Poodles, it’s the week of the rock goddess. Tune your instruments, let’s find out what’s in the stars this week.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
This week is going to have its challenges, Taurus, but, like Ms. Gloria Gaynor, you will survive. At first you’ll be scared, you’ll be petrified. But don’t worry, Taurus, because after all this, you’re going to know who to let walk out that door, and who’s worthy enough to stay.
This week’s activity: Go roller skating.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Unlike poor Taurus, this is your week, Gemini. I see you girl, I watch that scene. I am digging you, dancing queen. There may not be any music, but you’re the belle of the ball. Hold your head high this week, Gemini, even if no one can see your tiara but you.
This week’s activity: Practice your royal wave.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
Yesterday don’t matter, ‘cuz it’s gone, Cancer. Today is the only today you’ll get until tomorrow, you’d better make the most of it. Don’t we all change with each new day?
This week’s activity: Make life less unkind. It’s the only way to be.
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
Oh yes you are, Leo. Take a good look at those tears in your eyes. Then wipe them away, because you’re more lion than any Lannister. I bet you’re wondering how I knew. It’s my job. I write the horoscope.
This week’s activity: Wear something fabulous and plaid.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
Let’s take it nice and easy, Virgo. Your moment is right around the corner, you’d better prepare for it. Pull that silver fringe skirt out of storage, loosen up your hip joints, and clear your throat, you’re about to knock the work down.
This week’s activity: Roll, baby, roll.
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
The clothes you’re wearing? You bought ’em. You know how to get what you want, Libra, and you don’t need anyone else to give it to you. You get down like that. This week may test your patience, but it will forge your strength.
This week’s activity: Let someone else pay the (metaphorical) bills, bills, bills.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
Scorpio, you are an odd, magical bird. You sneer behind your smile, you’ve the face of perfect guile. You leave the scent of your mystery behind you, wherever you go. It smells a little like coffee. Before you sneak out the back door, make sure to leave your mark.
This week’s activity: You need a hat.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
There’s definitely, definitely, definitely no logic to human behavior, and you love it, Sagittarius. You flip your hair at convention. It’s ever so, ever so, ever so satisfying.
This week’s activity: Find a map, find a chair.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
Capricorn, did you make them cry, did you make them break down, did you shatter their illusions of love? Why the hell not? You’ve got the power, it’s not over now, and you know how.
This week’s activity: Gold leaf something.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
You were a willow last night in your dream. You bent down over a clear rolling stream. You hit all the high notes, Aquarius, while your sister plays guitar. Keep it up this week.
This week’s activity: Be a rock goddess.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Pisces, this week is no place for beginners or sensitive hearts. You shadow box and double cross, but you’re smooth, Pisces.
This week’s activity: Sing a torch song.
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
You’ve been thinking of a new sensation, you’re holding out for a good vibration, Aries. You bop, he bops, they bop, we bop.
This week’s activity: Should be clear.
Until next week, poodles. Keep your head up and your bop on.