Break out the ‘nog.
Welcome, holiday pals. As we all know, being forced to spend an entire day locked in with unknown numbers of relatives, distant and close, is trying* no matter how many presents you get out of the deal. If your family is anything like my own, there will be booze flowing freely. So let’s make it interesting.
- You hear the phrase “war on Christmas” or “keep the Christ in Christmas.” (Finish your drink if someone was deeply offended by being wished a “happy holidays.”)
- Someone repeats a line from A Christmas Story, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, or any other heavily-quoted holiday film.
- You see the same scene of A Christmas Story more than once during the 24-hour marathon.
- It’s a Wonderful Life is on TV.
- Miracle on 34th Street is on TV. (Take two drinks if it’s the crappy remake. Finish your drink if it’s the weird colorized version.)
- An elderly male relative falls asleep in front of the TV (finish your drink if he’s snoring).
- The mother of the host starts backseat cooking.
- You have to hear about the evils of Obamacare.
- Something something immigrants are taking our jobs something something.
- Someone says something racist. (Finish your drink if you hear “those people,” “thug,” “this isn’t about race,” or “ALL lives matter.”)
- Someone tells you to lighten up for pointing out that something is racist.
- A male relative mansplains you. (Finish your drink if it’s about a subject you are highly educated in.)
- You check your phone and are subjected to a rant about those damn millennials and their devices.
- A relative puts the incorrect last name on your card (especially if you’re a married woman who didn’t change her name).
- Someone asks you why you’re still single.
- Someone asks when you’re going to get a “real” job.
- You hear the word “calorie.”
- A relative asks if you really need to eat that. (Actually, finish your drink, then get a second piece of pie.)
- Two words: drunk grandma.
- One drink for every person in an ugly Christmas sweater.
*Not you, mom and dad.