Lately, I’ve found myself breastfeeding in public more and more. This is clearly a problem for some, as the looks and mutterances I’ve received have made obvious. To clear things up, I want to talk about some of my thought processes while breastfeeding in public.
#1) My number one goal: catch the wandering eyes of creepy men. Do I see a man who looks like he can’t control his own sexual urges and will be driven to infidelity if he sees a centimeter of my flesh? Fantastic!
#2) Breastfeeding covers do nothing but hinder my sexy sexy sexiness, how can I further my reputation as a slut if I use them?
#3) What would be great is if I could find some impressionable young kids and ruin their innocence by letting them see the back of my child’s head against my chest.
#4) I certainly never hold back when I have to defecate or urinate in public, why would I worry about this other bodily function?
#5) I’m actually very, very interested in other women looking at my boobs and judging their worthiness with regards to sexual attraction. If I weren’t, why would I expose them so?
#6) Breastfeeding in public is totally the same as having sex in public, something I have always wanted to do. Thanks, baby!
#7) I could just use a bottle, but thankfully, my baby won’t take a bottle if I am nearby, so phew! Nothing is getting in the way of my penchant for indecency.
#8) I’m a radical feminist pushing my feminism and nipples onto the public eye. Take my nipples, public!
#9) Even though the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until 2, I am going to do it as long as possible (maybe until she’s in college!), as publicly as possible, to force the issue. Because I am selfish. And lewd.
#10) This is one of the only times in my life when I’ll be able to “whip it out” and use the phrase “whip it out” every single day. Because that’s what I’m doing, right? “Whipping it out.” Just like if I were a man and “whipping out” my penis. Gotta take advantage of “whipping it out” while I can.
The only real issue I have with breastfeeding in public is how ineffective it can be at turning strange men on and scandalizing children. I should have thought about that before I had a baby with a huge head, but seriously, if she’d consider moving her head a foot or two to the side, it would really help with my agenda. As it stands, breastfeeding in public shows less skin than wearing a bathing suit in public, or even a low-cut top, and it’s really cramping my style.
P.S. #11) I breastfeed in public because my baby is hungry and that’s how she eats.