Naming Your Modern Baby

You’re about to have a child, you no doubt feel the great weight and responsibility of selecting a name for your little one. You know that even though she’ll outgrow her adorable Gymboree baby booties in about a minute, the name you saddle her with needs to fit for a lifetime. It’s alright, take a deep breath, I’ve got good news for you: THERE’S A FORMULA!

moon unit zappa
{Moon Unit Zappa}

That’s right, naming a modern baby is easier than ever. Just look to your favorite celebs, old high school buddies, and wayward relatives, everybody’s in on it! Phew. Who knew labeling a human being could be so easy? Follow these simple rules to baby naming and you and your modern baby are sure to be hip and unique, just like all the people you want to be exactly like!

THE “X” FACTOR. When naming your modern baby be sure to use lots of “x”s. “X” is a sassy letter! Never underestimate the importance of a sassy letter. You might be thinking, “but I didn’t even know that some letters are sassier than others,” come on, sure you did! Remember “z”? “Z” used to be so hot. “Z” was the sassy letter of the 90s. Would Zack Morris have been as hot had his name had been Mack Morris? Of course not! “M”’s not sassy! Boo. Your first rule of thumb MUST be “x”. And the great thing about “x”’s standing as the new sassy letter is that it can easily replace the old sassy letter, just insert “x” where a “z” might have been – Xander, Xara, Xena, SO cute!

WHY CHOOSE “E” WHEN YOU CAN CHOOSE “Y”? In addition to using lots of “x”s be sure to replace “e”s, “o”s and “i”s with “y” whenever possible. For example, Paxtyn (SUPER adorable for a boy or girl), Hyxton (ohmigosh thats CUTE) or Ashtyn (like Ashton Kutcher but just so much cuter!) are all perfectly acceptable names for your modern baby.

EEEEK! THAT’S ADORABLE! In the converse, forget boring old “ey”, “y”, or “ie” endings, make sure anything that could end in one of these now ends in “ee” or “eigh”. For example Kristee, Ashleigh, Hayleigh, Tiffnee.

START WITH A STAR. Have you considered naming your modern baby after a celebrity? Go with something distinctive, e.g. Charlize, Uma, JWow, Dweezil, Keanu, or Condoleeza.

BE A DRAMA MAMA. Better yet, name your modern baby after a fictitious character, maybe from a soap opera or teen drama ““ Sookie, Pacey, Stephano, van der Woodsen, and Uncle Jesse are all solid picks.

WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? NEVER BEEN TO NEW YORK, BUT ALWAYS WANTED TO GO? Don’t forget the old standby of naming your modern baby after a borough – Brooklyn and Bronx, both very HOT right now; Queens to a lesser extent.

FEELINGS, NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS”¦ Maybe you can choose a name that captures a mood or ideal? Serenity? Destiny? Anxiety? All good choices.

FRUIT OF YOUR WOMB. Obviously naming your modern baby after fruit is always an option. I think there are a few too many Apples out there right now, but how about Banana? Banana Edward is a noble name if ever I heard one. How about Banana Bella? Works for a boy OR girl.

WHY NAME YOUR BABY WHEN YOU CAN BRAND HER? Is there a brand name you like? Name away! Burberry (ah, but wait, jazz it up, apply the previously stated rules – how about Byrburree? Yes. That’s much cuter!), Diesel (Diesyl is better yet), Fendi (ooh, Fendeigh!) if you have twins – Dolce and Gabbana, Dooney and Burke, Smith and Wesson – all awesome choices! Which brings us to the rules of naming twins….

TWINSIES! More and more twins are born each year. The most important thing to remember about naming twins: make sure the names are matchy. Twins should never be treated as individuals – if you can rhyme the names ““ Jaden and Braden, Megan and Regan – nicely done; starting them with the same letter is great too – Shane and Shelby, Piper and Peyton. Remember, don’t be afraid to jazz up any of these names ““ Jaydyn and Braydyn, Meaghann and Reaghann, Shaiyn and Shelbee, Pyper and Peightyn – brilliant!

WILD WEST-SIDE, GIDDY ON UP! Are you rustic? Do you just want people to think you are? Go buck wild west! Pick a real rough and ready type town or state – Denver, Dakota, Wyoming, Jackson Hole, your modern baby will be so rugged!

BUCK CONVENTION AND OPT FOR FAD. Above all, whatever name you choose for your modern baby, don’t be bound by silly or antiquated conventions like phonetics. Also make sure you completely neglect family history, tradition, and meaning when naming your modern baby, nobody gives two shits about that stuff! Gone are the days of naming your little one after her grandmother. Sure, grandma was nice and she made good chicken, but was her name cute? Nope. Always keep in mind what’s important to you – that your modern baby have a cutey-utey name.

Good luck parents!

6 replies on “Naming Your Modern Baby”

I’m about a million years late here, but I re-read this when I was going through the archives and I had to tell you this one: in military families, it’s not terribly uncommon to name your children after where they were born. That’s kind of cute if you name your daughter Georgia, but I knew sisters named Germany, Korea and England. Why???

I knew very identical twins, so identical you couldn’t use their hair styles to separate them because they cut their hair the same way at the same time. At dances they even danced in synch. They were named Melton and Nelton. Why do parents do that?

Ah Uma Thurman. She has a rhyming middle name too, Karuna. But it’s her dad’s doing, the first ordained Tibetan Buddhist monk from America. Uma is a consort of Vishnu.

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