Project Accessory: Won’t Somebody Think of the Moddles?!

As a glutton for punishment, I’ve checked out the first two episodes of Project Knockoff: Shoes & Crystals. Ahem. Project Accessory.  At first, I was excited. As a woman with ample boobs, ass and thighs, I’m never going to shimmy into a Mondo original, but even we fat ladies can wear jewelry and shoes.  Read More Project Accessory: Won’t Somebody Think of the Moddles?!

Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.9: “Stuff Too Boring to Make the Regular Show. Oh, and a Virgin Sacrifice.”

Ooh! Are you snmassing yourself with excitement? Grab a cleansing tissue, Persephoneers, for I’m going to recap the clip show that you probably got pissed off at last night and didn’t bother watching. I’ve never actually watched one of these “hey, let’s slap some unused footage together and call it ‘never-before-seen’ or some shit” episodes of America’s Next Top Model. But tonight, I’ve got my drank courage on. Let’s see how many of the eliminated moddles’ names I’ve forgotten. My guess: all.
Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.9: “Stuff Too Boring to Make the Regular Show. Oh, and a Virgin Sacrifice.”

Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.8, “Moddle Go-See, Birdie Doo-Doo”

I don’t know about you kids, but after last week’s harrowing episode of America’s Next Top Model, I’m about ready to swear allegiance to the dark side of modeling, where instead of smizing (smiling with your eyes), you snmass (sneer malevolently with your ass). I’m snmassing as I type. Someone give me a car.
Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.8, “Moddle Go-See, Birdie Doo-Doo”

Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.6, “You Can’t Spell ‘Courage’ Without ‘Model'”

Welcome, friends, to another exciting recap of ANTM, America’s Nastiest Toe Medications. I am your host, I. M. Masochist. Sit back and soak those feet like the specialist told you — we’re in for one toe jammin’ time!

Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.6, “You Can’t Spell ‘Courage’ Without ‘Model’”

Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.5, “Tyra Banks and the Deathly Moddles”

Hark! Do you hear the tinkling of the bells? It’s America’s Next Top Model time! Remember, every time a bell rings, a moddle gets her smize. Wait, maybe that was my microwave burrito buzzer. Whatever. I’ll smize at the burrito, no matter what happens with Ty Ty and friends. Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.5, “Tyra Banks and the Deathly Moddles”

Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.4, “Antiquated Gender Roles — Fierce!”

Are you ready, Persephone readers? It’s once again time to play “I can’t believe I watch this show. Me, an actual adult!” I have a cocktail, the overwhelming encouragement of my husband (“I don’t care what you do”), and I’m ready to recap America’s Next Top Model — a show so acute and complex, it requires group Internet study. Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.4, “Antiquated Gender Roles — Fierce!”

Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.3, “‘A Little John Galliano Never Hurt Anybody.’ Right? RIGHT?!”

Friends, it’s MAKEOVER WEEK on America’s Next Top Model! You know, the week every cycle when Tyra gives most of the girls really pretty new looks, but then dyes one model’s hair three shades of puke green, shaves off one of her eyebrows, replaces it with a winking tattoo of Linda Evangelista, and then declares the horrid aftermath “fierce.” Read More Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.3, “‘A Little John Galliano Never Hurt Anybody.’ Right? RIGHT?!”