Hello, unicorns. This week’s News Bites have more entertainment stories than usual, but some weeks, maybe we need that. First though, let’s get into more serious matters:
It’s the end of America’s Next Top Model for another season. I know you’ve been waiting to see who won, Persephoneers. You can’t spell “anticipation” without the words “Titanic piano.” I am even now playing a swan song on my Yamaha keyboard as this ship o’ moddles sinks into the icy depths of the North Banks-lantic. Who will drown? Who will stay afloat thanks to the enormous amounts of liquor they’ve consumed?
There are only two more episodes left of America’s Next Top Model for Cycle 16! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the tension?! My cat just yawned. IT’S ON, PERSEPHONEERS! Who will make the final two? Molly? Hannah?? Brittani??? Should I ask more questions? WHY AM I ASKING YOU? YOU ARE NOT HERE!
By the pricking of my smize, something silly now arrives! It’s America’s Next Top Model, sponsored by Cover Girl. Cover Girl – the makeup company that enthusiastically uses ANTM winners according to its most basic contractual obligations (TM).
There are only FIVE models left! Five moddles moddling in Morocco on America’s Next Top Model! Get ready for a lot of screaming about camels. “OMG IT’S A CAMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” It was just like that. Hannah cracked the inevitable “camel toe” joke. I’m a classy bitch, so I would have stuck with a “hump” joke.
Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.10: “What I Did for Modeling: Camel-Straddling Edition.”
Ooh! Are you snmassing yourself with excitement? Grab a cleansing tissue, Persephoneers, for I’m going to recap the clip show that you probably got pissed off at last night and didn’t bother watching. I’ve never actually watched one of these “hey, let’s slap some unused footage together and call it ‘never-before-seen’ or some shit” episodes of America’s Next Top Model. But tonight, I’ve got my
drank courage on. Let’s see how many of the eliminated moddles’ names I’ve forgotten. My guess: all.
Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.9: “Stuff Too Boring to Make the Regular Show. Oh, and a Virgin Sacrifice.”
I don’t know about you kids, but after last week’s harrowing episode of America’s Next Top Model, I’m about ready to swear allegiance to the dark side of modeling, where instead of smizing (smiling with your eyes), you snmass (sneer malevolently with your ass). I’m snmassing as I type. Someone give me a car.
Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.8, “Moddle Go-See, Birdie Doo-Doo”
This week on America’s Next Top Model, your recapper felt ancient and thanked her lucky stars that she wasn’t twenty years old anymore. Well, maybe she wished her ass were still twenty years old. Just not the rest of her.
Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.7, “To a Shut-the-Fuck-Uppery, Go, and Quickly Too!”