of the peripheral nervous system. These cells are responsible for all neural reactions, forming sheaths along neural pathways, coating them and allowing for proper neural pathway reaction. Basically, these suckers? Are like the WD40 of the nervous system. Libra, how will you provide a similar support to the reactions you’ll be facing later on? Good, bad, right, wrong, either way, you need to find the protective layer that allows for these places of reaction to actually happen. You need to find the outlet for your places of response. Schwann cells might not help you in this case, but you certainly could learn something from them.


A clip art image of a scorpion that reads "Scorpio"
October 23 to November 21

Scorpio, did you ever watch The Living Dolls series? The BBC series was dedicated to the “remarkable behind-the-scenes look at the secretive world of female masking, where men transform themselves into dolls by squeezing into elaborate rubber second skins.” Just take a peek at this clip with Dominique:

Surely, it would be far too easy to just think of this as something silly or perverse, but what is happening here is a plethora of issues from race to class, gender and gender fluidity, and the biggest sticky thorn of all, who you are. I would, instead of viewing such issues from the perspective of a misanthrope, take a big gulp of humanity and see what all these sorts of things are really reaching for: love and acceptance. No sort of masking can ever cover that.


Clip art of the Sagittarius symbol.
November 22 to December 21

A sing song for you, dear Sagittarius:

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out
How to love
How to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you’re in a corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Now you over there
It’s hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love

That sweet poem? Comes from the illustrious Lil’ Wayne, who might not be the poet of your choosing, but still, a poet whose words portray the sticky stuff of love. All I mean to say, dear Sagittarius, is that the sources of where you might think you would find the truest words ever? Aren’t always what you assume. Open your mind to this. Or at least to Weezy.


A clip art image of a goat that reads "Capricorn"
December 22 – January 19

It’s official, Capricorn: 4 out of 4 chefs agree that deep dish pizza? Is not pizza. The survey, conducted by Eater.com, sought the expertise of four renowned chefs: Graham Elliot, David Posey, Mathieu Palombino, and Andrew Zimmern. The results?

“It looks more like a cake than pizza.”

“I wouldn’t dare say, no this is not pizza.”

“I like deep dish. It’s just not pizza.”

You can gather one of two things from this, my sweet Capricorn. Either that the experts agree and that’s that. Or, that the experts can agree, and you can say fuck that. Certainly this is just about deep dish pizza, a trite thing, really. But take this lesson into this week, when you might be tested with something a bit more personal, a bit more of you. Then is when the experts opinion will be of no or all value to you.


A person kneels and empties a bucket of water; the image reads "Aquarius"
January 20 to February 18

Perhaps you should know of the famed Glaucias, dear Aquarius. An Illyrian king of the Taulanti state which headed llyrian affairs in the second half of the 4th century BC, Glaucias is the considerable force needed to assist Cleitus of Dardania, against the other Illyrian prince, Alexander the Great, in the battle of Pelium 335 BC. Surprisingly, both were defeated, and Cleitus was forced to take refuge within the Taulantian territories, whither Alexander did not pursue his head, and Glaucias remains hidden, only offering up asylum to the infant Pyrrus. All of this seems trite, no? Well perhaps this is how our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren of tomorrow will feel about our own famed political members and episodes of politics. It is not to say to never pursue these things, certainly not, but to keep in mind what seems relevant now, versus what we hope is relevant with our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren. The future takes no narrative on what you want — just what is remembered. Tread with that knowledge.


Two fish swim in a circle, and the image reads "Pisces"
February 19 to March 20

Why is it that some of us can recall our dreams with an ease that seems so natural, and yet some of us can’t remember, if it is all we desire? The answer lies in how our brains deal with wakefulness and sensitivity, a process far more about the squeaky chemicals in our brain, rather than our desire:

“High dream recallers” have more activity in the temporo-parietal junction, which the researchers believe may allow the dreamer to focus more attention on external stimuli, promoting intrasleep wakefulness, which means dreams are better embedded into the sleeper’s memory.

Previously, the researchers found high dream recallers have twice as much time of wakefulness during sleep as their low recalling counterparts. Low dream recallers are also far less reactive to auditory stimuli during sleep and wakefulness, suggesting time awake may facilitate the ability to remember dreams.

Which do you fall into, dear Pisces? Dream recallers? Or desiring, wanting dream recallers? Can you find the wakeful sleep you seek? Or are you more embedded in the idea of what happens around you to inform your brain? There is no correct answer, nor one way to go. The only point here? Is just keep dreaming.

ADVISEMENT FOR ALL THE SIGNS THIS WEEK: Ever go to wikiHow, sweet peas? My favorite step-by-step guide site is perhaps proving useful to all this week, whether you need to clean a bathroom with grapefruit and salt, or be exciting, or create a mosaic shower. How to? Someone has that covered for you. Happy searching for the answer to your question of how to.

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