Ask STFU Jezzies – 1/13

Dear STFUJezzies: This is feedback to your virgin question. A couple of months ago I was dating and de-virginized an “accidental” virgin (he was 31, I am close in age). The sex was not great, but it’s not always great the first time, so I thought, well, we can try this again. He told me about a month later that he was a virgin and I was pretty unhappy about it. It was his choice, his way, but if I’d been given the choice, I didn’t want to “take” someone’s virginity like that. I thought it was drunken sloppy spontaneous sex, like adults have sometimes, but for him it was his first time. Obviously, this is my hang up, but I say if you decide to not tell, think hard before you tell after. Anyway, my point is I would have liked to have a conversation about it and if I would have decided to proceed I would have done it differently.

Thanks for the feedback, I always appreciate a different perspective.  Of course, virgin or no you should always be taking your partner’s feelings into consideration.   If you don’t want to disclose that you are a virgin, but want to see how your partner feels about de-virginizing someone, ask in a hypothetical way.  If your potential partner feels as this reader does – that they would want to approach it in a different way, either sexually or emotionally, then you should consider disclosing your own status.  But ultimately I still feel that the right to disclose or not disclose virginity is up to the virgin.  I would like to see society moving away from placing such heavy significance on virginity so that people who take someone’s virginity don’t end up all “OMG I devirginized someone! I’m such a perv!!” or whatever their concerns may be.  And I suggest to everyone that if sex isn’t going the way you want, give your partner some guidance for Pete’s sake!

I really dislike my husband’s family, particularly his parents. Our values are very different (for example, they are extremely materialistic) and their personalities bug me so much that I dread it whenever I have to spend time with them. My husband acknowledges that they bother him too and that they’ve changed quite a bit – for the worse – as they’ve gotten older, but he doesn’t confront them because he knows that it will result in major drama rather than constructive communication. I accept this logically, but I can’t help resenting him a bit. How do I manage my stress and annoyance about this situation and keep it from ruining my relationship? In a perfect world, I would opt out of his family, so to speak, but I know that’s impossible.

If I were Johnny Carson doing that psychic routine he used to do my psychic response would be “OMG! This family is better than MY family! We have so much to talk about! I never feel criticized or left out at all!” and the question on the card would read “Things you rarely hear someone say about their in-laws.”  I think it is a rare in-law relationship where one doesn’t struggle at least a little.  It’s a while new family! And there is a generational difference.  And you’re not used to their quirks like you are with your own family.  If you can’t opt out completely, can you put a limit on time together?  You know your own annoyance threshold, and it may  be 2 hours or you may manage to last 2 days., but whatever it is see if you can’t work out a way to limit your time.  If they live somewhere that requires you to visit for several days, think of some ways to get out of the house just to take a breather.  At this point in their lives, your in-laws are unlikely to change.  That means the change is up to you.  This can be a shift in attitude: You can make a game out of it – make your own little bet about how long your MIL drops a brand name or something like that, or imagine you’re living in a sitcom and learn to laugh at the situation.  Or it can be a shift in behavior by working on trying to find something in common you can discuss with your in-laws that doesn’t annoy you.  I can understand your frustration with your husband.  You can still be honest with him about your frustrations, but try to find a friend that you can do most of your venting to.  Good luck!

Do I say anything to friends who I feel don’t really ask about me, or are not “supportive” (for lack of a better word.) The problem is that I have a tendency to cut people off, always believing there’s a good reason and that none of them were good friends. I always get tempted to do this. I only have two real friends left (meaning ones I actually see and hang out with) but 1: it’s me, and I need to deal with it, and make more friends or 2: I seem to attract friends who are self-absorbed and don’t care about me or listen to anything I have to say (unless it’s to offer advice to others.) I just feel like I’m always listening to other people, and no one listens to me. A couple of friends in the past would gloss over or blatantly ignore things I was dealing with, which is/was really hurtful..I don’t know what to do because I really have no one, but also don’t want to hang onto people just for the sake of it.

I’m a little biased here, and I’m open to any dissenting opinions in messages or comments.  But my personal opinion is that life is too short to waste on people who you don’t feel are good friends to you. As a general rule I support cutting people off.  It’s better to have a couple close friends who you trust, then many frenemies.  That said, I have met many people in my years who, for whatever reason, give off a doormat vibe.  These people are usually super nice, always willing to help out.  They’ll go out of their way to pick you up at the airport, spend hours fixing your computer for free, whatever.  They are always really ready to give out compliments and lend a listening ear.  Sometimes their need to be liked radiates off of them, and you can tell that they will do anything just to have a friend.  If you recognize yourself in that description, then those might be qualities you have that attract the type of person who wants to use you.  In that case, examine what some of those behaviors are that you can change.  It’s great to be nice! The world needs more nice people.  But nice people also benefit from saying no sometimes and putting their needs first, even if it means that some people might not like them as much.

So in short, my opinion is that no, it’s probably not worth it to try to tell (most) of your friends that you think they aren’t supportive.  You can use your judgment to decide if you think that it’s worth it to try with someone, like if they seem open-minded or you enjoy spending time with them so much that you’d really miss it.  But, treat your real friends well and you’ll eventually accumulate more people that you think make good friends!

I’ve known this guy for a while and we have sex infrequently because it’s long distance, but around a few times a year.
My problem is that I seem incapable of thinking only of him. During sex, even though it’s going pretty well, I’ll indulge in my fantasies (i.e. people watching us) or of naked women.
And yet, I do think of him sexually everyday–either things that have happened or haven’t. But when it comes to masturbation and, when possible, sex with him, I can’t seem to stay in the moment or think just of him. On the one hand, I feel like I’m not attracted to him, but on the other, I do think of him a ton and miss him a lot, including the sex. I feel bad for having to lie when he asks “what are you thinking about” when we’re dirty texting/skyping/phoning cause it’s rarely involving him (but sometimes is.) What is going on?!?

From what I understand about general human sexual interactions, that’s really common.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not interested in having sex with the guy, you might just be the type of person who needs to think about other fantasies when you’re having sex, and that’s ok!  You don’t say whether this has happened with other people.  If this guy is the only one, then yeah maybe you’re not as sexually compatible with him as you could be.  So at that point it’s up to you to decide if you want to keep the sex going.  Either way, I’m wondering if talking about your fantasies during sex would be helpful for you.  It keeps him engaged, it keeps you engaged, and maybe at some point you could even bring those fantasies to real-life (a threesome, or sex club for instance). 

Thanks for the questions, everyone!  Remember to check back next week at the same time and submit your quandaries to Ask STFU Jezzies!

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