This is it, you guys. The finale. Deep breath.
SIS is coming to investigate following recent events (Taslitz stabbing not-Vee and Vee busting Red’s lead with a lock in a sock). Vee talks about pinning the “slocking” on Suzanne because everyone will believe it because “she’s crazy.” OH NO — YOU DO NOT MESS WITH SUZANNE LIKE THAT. Vee proceeds to threaten Cindy. Here’s hoping that Cindy finds a way to get one over on Vee (who I feel they have turned into a “Joffrey” of this show — whereas the other characters are multi-faceted, Vee is like a Disney villain: all bad, all the time).
Piper is back in SEG for breaking into Caputo’s office, to no one’s shock. Caputo visits her in her cell, and they strike up a deal to take Figaroa down for her embezzlement. Yikes. Fig is having what looks like an epic mental breakdown on the floor of her office, due to the recent revelation that her husband is cheating on her with his male staffer (at this point I’ll remind you all that I predicted that way at the beginning of the season). Caputo takes this opportunity to be a terrible person and more-or-less tell Fig that if she gives him oral sex, he wont turn her in to the Warden. After Fig does so, he informs her that he already gave copies of the file to the Warden. And so we are reminded that Caputo never really cared about the inmates — he just wants to prove that he does a better job than Fig, that he can assert his manly power over her, and that, my friends, is absolutely abhorrent.
Piper’s transfer is cancelled, which means we have to deal with her for another season. GREAT — but on the flip side, Maria Ruiz’s transfer is ALSO cancelled, saving us from more heartbreak. Watching her say good-bye to her little girl was was absolutely gut-wrenching.
In Sophia’s salon, Big Boo is convincing Pennsatucky to get her hair cut short as a ritual to be a part of the Lesbian Agenda. As a card-carrying Lesbian, I can confirm everything Big Boo says is 100% true. Healy pitches a fit that no one, not even Pennsatucky, attended his Safe Place group, and decides to cancel it.
Vee and Suzanne are having a heart-to-heart, and it seems an awful lot like Vee is trying to manipulate Suzanne into thinking that she was the one who beat Red’s face in. Vee thanks Suzanne for being brave and defending her, and I am so angry that I might actually vomit into my tea. HOW. DARE. SHE.
Alex and Piper are meeting to discuss what happened in Chicago at the appeal. Alex tells her that she’s thinking about taking up selling drugs under another drug lord for protection against Kubra — and then she decides to just skip town altogether and make a new life in another state.
At this point, Suzanne is straight up convinced that she attacked Red. Taystee shows up and begs Suzanne to not take the rap for the attack, but Vee told her that Taystee would try and tell her this. Damnit.
In the kitchen, Norma is slicing up an unusual number of apples and setting the seeds aside. Gloria catches on that she’s trying to make arsenic and proves her incredible knowledge of poisons by explaining why it wont work. She then says, “All you had to do was ask.” Aww yes.
Sister and Red are in the medical ward as a host of other nuns show up to support her hunger strike, much to everyone’s surprise, especially Caputo. Seeing as Red lied to SIS, telling them that she didn’t know who hit her, Sister makes a deal with her that she will eat if Red fesses up to SIS and tells them that Vee is the one who beat her up.
SIS is interviewing Suzanne, who tells them, “Vee is the brains, I’m the muscle.” I am screaming at my television – “NO, SUZANNE!” SIS produces Suzanne’s lock as the weapon, which has gone missing from under her mattress. It looks as if there is no way out for her now.
Nicky stole Vee’s heroin and left a creepy ransom-style note. In a blind rage, Vee holds a broken mop handle to Cindy’s throat, proving that her murderous rage truly has no limits.
Red tries to fess up, but Healy won’t bring SIS back in to hear her testimony, which means Suzanne is definitely going down, and Vee will remain free — or as free as you can get in minimum security prison.
In an appointment with her doctor, Rosa finds out that without the surgery that Litchfield won’t pay for, she only has 3-6 weeks to live. :(
During visitation, we see that Maria Ruiz’s partner has ceased being silent and is talking to their baby girl, saying “See, my love? Mommy’s not going far away!” I’m not usually one for cutesy baby scenes, but this sweet moment made even me a little bit weepy.
We also see the triad of irritation: Piper, Larry, and Polly. Apparently, Polly and Larry want her blessing. Why do they care? They obviously only ever think about themselves, which is why they are perfect for each other.
Norma and Gloria chuck some sort of substance on Vee as she passes in the hallway — what could it be?
Back with SIS, Suzanne is telling them that she thought she was mopping in the warehouse at the time of Red’s attack — but sometimes she forgets things. Meanwhile, Healy tracks down Luschek, the pervy electrical guy, to convince him to sign off on a work order that would have placed Suzanne in the warehouse at the time of the attack, absolving her of guilt!
Cindy, Janae, Taystee, and Poussey reconcile their differences and vow to take Vee down for everything she’s done to them. They gang up on Vee and push her out if the group, and proceed to sell her out to the SIS guys — who don’t really care, because they want to go home early. Wow.
In Caputo’s office, Bennet owns up to being the father of Daya’s baby. In a spectacularly horrifying move, Caputo tells him that if he lets news of this slip, he will make sure that Daya is handcuffed to a bed while she gives birth. This is a reminder, for the second time this episode, that Caputo is not a good guy.
In a (maybe misguided) attempt to save Alex, Piper rats on her plan to skip town. Alex’s parole officer shows up at her apartment, and doesn’t find that she’s skipped town, but does find a gun waving in his face. Oops.
Sister breaks her hunger strike, and Caputo tells her what her statement will be to the nuns that showed up to support her, just as the prisoner escape alarm sounds. Vee escaped through the grate in the greenhouse, maybe never to be seen again.
Right at this moment, Rosa and Morello are returning from her doctor’s appointment where she received the bad news. In the chaos, their guard runs toward the prison and the alarm, while Morello tosses Rosa the keys, saying, “Don’t die in here.” Rosa takes off in the van, careening down the road at breakneck pace.
Amazingly, she sees Vee on the side of the road. For a split second I think that she’ll stop to pick her up — but then instead, she slams into Vee, sending her flying over the hood of the car, leaving her dead on the side of the road.
(Or is she dead? Guess we’ll find out next season!)