I want to know what movies you absolutely loathed. What movies made you angry because you devoted time and/or money to watching them?
Here are my Top 2, disliked for differing reasons:
Mr. Wrong (1996)
So. Wrong. I do not know how high the reviewer from Variety was to give the blurb on the poster, but I’m thinking it must have been something like a Valium-hash cocktail. And even then, I’d suspect that the reviewer in question actually passed out and dreamed up a much funnier movie.
The premise is this: Ellen DeGeneres plays Martha, an apparent spinster according to her family, who meets the ridiculously named Whitman Crawford (Bill Pullman) at a bar. They hit it off, then she decides she doesn’t like him, and he proceeds to stalk her. Comedy gold, right? Blerg.
I saw this in the theater because I was 13, and that’s what you do when you’re bored and 13 — you see whatever is playing when your parents are willing to drive you there and drop you off. My friend and I sat there, definitely not laughing much, pissed that we’d spent $5.50. (Oh, the ancient time when that was a nighttime price. Still way too much.) It’s not funny, but maybe I could have been more forgiving had I not spent my limited teenage funds.
In my defense, the box at the video rental place made it look like dark comedy. A bull terrier who dreams of killing the neighborhood animals? Who goes on misadventures? In French? Sure, why not. It’s only 49 cents to rent, being a nearly decade-old film at the time.
And then the friend who watched it with me almost banned me from picking movies ever again. We were in the dark ages of the internet then, you guys. I didn’t know! I. Didn’t. Know.
Okay. So it turns out Baxter is a murderous bull terrier who kills the old lady he lives with and leaves to find his “real” master. One prospective master is a kid who loves Hitler and kills his neighbor’s puppies. It is a fucking bleak and disturbing movie. Just skimming the Wikipedia entry is enough to make me shudder all over again.
Two questions: Who is this person at The New York Times who declared it one of the best movies of the year? And who puts a cartoony thought bubble on the cover of a horror movie? WHO?
Okay, let’s hear your awful and/or traumatizing film-viewing experiences. Meanwhile, I’mma pour myself a drink.