Q. How does someone who is accomplished at giving themselves orgasms do it with a partner? Like not let their mind wander off and think of all the ways that they can do a better job of giving the orgasm, instead of focusing on what is happening at the moment? How can one enjoy someone else’s technique?
A. One of my favorite quotes of all time?
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
That comes from the inimitable Mark Twain, a man whose dedication to being lost in a fruitful mind was one of his keys to being fully present in the moment. Seems contradictory, no? Yet what Twain emphasizes is not “mind-wandering” per se, but letting your mind bask in the depths of all that your imagination can bring.
Picking up what I’m putting down?
One of the reasons why you, my sweet one, are so adept at giving orgasms to yourself is that you are completely focused on you. It’s really a moment of acceptable selfishness. Instead of having to think of another person’s pleasure or the way your body looks to them, or one of the thousands of other niggling thoughts that swim through most people’s brain when they are having sex, you are able to completely and undeniably do everything for yourself.
Well, yourself, and your sweet imagination.
Am I getting through to my gist? Yes, my love, that is why orgasms alone are often so good. It might be just you, yes, but it is also you and your imagination. You are free to think, feel, re-enact every single scenario that specifically turns you on. This is why it works so well. This is why it’s so good.
Now when you add another person in there? It’s not that it isn’t good, it’s that you have taken away what drives that completely focused force. Instead of going deep inside your imagination, you start thinking surface level: Am I too fat? Why are they doing that? I hope that feels good. Your brain becomes a hard fast concern troll: one with good intentions, certainly, but one that seems to let “concern” get in the way of actual pleasure.
Your imagination is out of focus, my love.
Take that imagination you reserve for yourself and swell it into your time with your partner. I know, I know. I can hear the concern rattling around in your brain. But wouldn’t imagining be mind-wandering? Hardly. Mind-wandering is wondering what groceries you need to restock and when that bill is due, and oh, is it time for a haircut? Imagination? Is taking that mental Rolodex from your solo sessions and using it with your partner. Maybe out loud, maybe just in your head, but use it. Use it to feed the stuff that gets you to your mighty O. Use it to jump start what is so wonderfully sexy when you are by yourself. Use it, not because it takes away focus from your partner, but because it adds to the moment of what you are doing: Sex, motherfucker. Good sex.
Twain might not have intended his words to be used in such a context. But that’s the thing about imagination — you can’t control it, no matter how hard you try. It’s a force more powerful than anxiety or fear or thinking about when the laundry is done. You, my love, just have to be brave enough to tap into it when it counts.
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