Pigeons. OK, they’re not technically people, but they do technically bug me. Like cats, pigeons are not very good at predicting which direction you’re going to walk. But unlike cats, pigeons are not furry or cute.
Greeting card company executives. Greeting cards are overpriced when you consider how unintentionally creepy the content usually is. Or maybe the cards are intentionally creepy, in which case the execs are still on my shit list. I don’t need cards to help me be creepy, I can do that all on my own.
People who say things like, “whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re probably right.” Consider the major laws of physics. Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re probably still bound by gravity. And this “go for it, no matter what!” mentality is precisely the rationale that lands tone deaf teenagers who don’t take rejection well in an American Idol audition.
Al Stewart fans. “The Year of the Cat” is the worst song of all time.
Celebrities that none of the Saturday Night Live cast members want to hug. I always watch SNL’s end credits to see the hosts and musical guests interact with the cast. When the cast members all rush to hug the guests I consider it a good indicator that those guests are nice people. When the cast members mostly just hug each other, I assume the avoided guests suck. The only person to hug Jason Mraz, for example, was a member of his own band. D-bag.
People who tell you they’re smart or try to insert their IQ into conversation. It’s so desperate, and rarely credible. And frankly, there’s never a socially appropriate way to slip MENSA eligibility into a conversation, I’ve tried (did you catch that?).
The lactose intolerant. I know they can’t help it, but cheese is one of my passions, how can I relate to people who can’t eat it?
Hard workers. They make me feel so bad about being lazy. I hate that.
Banjo players. Just because they can play an awesome instrument like the banjo doesn’t make them better than me. Except at banjo, they’d be better than me at banjo, but that’s no reason to be smug.