The Frisky Feminist

A New Year of Sex

Even though we understand why New Year’s resolutions are not beneficial to or beloved by everyone, both of us really enjoy them. Resolutions can offer an opportunity to revamp parts of your life you feel need some change, or they can simply help you be more mindful of certain things. And one aspect of life you may want to change, improve, or reflect on is your sex life.This is not to say that you should feel like you need to change anything – we don’t recommend trying Cosmo’s most contorted positions or buying an intimidating sex toy for no reason or because you think that’s what you ought to do. But if you look at the new year as a time for evaluating parts of your life, this may be a good time to consider, if you’re having sex, if you’re having the sex you want. And if you’re not having sex with a partner, are you having quality solo sex? (And if you have any more specific questions relating to these issues – or anything else – scroll to the bottom of the post for info on how to contact us with questions.)

I (paperispatient) don’t like to set too specific goals for myself, for any area of my life, because then I feel crappy if I fail; I prefer to make more general resolutions, but I also like to think about how I’m going to try to accomplish them. If you have a partner and your sex resolutions relate to them, have a conversation about your resolutions – what you want, why, and how the two of you will try to make it happen. Instead of resolving to have sex every night, a more achievable resolution might be to have sex more often; you can discuss why you want it (okay, that may be fairly obvious) and how you might make it happen (like keeping your afternoons on the weekend free so you can have leisurely afternoon sex instead of always trying to do it after work when you’re both tired).

Or you might want to have better sex, or you might just want to mix up your routine a little. Tactful honesty is key here. You and your partner could be incredibly close but you cannot read one another’s minds; share some things you like and some things you want to try, and ask your partner what has been working for them and if there are any new moves, toys, or tricks they’ve been thinking about. You could even resolve to have less sex – if you’re not enjoying yourself, if your partner is not terribly attentive or sensitive to your needs and desires, or if you’re only having sex because you feel like you should or because it’s what your partner expects, having less sex for a while might be beneficial. On a personal note, one of my (paperispatient) resolutions is to get down with myself more; the way I see it, my first sexual experiences were with myself, and although I find sex with my partner very satisfying, I don’t want to lose or forget about that aspect of my sexual self, something that I think can be easy to do when you have a steady live-in partner.

If you don’t have a partner right now, or have never had one, you’re likely still interested in having some fun! (And if you’re not interested in masturbation, that is completely valid as well.) Many of the tips that we hear for couples about how to spice things up can apply to solo sex as well – setting the mood, trying different positions and kinds of stimulation, teasing yourself, incorporating porn or erotica, a self-imposed hands-off stretch of time, and experimenting with sex toys and lube. There’s nothing like a good Anais Nin erotic story or a brand spanking (heh) new vibrator or butt plug to make masturbation even more exciting.

Some other sex-related New Year’s resolutions we’ve heard our friends mention include no longer faking orgasms, having a threesome, and never skipping using a condom. So now we turn to you, readers. Did you make any sex-related resolutions? Share them with us in the comments!


Got a ques­tion or subject you’d like us to dis­cuss? You can e-mail us at, and we’ve also set up a Tum­blr for the sole pur­pose of receiv­ing com­pletely anony­mous ques­tions here. Remember, we’re not official experts, just a couple that really enjoys reading about, talking about, and having all kinds of sex.

By paperispatient

I recently earned my MA in women’s studies. I enjoy reading, working out, playing Scrabble, watching cheesy movies, and cooking yummy vegetarian meals with my partner and Frisky Feminist co-author, Future Mr. paperispatient.

Leave a Reply