Greetings, citizens, from my least favourite country in the world: The Land of Dental Pain. It’s not pretty here. Consider this instead:
A metro derailment in Moscow has killed more than 20 people.
In the UK, David Cameron has announced a major cabinet reshuffle. After the current foreign minister decided to leave politics, a Eurosceptic has been put in his place. Oh joy. The good news for many is the de facto demotion of the evil overlord of education, Michael Gove.
Faced with growing numbers of migrants dying during their attempts to reach the safety of Europe, a couple of philanthropists are launching the first privately funded search-and-rescue operation for migrants in the Mediterranean.
The Costa Concordia, the luxury liner which sunk off the coast of Italy two years ago, is being refloated.
A sausage cartel has been discovered and fined in Germany. Bring on the lame puns.
But, my people now officially rule at everything. Here’s how we should all be more like them. Us. I get confused. And Angela Merkel was doing all my celebrating for me last Sunday, since she wasn’t dying from toothache. I hope she had fun.
That’s it from me. See you next week!