Ask UfYH: Easy Ways to Fake a Clean House

So maybe you haven’t been keeping up on your housekeeping routine as much as you’d like. Which is all well and good, but you just found out you’re having company in a few hours. There may not be time to do a top-to-bottom emergency unfucking, but you can fake a clean house with just a few easy steps. 

(Bonus: when you “fake” a clean house, your house does actually get a little cleaner. So no feeling guilty about it, because you’re still putting some work in.)

  • Clear off your flat surfaces. Kitchen counter, coffee table, any surface that guests will see should be cleared off and wiped down. Bonus points if you actually put the stuff that’s on them away, rather than just relocating the mess.
  • Clean the bathroom. It’s bright, and people have little else to focus on when they’re in there.
  • Vacuum. Not only does it probably need to be done, but fresh vacuum lines and the smell of a recently vacuumed room (it’s a thing) will subconsciously make your guests think “clean.”
  • Close some doors. Bedroom’s a mess? Close the door and suddenly it ceases to exist, at least until people leave.
  • Deal with your dishes. People tend to gravitate toward the kitchen, and it’s nice to have a clean glass or two when you offer a drink.
  • If you can, open the windows. Fresh air can make a huge difference.
  • Go sit where your guests will likely be sitting. Take a look around and see if anything catches your eye. Clean it up.
  • When you think you’re as prepared as you can be, put five more things away. Consider it a gift to Later You.

Also remember that if someone you invite over is judging your house more than they’re enjoying your company, you may want to reconsider hosting them. Suggest coffee at a neutral location if they’re stressing you out.

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[E] Rachel

I punctuate sentences with Oxford commas, and I punctuate disagreements with changesocks. Proud curmudgeon. Get off my lawn.

2 thoughts on “Ask UfYH: Easy Ways to Fake a Clean House”

  1. Fabulous suggestions as always. Bookmarking this in case of future panics. Along with flinging the windows open, I tend to light a candle in the kitchen (safely!), and put a few drops of essential oil (usually eucalyptus) in the bath, and it helps refresh the house, somehow.

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