Op Ed

Ask STFU Jezzies

Your favorite snarky bitch is here to give you advice about your real-world dilemmas.  We have some actual real-world problems today, so I have to say that if you feel that you or someone you love is in imminent danger of hurting yourself or others, call 911.  Also, I try to give the best advice I can, but I’m just a blogger, so keep that in mind. (Anonymous advice is never a substitute for speaking to a professional if you need one.  ~ed.)

I feel tremendous guilt and anxiety over my privilege. I am depressed and contemplating suicide. How can I begin to get a fucking grip?

First of all I have to say that if you are really contemplating, or even have passing thoughts of suicide, that you should seek professional help.  The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255.

Secondly, you don’t say what kind(s) of privilege you have, but this should apply to most privileged statuses.  In general I think that excessive guilt turns the focus of the problem back on to YOURSELF, rather than focusing on the issue at large which is the systematic and institutionalized discrimination and oppression against groups of people.  So, just chew on that.  Is your privileged guilt doing anything to further the cause AGAINST racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, and everything else?  Probably not.  Consider finding ways to turn that energy into something more productive, including to continue to educate yourself about things like “White Guilt” which is not an uncommon phenomenon.

I’m a college-aged girl who has only been with one guy. However, I have a very high sex drive (seriously) and long to fuck multiple guys and girls. I hate my lack of experience, because my desire and curiosity is high.

My problem is that I believe I’m too ugly to find someone, even casually, to want to fuck me. I’ve never really had much (if any) affirmation in my life from family (they always tore into my looks) or friends. The one dude I’ve fucked says I’m hot but um..that’s because he occasionally gets laid by me (he’s long distance, sadly.)

I don’t know if you can help me, and I know attractiveness isn’t everything…but I need help or some advice on how I can overcome my ugliness (thinking I’m attractive is out of the question) combined with an unfortunate shyness/awkwardness?


I can almost guarantee you that attractiveness is not your issue in not being able to find sexual partners.  But when we don’t feel that we’re attractive, other people are less likely to see us as attractive.  I am going to work under the assumption that you have some physical characteristics that you find acceptable.  What does your fuck buddy say is hot? Is that something you can see at all in yourself?  Play those characteristics up in whatever way makes you feel the most confident.  You may not feel like you’re ready to be on ANTM, but anything that makes you feel less like you need to go out of the house with a bag over your head is a start.  And once you start feeling more confident it starts an upward spiral and you’ll find other things you like about yourself.

That said, it sounds like your shyness and awkwardness is probably more of your issue.  My advice to anyone who feels shy and awkward is to just date.  Just do it.  Go on terrible dates, you’ll learn something from each one. Go on the dating sites, on craigslist, have your friends set you up, try to learn how to flirt (you’ll get better at it, I promise.)  I am amazing at dating.  Not because I’m super-hot, but because I’ve been on a million dates. And about 990,000 of those dates were awful.  But you learn how to work it.  Sometimes it can be a blow to the ego, and that’s good too because it helps you learn to move past it.

And also, tell your friends and family to STFU.  Seriously.

My father’s an alcoholic — that’s no surprise to anyone. But lately my mom’s been drinking WAY more than normal. How do I deal with the possibility of two problem drinkers for parents instead of just one?

It sounds like your mom decided that if she can’t beat “˜em, to join “˜em.  Unless they aren’t together anymore.  Regardless ““ bright side? You are already an expert at dealing with an alcoholic parent.  Seriously though, you already have the skills you need and you’ve learned what you need to do to cope and protect yourself.  Not that it makes it suck any less, but take heart that you’re not completely at sea here.

You could check out meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics or Al-Anon, but meetings aren’t for everyone.  You can also consider your relationship with your mom.  Is it such that you could say “hey I’ve noticed it looks like you’re drinking more than you used to. Is everything ok?”  and she would be receptive to that? Or would it cause a fight you don’t want to have?  If it’s not something you want to confront head-on, consider what boundaries you plan to set with her if things continue to progress.  You may already have boundaries you’ve created with your dad: i.e. you won’t buy him alcohol, or lend him money, or spend time with him when he’s drunk.  If you don’t have boundaries with your dad, consider setting those as well.  This doesn’t have to be Intervention-style “If you do not stop drinking, our relationship will change in the following ways.”  But it can be something simpler that you tell yourself you will or will not do.  Good luck!

How do you prepare yourself for dealing with a narcissist father over Christmas? He’s just generally so into his own fantasy world that it’s hard not to feel like he doesn’t even see me. This isn’t an emergency issue, but when I come back from his house, I just generally feel completely emotionally drained and battered for days. How would you recommend coping with something like that when you can’t get around it?

A genuine narcissist can be one of the most draining types of people to deal with.  They aren’t someone you can usually confront, because they are skilled at turning the problem back to you.  You’ve probably given up on thinking you’re going to get your father to change, which is good, because he likely never will.

It sounds like you feel obligated to spend time with him over the Holidays, which I understand.  So the trick is in the self-care.  I wonder if you’re feeling so emotionally drained because you’re still trying to invest emotionally into the relationship.  If you can’t physically distance yourself from a narcissist, it’s best to distance yourself emotionally.  There are different ways you might be successful at this, but you can try tuning out. Sing a little song in your head. Make your shopping list.  He’s not really paying attention to whether or not you care anyway.  Is he the type of narcissist that also likes to belittle you?  Get Stuart Smalley on that shit.  Think of some affirmation phrases that make you feel calm that you can repeat to yourself while he’s running his mouth.

Meditate before you go over there and when you get home.  On itunes you can download guided meditations, I’m a big fan of The Meditation Podcast with Jesse and Jean Stern.  And finally ““ reward yourself when you get home! What makes you feel good? Do it! Is it a bubble bath, a manicure, a jog, a new book”¦you made it through the day, you deserve something good.  This will go a long way towards helping you recover from your Narcissist hangover.

Remember, you can submit your life quandaries to Ask STFU Jezzies.  Just be warned, if you’re being stupid, I’ll tell you.

2 replies on “Ask STFU Jezzies”

Person with the narcissist dad here – Thank you for this awesome, well-thought-out advice. I’m getting ready to leave town and deal with family for the next few days, so this is perfect timing and I’m grateful to start my day off with a new strategy for dealing with this. Thanks for taking my question!

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