My Downsized Uterus

This is a piece I wrote a few days before I had a hysterectomy to treat a prolapsed (meaning it burst through the cervix like an alien baby through a Nostromo crew member) fibroid tumor.   The surgery started at the exact same time as President Obama’s inauguration,  I made the joke during surgery prep that I was losing my bush in the last moments of the Bush administration. 

“It’s always something” -Gilda Radner

Dear Womb;

I regret to inform you that your services will no longer be needed within the company.  Your last day will be Tuesday next, at which point you will be escorted from the premises in a way that can only be described as unseemly. While it is always unfortunate to terminate a team member, your flagrant disregard for company policy has left us no choice.

Your team members continually complain of your monthly tantrums, the mess you leave, the havoc you wreak in every other department.  The numbers on lost productivity due to your shenanigans are staggering, Womb.

Additionally, you have repeatedly failed to produce the one thing your supervisors have requested of you.  Your only job in this organization was to produce Model 2.0, which you failed to do in spite of years of encouragement and motivation.

While these are certainly points of concern, neither are grounds for your termination.  Management has discovered what you’ve been working on instead of Model 2.0, we are very disappointed to say the least. Your project not only defies our mission statement, it has created a system-wide malfunction.  It must be removed, unfortunately you’re going to have to go with it.  You’ve been with the company since we opened the door thirty-seven years ago, Womb.  We can’t help but think this latest project of yours was meant to be a slap in the face, a final “screw you” to the team who worked so patiently alongside of you all of these years. As you can plainly understand, this behavior and your presence can no longer be justified or tolerated.

With fondest wishes,

By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

4 replies on “My Downsized Uterus”

Dear HK’s womb;

You musta been the sister alien to Hattie’s alien baby because I felt your metal chompers–all sets of them–gnashing away each month. Bella Swan didn’t know the meaning of pain. I put up with 26 years of agoniy, from the first onset of menses. My respites were the two pregnancies and one miscarriage. Nothing satisfied you–not OTC pain relievers, hot baths, heating pads, Percodan, not even double doses of Oxycontin, you b*tch. Good riddance to you. I don’t miss you, now that I’ve fulfilled my family obligations of producing the heir and spare.

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