Etsy Christmas Ornaments: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Originally, I was trolling Etsy for winter holiday decorations of all kinds, but after wading through thousands upon thousands of offerings (most of them very good, I must add), I realized that whenever I came across something that made me spontaneously giggle or retch or roll my eyes, it was a Christmas tree ornament. So without further ado, the best and the worst of what Etsy wants Christmas revelers to hang on their trees this year:


A Doctor Who Christmas Ornament! Yes, the fact that it’s paper glued to felt should probably give you pause, but it’s only $4 for two and your tree will never be able to achieve BBC nerd-dom ascendancy without it!
I think this awesome Grinchy Elf is my Christmas avatar, because she’s grumpy and loud (as evidenced by the open mouth) and she has a kick-ass outfit. Unfortunately, she’s also expensive ($125), and I don’t think I could justify purchasing her even by arguing that she doubles as a necklace pendant (truefax).
Sigh, I love this. It would be a super-posh replacement for my scratchy, fake velvet drugstore stocking. I thought it was an ornament at first, because it looks so delicate, but the seller says it’s 2′ x 2′. Oh, and it’s made out of “primitive fiber,” which made me snort and imagine a caveman darning this. Anyway, this is also pricey–$229. I can understand the price since I imagine creating something that detailed took an insane amount of time. Plus you have to gather the primitive fiber from the underbelly of a wooly mammoth, and we all know what a chore that can be!
Where to even start with these grotesque little guys… when I first scrolled past these, I gasped, fully convinced that someone had crafted a barbershop quartet of little gay angel ornaments (come on, look at the teal one!). But the seller’s description says she put these up for her mother, who lovingly hand-crafted them. So. Who knows? These might have some value as a gag gift for the well-adjusted gay man with a good sense of humor in your life, but they cost $125, and all the Christmas lulz in the world aren’t worth that.
I think I’ve built up a healthy dose of bad karma just by looking at these crafts and thinking insulting thoughts, so why not just put it all out there, eh? At least the seller had the good sense to price these at $1, unfortunately they’re pre-made and all say “2009” and she’s not taking special orders, so no, I won’t be able to send in a picture of my mom’s prized standard poodle and get a hot-mess-ornament that she hangs next to my crappy clothespin reindeer ornament on the back of the tree  for the next 20 years.
Ok, I’m actually rather fond of these (another eye-gouging price though: $114), and if they came in more Christmas-ey colors, like red, forest green, silver, and gold, I’d be all over these like white on rice. When I want to quash these urges I just tell myself: “You like Katy Perry music and butterflies and eating spoonfuls of honey. Do you really think you need to encourage your naturally tacky tendencies?”
I don’t think it’s problematic to portray Santa Claus as a person of color (though feel free to correct me if you disagree), but to slap an arbitrary “Happy Kwanzaa” on an ornament ($1)? What does Santa have to do with Kwanzaa? Also, the same shop sells penis-shaped soaps, saying “They contain none of the garbage that your typical soaps contain.” So now you know where to get your impotent penis soap.
It might look like these two friendly snakes are just palling around, but this Christmas ornament (and it’s listed as such! for $25!) is actually a fairly decent artist’s rendering of two California kingsnakes mating. Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and peace, which begs the question: why would you hang a pair of snakes having sex on your tree? Do you want Santa to put you on the naughty list??
Just look at those cute, little brains-in-a-bag ($5). It’s a testimony to the fact that Santa rewards all the good children of the world, even those who happen to be crazed, soul-less zombies. And, honestly, I admire the handiwork on those polymer clay brains–it must have taken an exception amount of squiggling to get them to look like that.
Yes, technically the Doctor Who ornament should have gone in this category, but I used my arbitrary powers of judgment to elevate it to THE GOOD. Anyway, these are awfully adorable, no? Little Han even has some lil’ chest hair and a lil’ side arm! I just noticed that the triangle portion on Leia’s belt is reminiscent of those “roadmap to my nether regions”-print dresses that keep popping up on red carpets and premieres for smart-phones. Still cute, though.
*Apparently these guys are sold out, but there’s a Batman, several Disney Princesses, Santa and Mrs. Claus, and lots of other cute-overload ornaments at the store.
If you hang this monstrosity (otherwise known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster) on your tree, you officially lose the right to make fun of other people’s religious practices, because this felted dude is far more offensive than angel or star. Just look at it’s loosey-goosey tentacles, draping down the tree…..ugh.
*Crud, this one sold out recently too, but you can still get little Flying Spaghetti Monster ornaments for your tree, which I would endorse because they’re small and won’t attract the eye so, uh, inevitably.

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