“˜Tis the season when a young woman’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of doing it. Well, I suppose that’s really any season, but the Yuletide also brings the opportunity to receive some presents off your sexy wish-list. We’ve scoured the pages of three popular underwear catalogs to bring you the best in sexy sex-wear. Our contestants:
The juggernaut of the smalls world”¦ Victoria’s Secret!
Seamy-sounding purveyor of seamed stockings”¦ Frederick’s of Hollywood!
Top-of-the-line specialist for your top-drawer drawers”¦ Trashy Lingerie!
Uplift Awards
Victoria’s Secret Miraculous Push-up Bra
The miracle is boobs.
Frederick’s Hollywood Exxtreme Cleavageâ„¢ Full-Figure Bra
Shouldn’t there be another “x” in there?
Trashy Lingerie Lolita Scarlet Halter Underwire Bra
The name’s a little sketch (and oxymoronic, no?), but it gets the job done.
Winner: Trashy Lingerie – grading on a curve.
Most Revealing
Victoria’s Secret Flyaway Apron Babydoll
You should see the oven mitts that come with this.
Frederick’s Cage-back Crotchless Panty
As Gertrude Stein once said of Oakland, CA ““ there’s no there there.
Trashy Lingerie Masochist Harness with Cuffs
Depending on how you look at it, this is also our most modest entry.
Winner: Frederick’s – the empire founded on crotchless panties knows when less is more.
Sexy on a Shoestring
Victoria’s Secret The Lacie Ruffle Halter Teddy, $25
What – what is this?
Frederick’s Dragon Applique Teddy, $34.99
Enter the dragon!!!
Trashy Lingerie Cut-Out Dress with Rhinestones, $20
Dress and underwear in one – the value choice.
Winner: Frederick’s – for suggesting how to do sexy international espionage on a budget.
Christmas Special
Victoria’s Secret Sexy Little Santa
This is the only truly Christmas-themed item VS sells ““ the rest of the Holiday Collection is just their regular bras in red. Demerit.
Frederick’s Sexy Santa Skong
Holy smokes, it’s a “skong”.
Trashy Lingerie Punky Santa Hoodie Top & Hostess Pants
Mrs Santa’s sauna suit.
Winner: Trashy – for their unbelievably extensive Elf, Santa, and Holiday Sparkle options.
And the Winner Is…
It’s been an amazing journey. We laughed, we cried, we learned the word “skong”. But the time has come to choose our overall winner.
Loser: Victoria’s Secret made a disappointing showing ““ mass-produced, unimaginative and pricy. Must try to be sexier.
First Runner-Up: Trashy Lingerie has fantastic, beautiful, original intimate garments, but sadly their gorgeous wares remain slightly out of our price range. Their Bollywood Queen and Corazon collections are works of art.
Grand Champion of Sexiness: Frederick’s of Hollywood ““ from cheap-and-cheerful to all-out glamorous, Frederick’s sells something for everyone. They carry sexy plus sizes as well as sexy regular sizes, so we can all be as sexy as possible. Now that’s sexy.
Sexy Christmas Everybody!
Frederick’s wraps it up in a bow