Q. I have a rather boring question: I’m a 20-something virgin who wants to take the plunge and get herself a vibrator but I have no clue what to look out for. Any tips to help there be some rain in this desert?
I’m in the UK and have a couple of unused Amazon vouchers if that gives you any ideas what to suggest.
A. First off sweets, may I say congrats on taking the plunge to self-satisfaction. Masturbation is such a funny little taboo, isn’t it? Especially female masturbation. God, you think the way it gets talked about in such hushed tones, that it was something that was sehr verboten.
But instead of concentrating on that, may I just suggest a little song to keep humming in your brain throughout your plunge?
That’s Stephen Stills’ “Love The One You’re With.” Most people think it’s a desperate type of song, one that encourages settling, as opposed to always looking for “that one” or some “soul mate.” I like to think that it’s about cherishing the everyday moments of love that can blossom between people in the most benign of situations and also about not always following the greener pastures mentality. I also think it’s a pretty great masturbation anthem.
Seriously, listen to those lyrics and tell me that isn’t a little bit about touching yourself. If you can’t be with the one you love (or like or maybe just want to bone), then love the one you are with. No partner? That’s alright. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. You know, you. With a vibrator.
That’s you, boo. Seize it. Touch it. Touch you.
And how can you touch you? Well, since you bring up Amazon, I would like to suggest that while I think having a coupon is great, the options you have? Are a little on the Victorian hidden message side. Like the mini therapy massager, which actually looks strangely close to the Polar Cub vibrator from 1928. I mean, type in sex toy all you want, but Amazon is either going to give you Fifty Shades of Grey themed fuzzy cuffs (why spend money on cuffs when you can use household object like a tie?) or bad bachelorette party style toys that either 1. are probably toxic, 2. probably don’t feel that good, and 3. while potentially cost-effective, more than likely made with cheap materials that will come apart within a year. You, my dear, deserve better. You deserve a marathon of a sex toy, not a 50-yard sprint.
You need to move beyond Amazon. Let go of your coupons.
Let ’em go.
I’d first recommend going to a site that is both legitimate and savvy in what it can offer: Babeland, Smitten Kitten, The Pleasure Chest, hell girly, there are some great shops in your neighborhood of the ole great UK. Now, why do I recommend these shops over say, something like Amazon? It’s not that I consider myself a sex toy snob (well, maybe), but with Amazon, you don’t really know where your toys are coming from or what they are made from. All the stores above? Have great reputations not only for discreet customer service, but for providing a quality sex toy that you are going to want to use time and time again — and not just some run of the mill, whatever kind of general sex toy you are going to pick up for kicks. I mean, specific g-spot, clitoral, anal, whatever it is you want type of specific sex toy. Most of this is because these sex toy shops are founded by and run by women. Most of it is also good business. But either way, I’d strongly encourage you to go to one of the above to get your first toy. They also have really informative blog posts on everything from buying your first toy to stories on how a fish ate a sex toy (no, really).
Ain’t that just handy?
As far as what you should buy, that’s a bit more of a pickle. I’d say start off with something small and not so intimidating, a pink swirly vibrator, maybe shaped as a butterfly or a bunny. There is actually a wealth of resources in our archives from myself and other knowledgeable staff on everything from favorite picks, to first time buys, to homemade sex toys, to reader feedback. The world is your oyster, kid.
So go forth, my love. Go forth and find the vibrator that is like your golden chalice, calling your name from on high. Find the vibe that speaks your name and when you find it, buy that sucker and pay for express shipping to get it to you as fast as you can, because I do not want you to wait a second more to discover the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe.
And like Stills says: Love the one you’re with.
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