P-Mag’s Pop Culture Horoscope

Feeling confused, lost, or in need of guidance? Look not to the stars in the sky, my friends, but to those on your TV and movie screens, and see which pop culture icon’s path you should follow this week.


Aries (March 21 to April 19)

Screenshot of Harrison Ford as Han Solo from the cantina scene of Star Wars: A New Hope

Aries, this week you may find yourself being asked to do something completely out of character, and, like Han here, you might balk at first. But sometimes it’s worth taking a little bit of a risk; you may find yourself on the adventure of a lifetime. No matter what life throws at you, you’re cool as a badass smuggler kicking back in a cantina full of hostile aliens. And you always shoot first.


 Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Picture of Amy Wong from Futurama

This week, take your inspiration from Amy Wong. You may appear to be a party-loving rich girl from Mars, but your loyalty to your family, whether by birth or chosen, guides your decisions this week. Those who can look past the spoiled, sometimes superficial front you often present to the world will learn that your affection, loyalty, and intelligence are just as much an integral part of you. Invite those closest to you to challenge their surface impressions of you. And when someone gets on your last Kappa Kappa Wong nerve, feel free to tell them they’ve “gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News.”


Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Photograph of Edna Garrett, played by Charlotte Rae, from Facts of Life

You may find yourself as the unlikely authority figure to a bunch of unlikely people this week. Take your cues from Mrs. Garrett and try not to get caught up in any madcap antics. You may find yourself taking a hard line with those who misbehave, but deep down, you’ve got a soft spot for troublemakers, so chances are, you’ll find yourself forgiving those around you and moving on, no matter how much guidance they need.


Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Photograph of Dule Hill as Burton Guster in USA's Psych.

You may feel like a sidekick this week, Cancer, but like Gus here, you’re a person with many talents of your own. Being introduced to strangers as Clementine Woollysocks, Galileo Humpkins, Ovaltine Jenkins, or Methuselah Honeysuckle means you can decide what part of your multifaceted personality you want to show people, or you can completely reinvent yourself with each meeting. And let’s face it, what smooth-talking, super-sniffing, tap-dancing pharmaceutical rep could ever be considered a sidekick? You’re a star all by yourself. You know that’s right.


Leo (July 23 to August 22)

Image of David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth.

Like Jareth here, you are 100% done with almost everyone around you this week. Their incompetence is making things inconvenient for you, their antics are starting to work your last nerve, and frankly, you just want to suspend them all head-first in the Bog of Eternal Stench. But hang in there, Leo. Maybe break out into a musical number or three. While you can rarely make people do what you want, at least you can look fabulous and threatening while you try.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22)

Image of Rinko Kikuchi as Mako Mori in Pacific Rim

People are underestimating you this week, Virgo. It’s time to make like Mako Mori and use that to your advantage. You know how capable and competent you are, now it’s time to make all of the naysayers eat their words as you kick everyone’s asses and then save the world. You might experience a few little hiccups along the way, but in the end, you’ll do what needs to be done, and you’ll do it better than everyone else. Don’t let a little problem like a kaiju throw you off your game; you already have everything you need to triumph. If you need a little extra incentive, just picture Idris Elba telling you how proud of you he is.


Libra (September 23 to October 22)

Screenshot of Shirley MacLaine as Ouiser Boudreaux from Steel Magnolias

Libra, it’s going to be a cranky week for you; there’s no getting around it. Learn from Miss Ouiser here and realize that it’s OK to let yourself be annoyed and aggravated, because deep down, you’re a good person, even if that’s not what happens to be showing on the surface right away. You may need to live up to society’s expectations of you for a while, but you can still do it in your own way. Don’t begrudge yourself a righteous tantrum or two; you need to release that pressure valve so you don’t explode all over the place.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Picture from Kool-Aid commercial of the Kool-Aid Man carrying a pitcher of Kool-Aid and saying, "Oh, yeahhhh"

This is no week to be a shrinking violet, Scorpio. Let the Kool-Aid Man show you how to get everyone’s eyes on you and how to command a room just with your existence. You may not be an anthropomorphized juice pitcher, but that’s no reason to let people forget you’re there. Don’t fade into the background; crash through the wall and remind everyone that you’re here and deserving of their attention.


Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)

Screenshot of Brett Spiner as Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation

Human emotions are hard, am I right, Sagittarius? Sometimes it seems like it would be easier just to be able to turn them off and live life as an android and not have to go through all these pesky emotional highs and lows. But keep in mind that Data here was always trying to obtain what we humans take for granted: the ability to feel things, whether good or bad. So let yourself really feel things this week, and don’t try cutting off your emotions to spare yourself any pain. Be the lieutenant commander of your feelings.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Screenshot of Synergy from the animated series Jem and the Holograms

While “synergy” is one of the most annoying corporate buzzwords around, Synergy is a legitimate badass, and that’s who you should be looking to this week, Capricorn. Like Synergy, you have the ability to project images to those around you, including choosing what others see of you. It’s all about image, and you have total control, even if we’re a little bit behind on the holographic rock star technology. So make like Synergy this week and show the world what you want them to see, keeping in mind that you can keep your real self safe underneath pink hair and some truly outrageous outfits.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Screenshot of Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones from BBC's Doctor Who

You may not have walked the earth, Aquarius, but your stories are important. Like Martha Jones, you can reach people by connecting with their humanity, giving them hope, and, in the process, becoming a little bit of a legend yourself. Trust in your stories and don’t be afraid to tell them. You never know how many people you’ll reach or how your words may change a life, or a planet.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Screenshot of Megan Mullaly as Karen Walker from the TV show Will & Grace

I’m going to avoid the obvious “drink like a fish” joke here, Pisces. I hope you appreciate my restraint. This is one of those weeks where it’s totally OK not to give one single fuck, to embrace the martini (remember, martinis are gin; everything else is a cocktail), and just embrace your inner rich bitch, even if your bank account hasn’t gotten the memo that you’re a rich bitch now. Be unapologetically you this week. Don’t worry about what other people think; it’s OK to be a little selfish and make it all about you for a little while. And remember, in the immortal words of Karen Walker, “Honey, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.”


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[E] Rachel

I punctuate sentences with Oxford commas, and I punctuate disagreements with changesocks. Proud curmudgeon. Get off my lawn.

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