Pop Culture

OWN’d Blogging the New Oprah Empire

I love Oprah shamelessly.   I don’t often get a chance to watch her show currently, but when I taught my nightly grading/planning/organizing ritual in my classroom always involved Oprah on the classroom TV.   My love is not as extensive as to be worrisome, but I consider myself a fan.  Some of Oprah’s ‘friends’ bug the crap out of me, but I’d defend Ms. Winfrey in a bar fight.

When I heard Ms. Oprah Winfrey was getting her very own network, I was giddy.  How could it not be programming gold?  It does not disappoint, readers.  Nobody can capture stupid white people tricks like Oprah’s team, and OWN is on 24/7.

I’m hoping this will be an ongoing series, but I’m not sure anything will be able to top the show we’re recapping today.

In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman: “Sex and the Laundry Basket.”

Becky and Steve are in their early 30’s, and they haven’t had sex in five months.  Becky and Steve have some issues.  Steve is under-employed, so Becky isn’t attracted to him any more.  Becky claims Steve is a crappy lover, so she uses the corner of a flipped over laundry basket to masturbate.  Since Becky blames Steve for her lack of pleasure, she wants to stray and find someone who can make her come.

Voice over, Dr. Laura Berman: In fifteen years of marriage, it seems Steve has never been able to satisfy his wife sexually.

Holy crap, Dr. Laura Berman, that’s pretty harsh.   I think I might be Team Steve.

Dr. Laura (not to be confused with horrible, racist Dr. Laura) starts by touring Becky and Steve’s very suburban home.  It’s big and neutrally decorated, excepting the giant cheetah wall hanging.  Becky leads Dr. Laura, Steve and the camera crew to the laundry room where we meet the actual basket she uses to get off.

As I was discussing this with Meghan, we both came (quickly) to the conclusion that there has to be be a better way.  In that big old house, there has to be a better sex aid alternative than the place the family tosses their dirty socks and underwear.

Becky thinks Steve is too big, and she says when he goes down on her, his tongue tickles because he’s no good at oral.  (Jesus, Steve can’t win.) Becky claims she doesn’t have enough experience to tell Steve what she likes, but she seems very comfortable telling him what she doesn’t like.   Becky is off-putting.  Dr. Laura is way more sympathetic than I am, but Becky seems mean, and kind of scary to me.    Suddenly, things become clearer when Becky is talking about oral and says “ew, why would you want to put your face down there?”  She switches back to blaming Steve’s shoddy cunilinguistics quickly, however.  Becky says she wants Steve to challenge her and to take control during sex, but Steve counters that when he does Becky becomes aggressive and defensive, and then she attacks him by insulting his technique during sex.

Dr. Laura sits down with Steve to talk about his self-esteem and confidence.  Steve, obviously, doesn’t have a lot of either.  Becky insults him during all sexual activity.  Steve says they’ve tried toys and positioning pillows, and he’s written her erotic stories.   He says Becky is usually really into new stuff the first time they try it, but then loses interest.   Becky doesn’t like the way Steve smells, so she’s also uninterested in any sexual activity unless he’s freshly showered.

Let’s recap what we know so far, keeping in mind we’re only 16 minutes in.

Becky isn’t attracted to Steve because:

  • He’s not the breadwinner
  • She doesn’t like how he gives oral
  • She doesn’t like how his sexual technique
  • She blames him for not knowing how to make her orgasm
  • She doesn’t like the way he smells

Dr. Laura sits down with Becky, and all sorts of doors open up for armchair psychologists playing at home.  Becky says her mother was extremely critical of her, and that Becky was overweight for a short time.  Becky says “for a time I was thunder thighs” and you can see visible disgust on her face.  Becky developed an eating disorder, and she says after she became thin she started to be noticed by boys, and her attractiveness to boys/men became her sole source of self-worth.  Well crap, now I feel bad for being so harsh on Becky earlier.

Becky reluctantly agrees to try to work on becoming closer to Steve, and Dr. Laura gives them some exercises to do together to learn more about what the other likes.  They’re to practice kissing and Steve is going to give Becky oral and she’s not going to criticize him.   Afterwards (we do not see the sexytimes), they both talk into the camera.  Things went okay, but they both still look worried.

Becky and Steve are on their way to Chicago to see Dr. Laura in her office, and they have a confession cam in the car.  They talk about their feelings.   With Dr. Laura, they talk about their homework.  Becky wasn’t really turned on by Steve’s kissing, but he felt like he learned more about how she liked to be kissed.  Becky discovered that she doesn’t like having her legs open for oral because it makes her feel vulnerable.  Later, Becky was able to orgasm when Steve laid on top of her and rubbed his pubic bone on her pubic bone while he entered her.  They all laugh when Dr. Laura calls Steve Becky’s new laundry hamper.  (Meanwhile I’m a little dizzy, and still kind of glad I’m not friends with Becky and Steve.)

Becky and Steve are going on a field trip, where Becky is going to relinquish control to Steve.  They’re going to a boutique to play Pretty Woman! Steve is going to chose exactly what Becky is going to wear on a dancing date later, and Becky can’t say anything about it.   Steve looks like he’s about to shit himself.   He chooses some dresses, Becky hates them all.  I think he does pretty well, the dresses he chooses look fantastic on her.  The one he picks is long, black and slinky. She looks great in it.    Dr. Laura and Steve have a moment, and it’s pretty obvious how much he loves Becky.

Becky and Steve are going to dinner and Latin dancing, where Steve will have to lead.   Suddenly, I’m feeling a bit for Becky because her dress is floor length and tight around the knees.  They do okay, though.

At dinner, Steve snatched the menu away and ordered for Becky.  (Is this progress?)  Becky is pleased, and later she tells her confession cam that she hopes he steps up and takes control more often.

Since Becky experiences pain during intercourse, Dr. Laura sends her to a gynecological physical therapist, which I dare all of you to say three times fast.  The gynecological physical therapist and Steve get all up in Becky’s labia and I need to put my head between my knees for a second.    I enjoy porn, especially lady-friendly porn.  I read the crap out of erotica.  This show is too much.   There’s something amiss in the ladybits which is made obvious for Steve when the gynecological physical therapist spreads Becky’s labia, which we see from Becky’s POV on the stirrup table.  Apparently an episiotomy scar is to blame for the painful intercourse, so the GPT shows Steve from what angle to enter Becky with her finger.   I do it for you, readers.

The medical diagnosis allows Becky and Steve to quit blaming Steve for their lackluster sex life.   They had wild missionary sex in Chicago.

Becky and Steve have kicked the laundry basket out of the bedroom and are in the process of living happily ever after.   I’m never going to be able to get the picture of them sexing it up WASP style out of my head.  Oh wait, there’s a scene of Steve running over the laundry basket with his car.  Okay.  Now it’s over for real.

I need an aspirin.

By [E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

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