The Shittiest Princess and the Shittiest Queen

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

Just sit right back, and you’ll read a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from ol’ Kingdomville aboard a tiny ship. With Princess Poot; and Agnes, too; Benicio; and their beer. But no one else.

The occasion was Poot’s vacation, and this year would be the best of all, for she’d taken her friend-wife Agnes with her. They’d decided to find Poot’s long-lost mother, banished from court lo these many years for having birthed the worst uterus turd since Glenn Beck. Poot figured if she could locate her mother, then her Evil Stepmother’s marriage to her father would be null, for bigamy had been illegal in Kingdomville ever since a woman took two husbands. A man having ten wives is just sensible; a woman doing it destroys family values and causes volcanoes to erupt.

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The Shittiest Princess and the Darkest Timeline

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

There were, once upon a time, two childhood girlfriends named Poot and Bucky. Poot was the shittiest princess, and Bucky was the shittiest daughter of a duke this side of Hazard County. Bucky was so named because her front teeth stuck straight out. Also, because she resembled a bronco.

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The Not the Shittiest Princess Anymore and the Magic Spell

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

If you look up “handsome” in the “Kingdomville Extremely Long Scroll Full of Word Meanings in Alphabetical (Mostly) Order,” you’ll see a drawing of King Handsome of Kingdomville. His jaw was so chiseled that they used it when the Nude Sculpture Minions went on strike.

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The Shittiest Princess and the I Want Song

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

In the good old days, when ladies weren’t allowed to vote because of their estrogen spells, there lived a super shitty princess named Poot. This is a flashback story, so it takes place in the good older days. Don’t worry, though — ladies were still way oppressed.

Every sixteen-year-old princess must complete a certain set of accomplishments. One, she must learn to eat sausages without reminding onlookers of cocks. Two, she must sing her “I Want” song at her Coming Out Ball. In Princess Poot’s case, the “coming out” part of the ball would be when she removed the paper bag she’d worn on her head since birth. You can imagine how Poot anticipated this glorious day: the end to her food tasting of bag residue, the beginning of peripheral vision.

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The Shittiest Princess and the Magic Mirror

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

In the simpler times before rocket travel, when everyone afeared the moon because it shot “horny” rays, there lived a king named Handsome. Handsome of Kingdomville was sad, you see, because while he possessed two beautiful daughters, he had a third who was the shittiest princess this side of ShitTown, the world’s leading supplier of roughage. He’d tried berating Princess Poot into being more attractive, and yelling at her to make her less clumsy, and punishing her until her boobs de-lopsided themselves, but to no avail. The problem, he cogitated, was that he wasn’t available to admonish all day and night. He needed help.

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The Shittiest Princess and the Manly Games

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

It came to pass in the country of Kingdomville that the king held an annual event for the betterment of boners and armpit sweat: The Manly Games. Besides crusades, wars, Minion-crushing, tournaments, Tuesdays, and gay pride parades, there were no opportunities for men to run about waving their implements at one another, so the Games were born.

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The Shittiest Princess and the You Betta Werk

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

In the boring-ass times before satellite television, there was a princess so shitty that Kingdomville held an annual Dunk Princess Poot Self-Esteem Festival. The louts, Minions, dirts, “ew”s, and generally filth-encrusted populace from all ’round would show up to hurl beanbags at Princess Poot, the shittiest princess, thereby knocking her into a cistern, so that they might look at their fish-smelling lives and think, Hey! Things ain’t so bad. At least I’m not Princess Poot, who looks worse than my gouty ninety-nine-year-old great aunt Petunia. Read More The Shittiest Princess and the You Betta Werk

The Shittiest Princess and the Official Princess Color

The Shittiest Princess is a series of funny fairy tales for those of us who ain’t exactly cartoon princesses. Stay tuned for a new adventure every week!  You can find the whole series here.

There once lived a princess so lovely and non-gassy, she outshone the heavens, and even the Vegas strip. This is not a story about that lady. Our tale involves shitty Princess Poot, who couldn’t outshine a pile of mulch, especially if it was one of those fancy mulches they sell behind the yogurt shop.

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