I am truly excited to share with you the latest brainchildren of my obsession with Polyvore, also known around here as paper dolls for grownups (and obsessive time-wasters like me)! This week I picked five different holiday-ish occasions, ranging from a couple I think nearly everyone will have to endure (like a holiday party at the office) to a few that are a bit more specific (going to see The Nutcracker. Hell, I’m not even doing that). Enjoy, and feel free to lend opinions about the outfits in the comments (even if they’re quite negative; I and my slightly cluttered taste can take it)!
This one I like to call “A Tale of Two Earmuffs.” On the right we have the delightful, candy-cane striped Kate Spade number for $65. And on the left, we have Lanvin’s Fox Fur Headband, which also includes notoriously richy rich fabrics silk and velvet, for the low, low, sale price of $878.50! And that’s marked down from $1,255.00, folks. Are you kidding me? There’s a giant crystal brooch on the side and the thing looks like it was created by a mind-melding of the buyers at Forever21 and Ms. Hannigan’s Fur-for-Less. Moving on: if anyone wants to know what to get me for Christmas, I’ll take a pair of those Fair Isle gloves from Anthropologie or the Sally mug (so perfect for freaking out smug people in over-decorated houses). My address is 555 Hard Street (as opposed to Easy Street, get it? Ugh, why do I keep making Annie jokes?), Poorsville, USA.
Obligatory Office Party
I made up a rhyme to help us all dress ourselves when attending functions that require a bit more decorum: “Boobs on a platter, make the underlings chatter, boobs buttoned up, make them all shut up.” Actually, you can show just as much cleavage as you want and don’t let anyone tell you not to, but if, hypothetically, you work at an office where you would feel uncomfortable dressing too “party hardy,” this outfit’s for you (and you, and you, and you!). You have a simple, metallic jacket and wide-leg pants. Not gonna win any awards for that, but if you wash your hair with Philosophy’s Hot Buttered Rum shampoo, you’ll smell boozily divine. And if you like wearing sexy lingerie underneath staid clothes, I’ll do you one better: that’s a Santa belly button ring. Who’s the boss? You are!
Attending a Showing of The Nutcracker
This originally started out as “Going to Your Family Dinner as the Artistic Black Sheep” and I envisioned a theater major or a sculptress living in the Southwest going home to dine with her buttoned-up lawyer siblings and disapproving parents. When it was finished I realized that was way too specific. Thank goodness for the dreamy Rodarte skirt ($2,900) and ballet flats ($100), which inspired the Nutcracker idea. Though I guess by my logic (pull fashion inspiration from the play you’re attending!), women going to see Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? should dress like Mad Men‘s alcoholic, combative housewife Betty, and men going to see Equus should just go naked.
Going to a Religious Service for the First Time in Years
I imagine quite a few non-religious people find themselves attending services around the holidays, which can be anxiety-inducing all by itself, not to mention off-putting if one doesn’t have a good grasp of what the regular attendees wear. My advice is to stick with neutrals, avoid anything too eye-grabbing, and be modest. There’s nothing worse than showing up at a service and feeling like everyone’s glaring at you for being the heathen in the miniskirt. So wear long hemlines, nothing off-the-shoulder or low-cut in the back, fairly minimal jewelry (and I’m not really advocating that you wear that hilarious white collar, because that might come off as a little cheeky), nice shoes but nothing too spikey, cross your legs, sit up straight, sing when everyone else does–you’ll be fine!
Having to do Last-Minute Shopping on Christmas Eve
This outfit is less about fashion and more about function, because if you’re going to brave the hordes at the mall, you need to get serious. You got your plaid harem shorts for maximum comfortableness and wedgie-avoidance, your cat sweater to signal to any and all cat ladies that you are an ally, your steampunk magnifying goggles for reading the fine print on deals, your “More is More” bag so every mother in the building knows you mean business, your Doc Martens for kicking line-cutters in the shins, your Rubik’s Cube necklace to entertain yourself while waiting in the manager’s office after having kicked someone in the shins, your Santa drink cozies to keep your spirits high and give you plausible deniability when you claim you thought you were drinking IBC root beer, and your pointed Santa hat to pull over your face, rendering you anonymous when security escorts you off the premises.
Alrighty, that’s all folks! If any of you love Polyvore (I know you’re out there), you should make a holiday-occasion-themed outfit, paste/link to it in the replies, and I’ll add it to the list. Mazel Tov!