How to Make Friends as an Adult

Making friends as an adult can be tricky. It doesn’t have to be!

A gif of Gollum captioned "Nobody likes you, you don't have any friends."

  • Go to a coffee shop and loudly announce, “Boy, I sure am in the mood to read someone’s secretly-brilliant screenplay. I especially enjoy dark, edgy reading that nobody comprehends because it’s too deep for the sheeple who inhabit this consumerist wasteland of corporate greed. I also adore films about misunderstood dude-bros.”
  • Sneak into parties and tidy up the guests’ coats. People love organization and will reward you with smalltalk, such as, “How the fuck did you get in here?” and “Wait, aren’t you the lady who’s always staring at me from her cubicle decorated with bedazzled panda posters?”
  • Offer free beers from your windowless van in the park.
  • Pick the coolest person in the room and do everything they do. Talk like them. Walk like them. Follow them to work. Get hired by their company. Engage them in a Star Trek-style net and trident battle for ultimate supremacy. When their corpse lays bloody and tangled inside the net, pry out their heart with the trident and eat it in the break room during lunch. Your prowess and subsequent wicked-cool story are sure to attract quite a few new admirers, especially ones who enjoy sci-fi.
  • Volunteer at an animal shelter. You’ll meet lots of dog and cat friends who never tell you that your habit of wearing holiday-themed overalls everywhere you go is off-putting. Seriously, just fuck Tim and his stupid opinions.
  • Put a bra on your head, rev up the Memotech MTX 512, and, using reverse-80s computer magic, insert yourself into an Urban Outfitters catalog. Those crazy kids are always having fun in their underwear.
  • Organize a soirée and invite people. Serve delicious cheeses, fragrant fruits, and the best bottles of wine you can afford. Pop the corks and pour glass after glass of the joyous beverage. Wait graciously for your guests to arrive — fashionably late, of course! Drink a glass of wine while you do this; you want to be festive and full of good cheer when your new friends congregate. Drink a second glass when the hour grows later. Drink a third to swallow the bitterness at these assholes who all say, “Sure, yeah, I’m totes gonna be there!” like lying liars who lie. Grab the bottle and drink it straight from the source, pirate-style. Brandish your sword and wander down the boulevard while swilling your drink and “arrrrggghhh”-ing at passing cars. Find a nice alley or underpass and share your many bottles of wine. This is your family now. Your family of underpass dwellers who actually fucking appreciate your efforts for fucking once!
  • Sit inside a pentagram of salt and light a black candle. If you promise to be wicked enough, Lucifer will totally liven up your Game of Thrones viewing parties, which will, as a consequence of your worshiping the Evil Lord of All That is Unholy, become extremely thematic. You may need to find new attendees every week, though.
  • If you’re a lonely white girl, try being more carefree. Turn cartwheels at the beach. Visit the country of Africa and save some delightful unfortunates. Wear a jaunty hat in a wheat field. Some greasy jerk will find you in no time.
  • Go to the baggage claim of your nearest airport and hold up signs with extremely common last names on them. On your car ride back to town, you and Mr. Johnson or Ms. Smith will become fast friends. And you’ll get tips!
  • Open up a bag of Pizzeria Pretzel Combos in a public place. That shit is delicious, and will attract many a delightful passerby. Of course, some of those many may be pigeons or Scientologists, so bring a bee-keeper’s helmet just in case.
  • Be an asshole. They always seem to succeed.

Published by

Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.

5 thoughts on “How to Make Friends as an Adult”

  1. Umm-I don’t want to save unfortunates in Africa. It’s, like, SO overdone. Even Madonna’s doing it. Can I save unfortunates in China instead? I really like Chinese food, and I read Memoirs of a Geisha once, so I totally get the whole Orient thing.

    *wanders off to find my organic, homemade, sugar-free, supports orphans somewhere bubblegum*

Leave a Reply