Looking for ways to rake in the pageviews, stir up shitstorms, and generally attract a buttload of viewers to your blog? It’s actually quite simple. Abandon all integrity, ye who enter here: I’m about to lead you down a primrose path of debauched, salacious, Faustian buggery, complete with examples of the stories that will simultaneously sell your soul and buy you a mansion way up in the West Hills.
One word, ladybloggers: breastfeeding. It’s like Oprah’s decision to cancel her show + the Monica Lewinsky scandal + Buffy’s Season 6 haircut: everyone has an opinion. Be sure to include pictures of naked breasts and children over the age of 3 suckling.
Women love contradictions, hell, they are contradictions, so they’ll eat it up if you publish antithetical articles mere days apart. Examples:
-Sexual Liberation Is The New Awesome + Are You There God? It’s Me, Restored Virgin
-Alcohol Doesn’t Rape People, Men Rape People + 2009 Called: It Wants Its Black-and-White Concept of Consent Back
–Inclusivity in Third-Wave Feminism + Why Are Black Women Such Harpies?
If you don’t have access to the obvious (peen + camera phone + burly rich dude with a major contract), you may need to improvise. Namely, improvise scenarios that justify posting pics of girls in their skivvies. This isn’t as hard as it sounds. Let me break it down for you:
-If you’re writing about the big Auburn v. Alabama game, post a side-by-side shot of the two hottest cheerleaders from the opposing squads. Set up a poll and let your readers pick which one has the tauter fanny.
-If you’re writing about Nascar, duh: Danica Patrick. Her Maxim pics may not exactly be public domain, but surely you can weasel around the fair use clause.
-If you’re writing about anything happening in Cleveland, get some screenshots up of Halle Berry in one of Monsterball’s more compromising scenes. Why, you ask? Berry’s one of, like, two hot people to come out of Cleveland ever.
Know one celebrity who’s the polar opposite of another celebrity? Make up an imaginary feud and fuel it for as long as possible. Imagine you are Simon Wiesenthal but instead of being dedicated to hunting Nazis for decades-old crimes you are dedicated to hunting imaginary smirks and out-of-context remarks from 6 weeks ago (approximately the expiration date on celeb goss).
The key here is to pick celebs who never actually interact with one another, that way, a la Clark Kent and Superman, no one can 100% prove or disprove that they hate one another with the fire of a thousand suns.
Good celebrities to pit against each other:
-Michelle Obama vs. Andy Samberg
-Anna Wintour vs. Willow Smith
-Tom Hanks vs. Daisy from Rock of Love 2.
-Bono vs. Knut the Polar Bear
First off, no one cares about the secret ingredient in your grandma’s oatmeal raisin cookie recipe, so stop grinding that organ already. If you want to make it as a food writer, you face one of two choices: either blog smugly about heirloom tomatoes and this French cheese that’s fermented in the stomachs of spotted, diabetic goats, or ironically rate fast food sandwiches. There is no middle ground.
There’s a certain vocabulary you must adapt regardless of which genre you choose. Here are examples of key words and phrases and how to apply them:
-“Everyone knows the hexagonal pizza crust embodies the Italian rustic charm; if your crust comes out round or elliptical, kill yourself.” OR “While I found the rustic sesame seeds on my Big Mac divine, they were fairly drowned in ‘special sauce.'”
-“When I realized the gritty foie gras couldn’t possibly be locally sourced, I immediately sent it back to the chef.” OR “After I asked the Arby’s lady if their roast beef comes from locally sourced cows, I think I saw her spit in my half Diet-Sprite/half root beer fountain drink.”
-“Besides the delicate flourish of the wrist when pureeing, the key to preparing a proper Red Pea Bisque with Rum FlambÃ© is to cull the peas oneself from an orchard in Peru.” OR “I greatly admire the workmanship displayed by Burger King Corp., which requires its peons to flambÃ© each burger that comes out of their kitchen.”